Hi Sea,
I hear what you're saying. I've have had times when I've been so angry and bitter at, not only the way a lot of what happens is invisible so no-one gets it, but that I'm the one in pieces, on anti-depressants, in therapy and so on, whilst my mum is enjoying lazy lunches and busy organising her next social gathering.
But do you know what? I think the best way to get even is to go to counselling and tear your hair out and cry rivers of tears - get all that unexpressed emotion that holds you back out of your system, re-train your brain to think logically, emotionally and honestly instead of being pumped full of the N "you're no good, you can't cope, you're ugly, everyone hates you" stuff, dump all the baggage so that in twenty years time your kids aren't posting on a message board about having an N for a mother.
Some of what my mum has done still upsets me a bit from time to time (I've been NC for nearly three and a half years now) but she is no longer any kind of driving influence in my life. Sometimes a thought pops up that's hers and not mine, but I recognise it as such now and can consider it and discard or reject it as I see fit. I have a much better idea of who I am and what I like and I am parenting my boy a million times better than she ever did me.
I have often felt envious of my mum for having a much easier life than I do (largely because she hasn't got someone like her going out of their way to make life difficult) but just recently I've started looking toward the future. My son's disabled so he requires a lot of care but he's getting better all the time, so I reckon I could probably go back to work part time in the next couple of years. That gives me hope for the future; we'll have more money, I can make new friends, I might even meet a nice man. I have a lovely boy, a sister I'm very close to, a handful of amazingly strong women who are my friends and, most importantly, a mental state that is greatly improved and much more balanced and self aware now. My mum is almost seventy. Out of six kids, one speaks to her. Out of eight grandchildren, she sees two. She's married to a man who is grumpy, opinionated, selfish, a bit on the dim side and very boring. The only people she still sees socially are the ones who drink as much as she does and I reckon, best case scenario, she's got ten years of drinking ahead of her before she dies, probably alone and probably in pain. She doesn't enjoy anything about her life, which is why she drinks. She moans constantly, she criticises everyone, very few people like her and she is completely emotionally unavailable. I can look at my little boy and feel my heart sing. I don't think she's ever been able to do that.
I think wanting some sort of revenge is a very normal, healthy part of getting better - I think it shows you're at a stage where you recognise someone has done wrong to you and you want it put right (at least that was how I felt at the time). But I reckon the path you're on - healing, self-improvement, learning how to love and accept yourself (and how to spot people you need to keep away from!) is a brilliant way of getting your own back - although of course, if you do get the chance to sue, it would be silly not to!! ;0
Hugs to you,
Twoapenny
