I just had a revelation last night regarding a persistent behavior I've been working on for years. I mention it here in case it may be helpful for others.
If like me you have a tendency to interrupt others when having conversations I thought you might find this very interesting, especially if you have made progress and only find yourself interrupting others once in a while.
It suddenly occurred to me that a very good reason we would have developed that habit is to try to stop one of those emotionally draining "speeches" the Narcisssist subjected us to or because of our need to be heard.
Ironically it is usually someone with Narcissistic traits who will point out to us that we interrupted them. And the very reason we did is that they are unaware of THEIR tendency to monopolize the conversation to the point where they are "presenting" and we are "listening" almost all the time.
Anyone who has been on the receiving end of a person with NPD who insists they are never listened to while they talk "AT YOU" on and on and on with no end in sight will know what I mean.
If that speech includes their usual emotionally abusive statements and/or third degree, accusations, etc. is it any wonder we learned to interrupt when someone is talking?
(Note that it DOESN'T WORK on someone with NPD - trying to stem the dumping will increase it or cause it to become more abusive. This is a good way to tell whether someone is truly suffering from NPD or just has narcissistic tendencies).
Here are some tips to help you tell if the person has NPD or may be able to work on their narcissistic traits:
You explain your needs very clearly or tell them that you do not want them to do something they are doing repeatedly. A person with NPD will either not acknowledge your request OR they may agree to accept it and then ignore it.
For example, you clearly tell someone that you do not want them to wake you up, but no matter how many times you tell them firmly and no matter how many times they promise they won't they do it again and again.
Or you tell them that you will not give them money. You make them promise not to ask you for a check they will "cover" by tonight, tomorrow, whatever. You can even get the promise in writing. But the very same day, next day, next time you see them they're asking again.
Other obvious signs are:
They interrupt what you're doing constantly.
They insist on having your total undivided attention for long periods of time while they talk at you incessantly. Forget about trying to do whatever you're doing and listen at the same time.
They do not want to hear and will become abusive if you try to bring up anything they do not want to think or hear about especially anything to do with getting them to actually fulfill their promises.
They do things for you with the obvious expectation that you will react in a certain way. If you fail to provide the feedback they want they will display a variety of attention getting behaviors including sulking, whining, berating you for not appreciating how wonderful they are to you or dramatic physical jestures.
[Note that what they did "for you" is not really "for you" and may not even be something you want done; they do if for the feeling they hope to get from your expected reaction.]
They have an enormous sense of entitlement which often makes their behavior in conflict with your sense of integrity and honesty. They may take inconsequental things and be unable to see that you consider it stealing. They insist on getting special treatment and special prices wherever they go.
They want to be waited on hand and foot. Even more telling they may TELL YOU they DON'T want you waiting on them and then become nasty or start their attention getting behaviors whenever you don't automatically do it.
They will complain about things that appear to be parroted from their parent's relationship. For example, even though you have no idea when they'll be back or whether they have eaten or not you will be criticized for not having dinner on the table. They'll ask if you've eaten and if you have reply with something like "it must be nice that YOU get to eat and I went hungry" even if they've been gone all day as though it is your fault.
They want to do things that are "larger than life" and avoid "ordinary" things like making a living. They may go out of their way with huge efforts to help someone but never contribute to their own support.
They exaggerate to make themselves or you sound better. There will be frequent inconsistencies in what they say. If you question those inconsistencies they will insist YOU are wrong or even CRAZY or INSANE.
They promise the moon and start big projects so that you aren't likely to get rid of them because of the mess you'd have to clean up that they keep promising to finish.
People with NPD are like lottery tickets. They deliver just enough to keep you hanging on hoping to recoup some of your investment in them. They may treat you like you're a pump, "priming" you with thoughtful gestures or gifts and immediately trying to use that to get something from you.
If you ask them to leave they will act like they are going to leave you, make a big production about how they're the victim, or how much you're losing if they leave, or even agree to leave.
They may even leave for a while but they'll be back. They may even act as though the discussion never happened and everything is just as it was before you asked them to leave.
That is probably one of the most obvious symptoms - denial and refusal to live in "reality". They believe what they want regardless of what happens around them.
Based on my having tried every tactic I can think of to modify how I am treated by a person who has all of the above with no success I have concluded that if they will not acknowledge or change that it is probably not possible.
[Note that they may TEMPORARILY agree to work on issues or promise to finally help support themselves or anything else they think will get them their way they don't mean it and they don't REALLY believe in changing themselves. They want what they want when they want it and have NO capacity to care AT ALL what you desire.]
If you recognize someone in the comments above consider getting out as quickly as possible. You will probably have to disappear - and do a good job when you do or they'll find you again.
One great way to avoid these types in the future is to see how they treat any children they may have. If they are not putting their children first, not paying child support, making commitments to a child they do not keep, always have excuses why something didn't happen and always insisting it is never THEIR fault - it is always something outside of them that is the cause - AVOID THAT PERSON.
Even if you feel empathy for them do not get involved with them. There is NO excuse for not putting your child's needs first.
If anything they say or do conflicts with your own sense of right and wrong or integrity, consider that a huge red flag.
Be someone who is responsible for themselves and only get involved with someone who is responsible.
