I used to post here - quite a bit - more than 4yrs ago. At one point I asked to have my posts deleted, and I tried very hard to just "deal with it".
I'm back.
For anyone who does not remember,(I still recognize a few names) I grew up with a NM, and a father who I idolized at the time for standing up for me once in a blue moon against her lies and bizarre behavior. As time went by, he began to loose his spirit, to protect her instead, to drink, and has finally arrived at the place where he has become like a servant to the queen. She continues in her usual capacity, except it has intensified over time. Her mother was the queen N of her family, and since she died 3yrs ago, my mother has done her best to take her mother's place - as the NM of her siblings, and myself and my family - things have gotten worse. My father has sunken into black and white thinking which only favors her - she is "always right" in his view. IF you speak up or try to communicate your feelings about her behavior, you will be "cut off".
There is no way to rewrite all of the unbelievable situations that I came here and wrote about until 2006. I can only tell the highlights - that I had this childhood where I felt like I was secretly being emotionally raped by my mother, and my father did his best to try to force me to not speak up or question it - or to tell anyone else. To "take it". If I spoke up, I was wrong to do so, labeled as angry, and a terrible son, and punished. She lied constantly, as she does today. She slammed doors in my face and told me she hoped I would not succeed in life. She purposely got me into trouble with my father - like a big sister who got joy from it - instead of a mother. She pushed him until I was belted quite often - for no reason, and he would comply with her, all the while asking her if it was "enough yet". There was so much - but the part that was even more bizarre for me, was that NO ONE outside of our home would ever believe ANYTHING I said about their behavior - because my parents had literally everyone around them "duped" and believing that they were awesome, wonderful people and parents. If I spoke up, then or even now, to most that know them, no one would believe me. I thank God for a few friends and both my ex and my spouse's (now) ability to see it after some time. I don't feel alone when I know that she knows, and understands.
When I came here before, it was in the days preceding, during, and following a massive rage from my parents, which resulted in two years (almost) of not talking, though we lived in close proximity. Since that time, I have experienced a divorce, my parents have moved about 53 miles from my home, I 'm remarried, with a (now) 1yr old with magnificent blue eyes and smile. My older two children (after a long and arduous battle) are now 50% with me and my wife, and the other 50% with their mother, only around the corner from us.
The former situation ended because my ex and I were tired of fighting their raging. We decided to accept that they were mentally challenged and to just try to blow them off going forward and make peace. Then the divorce. I tried to forget it all.
I am an only child, and my NM and dad have always been cultivating other people my age (all females with husbands and children) who they consider to be their "children and grandchildren" - and who they try to force upon my wife and children I - while badmouthing us to them when we are not around. These people never see their true side. That is reserved only for me. When they spend alot of time with them, my mother starts to get cockier toward me. In March of this year, it reached an all time peak. My mother asked us if we could tell them some ideas for cabins to rent for a vacation this summer. We gave some ideas, and suggested (for the kids sake) to make it a family vacation for a weekend or so. My NM said no - they wanted to go alone. (ok) A week later, we received a call from NM, asking if they could take our children on a vacation with them - to those very cabins we suggested - with the OTHER people, effectively removing my wife and I from the picture. We tried to ask her how she would feel if we did that to her, and she just claimed it was a misunderstanding and blew us off.
A week later we received two very nasty emails - both criticizing our life and lifestyle - and claiming that we dont make them feel "wanted" enough, like their pseudo family. A week later she started trying to act like nothing happened. My wife and I wrote back saying that she cannot talk to us like she did and just expect everything to be"ok", and that we would like an explanation. We used "i feel" statements, and did not say anything nasty back, but we were firm. No answer. Nothing. Weeks went by. Then I received an email from my fathers account, written half by her, and half by him. She proceeded to continue slamming us left and right, claiming we were "keeping the children from them", etc. and my father started calling her "his wife" and telling me that I cannot speak to my mother anymore - I will have to communicate through him ONLY, and that I/we were wrong to send the email we did to my NM before, that I am an angry, threatening person. No apologies, no acknowledgments. I wrote back that his message was asinine - that I will not talk "through" him, that I am 36, not 8 - and that if they would like to continue to be a family they will have to stop acting like they are, and my mother would need to call me when she was ready.
Weeks went by.
Last Monday, I received a profane text message on my way home from work. I replied that I was busy and that I would call back later. THe profane texts continued, telling me "you demanded this command performance - not call me and end this BS now or we are driving to your HOUSE NOW!". I told her I would not have a confrontation, and to call back when she was not so angry. The names continued, and texts, and later two nasty voicemails - one from her - one from him - until I shut off my phone. When I turned it on, there were more, and one last message with a picture of them, saying how old they are and that they "love" me and always have... and to "take my time" and call back later in the week. ??????
I waited a day.
On Wednesday, I received a text message from my mother saying that I would no longer be allowed to call or email her phone, as my father had blocked me with Verizon, to "protect" her, and her fragile blood pressure. (yeah right). I would only be allowed to call my father going forward, and not her. I was furious. I wrote her back from an internet page that lets you send text messages from other numbers, and told them "good luck with that - and that I wish them a great future together - and that I would not crawl to my father. If they wanted me to talk to either of them again, they would have to remove the block on her phone and stop acting like immature children. She wrote something back - saying she was sorry for offending us in March, but that I can only speak to my father now. I told them good luck, goodbye.
I blocked my mother from communicating with my 12yr old daughter on FB - after discussing it with my ex. My mother had been saying divisive things to her in messages, and comments and we both saw it. Instead of calling me, she called my EX, to try to "fix it". My ex told her to talk to me - but reminded her that I CANT CALL her anyway.
Weirdos. Bizarre, weirdos. I want to scream. I am 36 and they are STILL doing this to me. They STILL look like wonderful people to all of our mutual friends and family, and I, as usual, - the angry bad son - and now my wife is included with me. And you know what? They've already begun smearing us to their little friends and were seeing signs of it. They're increasing the time they spend with their fake family and fake grandchildren, instead of trying to fix this, in the meantime, my little girl with the huge blue eyes has no grandparents - and they don't care. They don't care. I have trouble rationalizing that, but it's true.
So I'm back. I felt weak today, and almost wrote a text to them to remind them that I will not talk to them until they remove the block on her cell phone - BUT, I took another turn and came here. There was strength her in the past.
I hope someone makes it through my loooong post
Thanks for listening / reading. I just don't know what to do... one part of me says that they're not worth it - which they are not - but the other side of me knows that this is not natural - and yearns to have a parent relationship. Do I go into another two years maybe permanent end to that relationship - or will it be as stressful as it was before... I don't know. Its eating me up as it is.
