No Longer A Slave,
You deserve your own pace at deciding how you want to handle your N mother and your abusive stepfather. I dont remember anyone pressuring you here, but even those outside this board that pressured you may have been horrified by your story and were trying to push you to come to a resolution. Its hard to know where those boundaries are and your story, as you have told it here, is heartbreaking.
I remember worrying about you when you were so desperate for cash that you were willing to go into the sex trade. That's desperate.
It is very common for victims of sexual abuse to struggle for a long while when their abuse is not validated by their family, as yours was not. The journey is often two steps forward and one step back and no one can really tell you how fast to proceed. All we can do is continue to validate that you were abused and that it was indeed a BIG DEAL and you dont have to whitewash it to make ANYONE more comfortable--even if that anyone is you.
I am reposting something that you wrote when you first came to VESMB. I think that when you try to come up with reasons for why your stepfather "isnt so bad" that you recognize whose voice is speaking. He WAS so bad. And you, when you are ready, can walk away from his financial "help". And, no, it isnt understandable that your mom is staying with him after his abuse.
Much support to you on your journey
CB
More memories are coming of my step-dad as well...
When I was 13, he gave me a condom. He knew I wanteed to have sex with someone else, and he was basically saying it was "OKAY." On the outside, my step-dad would PRETEND to be infuriated about my behavior and say "I don't know why she's acting so sexual at school." At 13, I truly felt that it was all my fault, b/c my parents would act clueless in front of therapists and school faculty.
Now, I remember that he was utterly responsible for distorting my views on sex. What makes it worse is that he pretends to be this pure and moral person, and he looks down on others as being "slutty and having no morals." I wrote in my diary in 6th grade how I had funny feelings about my step-dad. My instincts told me something was fishy, but I wasn't mature enough to put my finger on it. My step-dad would read my diary behind my back and tell me "Look, if I want sex..I can get it from any woman in my office. I'm not trying to have sex with you!" A month later, there he was slipping his hands down my pants and asking me to give him a blowjob. In his head, he doesn't view this as "sexual abuse." He told me that "Rape is only when you're violently forced. You and I are helping each other. This is different. You need to learn sex from me, so your husband won't run away from you." Like kids do, I went along with what he said. After all, my mom said my step-dad knows everything and that we should listen to him.
Since I went along with my step-dad, my mom and ex use this against me and say "You should have stopped it." If I tell them, "The law says 13 year olds aren't capable of giving consent," they say "Who cares about your law and psychology bullshit.... You should have known better."
Growing up was hard, b/c I would hear other people from my ethnicity saying how moral our culture is. This contributed to me feeling as if there was something wrong with me. People did look at me as if I was a disease and a disgrace to Indian females for being so sexual. One of my mom's friends even asked me, "Are you trying to copy white girls?" NO, IT WAS MY FUCKING STEP-DAD WHO TRAINED ME TO BE LIKE THAT! If Indians are so moral, why did my step-dad do that to me? I also remember my mom's friend saying "I understand why you hit her. She shouldn't be dressing so sexual." WTF? Out of rage, my mom slapped me a few times in the 8th grade when I was acting out, and told me how I was making her life hell. I even told my principal this, and the principal said "That's what you get for breaking the rules in your house." He didn't do anything about it. Where I work, you get a 51-A filed on you for doing that.
Reading all of this and writing it sounds FUCKED UP. That's right. FUCKED UP. I was brainwashed into thinking that it's not a big deal, but how can you do that to a 12-13 year old? Buy them a condom, and show them hustler magazine? My step-dad truly is sick and screw you mom for getting mad at me for saying this. My mom and ex "claim" that he's changed. BS.
Everytime "Maybe my step-dad isn't so bad" comes in my head, I'm going to read this. That "thought" is my mom's voice! NOT MINE!
Ever since I was 7, I always knew something was fishy about my step-dad. Too bad nobody was there to validate me until I was 24 years old.