I'm sitting here this evening as I often do -- remembering and thinking and wishing I could cry a bucket, just for the release. Memories are a new thing for me, hard won in therapy and AA -- and most of them are painful -- they are like dreams that start out ok...
And individually, none were "that bad" if you place it next to the hell of those here -- but as a pattern of abuse that spanned decades, it certainly had a profound impact on me and that is after all, all that matters.
But after nearly a decade of seeking what my problems were and working on some and coping with others -- I'm very grateful to be here at last with all of you. My psychologist tentatively told me in 2001 or 2 that I probably would not be able to overcome my emotional problems without a "break" from them. He did not diagnose my parents by proxy and I've not seen him since I diagosed them. But during this time, which also correponded with my complete sobriety, I've been seeking -- I'm looking for the joy and fulfillment that all of us are entitled to.
I can finally be sure of my clearcut stand on contact because NMom passed away in Feb -- it was shocking to say the least because I was sure she would put me in my grave, but I hadn't seen her for her 8 months at the time. Which was my 2nd serious attempt at no contact and honestly, going quite well. Part of me feels like when she no longer had me to torture, she rolled over and died -- that and she had various subtle "encouragements" from my NGCBro and sappy pappy, whose drama rages on. So contact is pretty moot now as she turned almost everyone against me prior to dying and no one wants to "know" me.
But I am grateful all the same -- Very Greatful. Firstly, in 52 years, none of them had bothered to "know" me very well anyway, always accepting the image that was projected by NMom -- and we know that need have no basis in fact or reality. And to have peace and light and sleep and HEALTH is not a poor trade off. And during my recovery phase, none of them supported me emotionally, spiritually and certainly not financially.
But she is gone now and there is nothing between me and whatever I can do with the time I have left -- the family is giving me the silent treatment and I'm treating it like the blessing I hope it is. I miss my Dad a lot -- but Mom has come between us for the past 5 years and there were times while she was alive that I implored him for help and did not get it. Not that I am resentful exactly -- just Aware of the Facts.
So this evening / morning I am grateful -- because I have two days left of a weekend and all my plans got bailed -- I love when everyone cancels -- Yippee! I'm gonna do some chores and then loll... like Homer Simpson. (minus the beer)
We're doing okay in every way that I can think of at the moment and Now is pretty good.
But mostly, I'm glad you're words are here when I come in the middle of the night to ponder and wonder. You're words invariably prod or remind or comfort. I love you all.
Biddy (who will beg your indulgence when I later succumb to dispair)
