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Voicefullness Employed - Cents of Self

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cindy:
Friends - I found part of my recovery was to "clean house", i.e., distance from unhealthy friendships and also distance from friendships I wanted, but on different terms.  So I feel lonely, and for a while asked myself what I was doing as I needed friends now more than ever.  Only in hindsight did I realize I was cleaning house.

I also had a frined I was always there for dump me in my time of need.  Wow.  I appologized to her before I got some perspective.  That sucked.  But in the long run, it's good, as I don't need the needy or lopsided relationships.

That said, I have a couple out of town friends who chat on fridays and saturdays as we have no social lives.  Rebuilding takes time, I guess.

It's about setting healthy limits, for me.

Alan:
That's the ticket, Cindy.  Clear out the baggage and surround yourself with health.  

Right now, I am virtually friendless, lost them by not staying in touch with them over the past 3.5 years. bec my N wanted all my time and I accommodated.  My fault.

Now, I deal with family members more often, have apologized for my lack of contact and to some degree most understand.  I will start to work at some point soon and will develop new friends.  This is the way of recovery.  Aloneness can be very healthy, learn about yourself and grow.

nihil:
Hello Echo,

You ask yourself if having interests, passion, having fun in life shouldn't be something spontaneous? From what I think I understand, you have lost momentum and find yourself struggling just to focus on what you need to do to have control over your life and to become fully who you are. If I am wrong, please correct me.

I can relate with your questions and your feelings. I think that right now I am going through some very painful introspection. I am finding out that I was "voiceless" and that I have always exposed myself to narcissists because they always graft on to you with apparent praise and recognition for your thoughts, talents and abilities. You then find out it's a lie, then you hate yourself even more (path to self-destruction...). Downward spiral...

I was always told that children must be seen and not heard. Not once do I remember my parents responding to any of my ideas or projects. I remember only criticism, put-downs, belittling or indifference. I know that my parents did their best to get me and my brothers a good education, they took care of our basic needs, but I feel that they just didn't care who we were. Their respective childhoods were filled with violence, poverty, emotional blackmail and such, and now I can understand more why they are who they are. I can't help them, so now I avoid them. Reciprocal communication is just not possible with them. And as it has been mentioned in other threads, coming in contact with them (or with fiercer variations of NPD) always has me feeling queezy, almost sick. I have physical symptoms which manifest themselves at these times (asthma attacks, anxiety, complete mental discomfort).

I am now seeing deeper into my own patterns, and the patterns of those too close to me. It's unbearable. I cry every day. I find that if I want to heal, I have to move these people out of my life, give myself some mental time and space and look deep inside. Just reading the posts in this forum has helped me understand, not only intellectually, but in my flesh and bones, just what I have been going through all my life.

Going down this road is going to help me (forums, reading, introspection, isolation), this is a quiet certainty that inhabits me. I will know myself, then love myself, then will that long-sought momentum return to me and I will thrive. I am getting there. Some days I have really good energy (I see now that those days are always preceded by encounters with authentic and creative people, or by moments of artistic creativity, or just getting things done with love and patience). The rewards are forthcoming, I just have to travel through the pain and realization.

Looking forward to more of your posts. You've triggered lots in my head, thanks. Take care.

nihil

CC:
Hi Echo,

Glad to see you got around to this post topic  :D .  I am intrigued with your idea of the structured "stuff" such as resumes, etc.  I wonder if we could take one of your ideas even further - the resume you mentioned about the self horn-tooting..   wouldn't that be a healthy excercise for all of us who have experienced voicelessness??  What if each of us contributed a fantasy resume - one that identified our REAL selves, as true as we could be - how we really should perceive ourselves - and not as the narcissists in our lives made us feel?  Am I understanding you correctly - is this perhaps where you are going with this?  If nothing else, it would help us each identify more with who we are - and may even spark ideas of what our real resumes should reflect.  I may just do this on this thread and submit it. Anyone else?

cindy:
I've always found my ticket out of self-absorbtion to be involvement in others' lives.  I volunteer, in fact it's been my social life since I threw N out.  I'm not sure I believe in altruism, and I volunteer for a sense of community, and, "From each according to his ability to each according to his need."

I wrote a paper once about "Find some nosepickers..." that was well recieved.  The premise being do, don't think, yourself out of isolation.  Anyway, there are many different avenues, but this one works for me.

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