Being pressured to go NC when you don't truly want to

[nolongeraslave]

No need to respond. Just letting some thoughts out.

Some situations happened recently that made me realize it's not realistic to cut ties off with my parents (which is what those who know my situation encourage me to do).  My parents have done some atrocious things, but they're the first ones to give a helping hand in drastic life circumstances. Nobody else was there to financially help me when I lost my job. The most my friends did was say "Sorry", but nobody was quick to help me get out of the mess.

I was unfairly terminated by a boss that's probably more cruel than my own parents.    There are other situations that I don't want to go to. I'm still struggling with trying to get my name in my car and registering it in this state, which also requires my parents' involvement.  


These situations made me realize that I understand WHY my mom chooses to stay with my step-dad. I don't feel angry at her anymore for that.  


After being in tune with my intuition for awhile, the best thing is to just keep in touch with the family and keep my guard up.  I hate to say it, but I think the idea of going NC was me being influenced by other people.  I was also worried about how others would perceive me, being judged, and making sure I was doing the right thing according to society.


People ask me "Why on earth do you talk to those people?" At the end of the day, they're not the ones dealing with what I'm going through. They can easily say "Just stop talking to them," but they don't have to deal with the financial and cultural consequences that come with it.

[Sealynx]

I never went NC with mine, but neither did I court their company. I was nice to them over Holidays but lowered my expectations to zero. It can be done. Some people live with rattlesnakes and tigers. I think the most important thing in dealing with them is not to share your real feelings with them. Voice a need if you can do so without expecting empathy. Make it sound like it is in their best interest. That's all that matters.

[JustKathy]

Nolonger, I totally understand what you're saying. I was pressured for years to go NC by a therapist, but at the time, I really wasn't ready. This particular therapist was a bad one who I eventually dropped. She continually told me that I had no one to blame for M's abuse but myself, as long as I insisted on maintaining a relationship with her. At the time, there were other family considerations, and I just couldn't cut ties. I felt like I was being bullied into it by someone who wasn't in my shoes, and didn't have to live with my problems.

I did eventually go NC, and it has worked out well for me, but I'm glad that I didn't give into pressure, and waited until I was ready to do it. Go with your gut and do what is best for you. You are the best judge of what is right for your own life.

[nolongeraslave]

JustKathy, what your therapist said is terrible.  I'm glad you ditched her. I do think pressuring someone to do something when they're not ready can be a form of abuse. 

"Living with rattlesnakes and tigers." That's exactly what it is! There are people that learn how to deal with them, instead of running away. I know my parents are incapable of emotional empathy, but I know they're the first ones to financially provide when in need. They don't ask me to pay them back either.  That may be all what they know how to do, like the NM that says "But, I put a roof over your head!"


Sure, going NC may be an option in the future. But, it isn't now. Trust me, I've tried several times. It didn't work. All I know is I don't want to hear how I must sever ties right away.

I'm going with my mom to India for a week and a half.  She's flying to my place first, BUT I don't care right now. I'm not worried about what she may say or do.  Losing my job has got me focused on money only for the past few weeks.  I would rather be with my mom than my old boss, haha.

[Ami]

I know what you mean, NLAS. It is easy to feel pressured by the group-whatever group that may be .I am glad you are reasoning out your own way!                           x o x  Ami

[Twoapenny]

Hi NLS,

Pressuring anyone into dong anything is just another form of bullying, as far as I'm concerned.  Any decisions about your life are yours to make.  Difficult decisions - like going NC - can only be made when the person concerned is ready to do so.

I've been NC for three and a half years now.  For me, it's the only way.  But if you'd said to me, even a month before it happened, "you ought to cut off all contact with your mum", I'd have told you to take a running jump.  It's a huge step to take and not one that suits everybody.

It's good that you know your own mind well enough to decide what you want and stick to it.  Well done for standing up for yourself.

[Hopalong]

I hear you, NLAS.
And I'm sorry I added to that pressure. Heck, I LIVED with my Nmother for 10 years--who'm I to talk?

I really like what Sealynx said about keeping your guard up and having no expectations.

It means being very committed to reality and rejecting fantasies. After a while, it's true, it doesn't even hurt any more when a narcissist responds like a narcissist. After a very long time, I was no longer hurt by my Nmother being herself.

NOT expecting empathy, and keeping an eye out for the cost of enmeshment...might protect you long enough to benefit from their support that can help stabilize your life, and then you can build more independence.

love,
Hops

[JustKathy]

I know my parents are incapable of emotional empathy, but I know they're the first ones to financially provide when in need

Hey, if my parents were willing to help me out financially, I would be willing to tolerate them and wave my pom poms while doing it. You're in a very fortunate position. Most Ns use money as a weapon. Some may give it to you and guilt you for it, others, as in my case, take it away from you as a punishment. My father informed me (with absolutely no emotion whatsoever) that I had been removed from the will at NM's insistence because I had been a bad daughter to her. This was rubbed in my face right after my husband told him that we were suffering financially and at risk of a foreclosure. After that, I went NC with my co-father as well. He claimed that he had "no say" in the writing of his own will. NM controlled all the shots. That's a new level of cruel.

It sounds like in your case, you have a lot to lose by going NC. When I went NC, I had NOTHING to lose. Big difference. If they are willing to help you out financially, take it with a smile on your face, and consider it restitution for your pain and suffering.

[nolongeraslave]

Hopalong-I'm sorry that you thought I was talking about you. I should have addressed that this thread wasn't geared towards anyone here. I never saw you as someone who was bullying me to cut contact. You were just giving your ideas and ways how to do it with my car situation.

JustKathy-My mom does have a history of using guilt and manipulation with money, BUT I'm learning how to set my boundaries around it. My step-dad actually puts my mom in place, because he doesn't use money as a weapon. If he gives it to me, it's mine to keep with no strings attached.  I used to get anxious about my mom doing something drastic with money, but she realistically can't do much.  All what she can do is complain and verbally attack me with words.  I've had to learn to not let that get to me.  Before, I would take her words so seriously to the point where I believed that something bad would happen to me, if I didn't do what she wanted.


I'm actively dating as well, in search of someone compatible.  I'm not comfortable saying "I cut off contact with my family" when dates ask "Tell me about your family."  What's ironic is that my step-dad is actively engaged in even finding someone for me.  

This also applies to people telling me I should press charges towards my step-dad for what he has done in the past, or how I'm "allowing" him to molest other kids. There's no evidence of him molesting other kids right now. He doesn't hang around kids, and we aren't silly enough to let kids be alone with him.  My co-worker, who has worked with sex offenders, says the recidivism rates are lower than what the general popuilation thinks.  It turns out my stepdad's re-offending rate is pretty low based on the criteria, given when my co-worker has told me.  I don't think he's dumb enough to actively seek out kids and get his ass in trouble, when he has a job and a family to support.  He also has to look good himself, if he wants to marry me off. He chose me, b/c I was an easy target and he knew he could get away with.

I'm not being naive. Just being realistic.  I know what I need to do to keep myself and other kids safe from him, but that doesn't mean I have to cut ties with him. If he's giving financial help and keeping my N mom in place, then why not.  I was also told by others that I'm bad for taking money from my parents, but screw them. Some have said "You don't deserve sympathy if you're still in touch with them".

[Hopalong]

"You don't deserve sympathy if you're still in touch with them"

That's not fair. It's a Herculean work, detaching...

(And no worries re. me--I just remember pushing you HARD to not let her calls go from ear to psyche...)

BTW, if you make your biggest goal long-term financial independence, with your current education and planning and one small step at a time toward that goal with determination...

In the long run you will be absolutely all right, imo. It can be distracting when the need for money is linked to depeNdency. Temporary depeNdency while you make and achieve your plans, step by step...you can cope with.

love,
Hops

[CB123]

No Longer A Slave,

You deserve your own pace at deciding how you want to handle your N mother and your abusive stepfather.  I dont remember anyone pressuring you here, but even those outside this board that pressured you may have been horrified by your story and were trying to push you to come to a resolution.  Its hard to know where those boundaries are and your story, as you have told it here, is heartbreaking.

I remember worrying about you when you were so desperate for cash that you were willing to go into the sex trade.  That's desperate. 

It is very common for victims of sexual abuse to struggle for a long while when their abuse is not validated by their family, as yours was not.  The journey is often two steps forward and one step back and no one can really tell you how fast to proceed.  All we can do is continue to validate that you were abused and that it was indeed a BIG DEAL and you dont have to whitewash it to make ANYONE more comfortable--even if that anyone is you.

I am reposting something that you wrote when you first came to VESMB.  I think that when you try to come up with reasons for why your stepfather "isnt so bad" that you recognize whose voice is speaking.  He WAS so bad.  And you, when you are ready, can walk away from his financial "help".  And, no, it isnt understandable that your mom is staying with him after his abuse. 

Much support to you on your journey

CB

More memories are coming of my step-dad as well...

When I was 13, he gave me a condom. He knew I wanteed to have sex with someone else, and he was basically saying it was "OKAY."  On the outside, my step-dad would PRETEND to be infuriated about my behavior and say "I don't know why she's acting so sexual at school."  At 13, I truly felt that it was all my fault, b/c my parents would act clueless in front of therapists and school faculty.

Now, I remember that he was utterly responsible for distorting my views on sex.  What makes it worse is that he pretends to be this pure and moral person, and he looks down on others as being "slutty and having no morals."   I wrote in my diary in 6th grade how I had funny feelings about my step-dad. My instincts told me something was fishy, but I wasn't mature enough to put my finger on it.  My step-dad would read my diary behind my back and tell me "Look, if I want sex..I can get it from any woman in my office. I'm not trying to have sex with you!"  A month later, there he was slipping his hands down my pants and asking me to give him a blowjob.  In his head, he doesn't view this as "sexual abuse." He told me that "Rape is only when you're violently forced. You and I are helping each other. This is different. You need to learn sex from me, so your husband won't run away from you."   Like kids do, I went along with what he said. After all, my mom said my step-dad knows everything and that we should listen to him.

Since I went along with my step-dad, my mom and ex use this against me and say "You should have stopped it." If I tell them, "The law says 13 year olds aren't capable of giving consent," they say "Who cares about your law and psychology bullshit.... You should have known better."

Growing up was hard, b/c I would hear other people from my ethnicity saying how moral our culture is. This contributed to me feeling as if there was something wrong with me. People did look at me as if I was a disease and a disgrace to Indian females for being so sexual.  One of my mom's friends even asked me, "Are you trying to copy white girls?"  NO, IT WAS MY FUCKING STEP-DAD WHO TRAINED ME TO BE LIKE THAT! If Indians are so moral, why did my step-dad do that to me?   I also remember my mom's friend saying "I understand why you hit her. She shouldn't be dressing so sexual."  WTF?   Out of rage, my mom slapped me a few times in the 8th grade when I was acting out, and told me how I was making her life hell. I even told my principal this, and the principal said "That's what you get for breaking the rules in your house." He didn't do anything about it. Where I work, you get a 51-A filed on you for doing that.

Reading all of this and writing it sounds FUCKED UP. That's right. FUCKED UP.  I was brainwashed into thinking that it's not a big deal, but how can you do that to a 12-13 year old? Buy them a condom, and show them hustler magazine?  My step-dad truly is sick and screw you mom for getting mad at me for saying this.    My mom and ex "claim" that he's changed. BS.

Everytime "Maybe my step-dad isn't so bad" comes in my head, I'm going to read this.  That "thought" is my mom's voice! NOT MINE!

Ever since I was 7, I always knew something was fishy about my step-dad. Too bad nobody was there to validate me until I was  24 years old.

[nolongeraslave]

I'm going to be honest here. I re-read that paragraph and felt numb. I felt, "Oh, but he's not like that anymore."    Maybe I'm so panicked about money right now and getting my finances on track.  

Since my mom was so anxious about money, I know I got it from her.  So, I can see how she feels. It's not fun being in that constant state of panic about your money.  When I thought about her staying with my step-dad, I wondered if she feels the way how I'm feeling.

Maybe I will revert back to feelings of disgust and anger in the future, but I seriously feel exhausted.


 

[Twoapenny]

NLS,

I've been actively working on my problems (which include sexual abuse) for the last ten years.  It isn't a clear cut, linear process.  It's very common to do some work and stop and start.  Things happen if/when you are ready to deal with them.  My feelings towards my step-dad (who sexually abused me from the age of twelve) have changed frequently, sometimes on a daily basis.  Nothing's clear cut.  What's important is that you do what feels right for you at the time.  You might change your mind about reporting him at some point in the future, you might not.  You might stay as you are with your folks, or you might go NC.  Nothing's set in stone.  Personally I go day to day, and if one day I feel okay about it all and the next day I feel like I want to kill everybody then that's okay.  You work through things in your own way, at your own pace.  Other people's input can be helpful, but at the end of the day it's your life and you always need to do what works for you, not what anyone else think's would work for you.

[seastorm]

No Longer a Slave,

I am so sorry that your stepfather was a child molester and that he abused you. That is so horrible. Inexcusable. I work with abused children and I see how it hurts and confuses them. How they feel responsible. How they are shamed and broken and confused. They can heal. Offenders dont change much from what I see. They don't and I believe aren't capable of understanding the damage they do.

I hope you can love yourself as much as you can every day. Thank goodness you can find your voice and tell your story here and get support.

Lies really damage. Really getting into a peson's head and effectively doing laser surgery on one's perception of the world in every way. Somewhere someone said that the worst kind of thief was a liar and that they steal something so precious from the one they lie to. The way they see their world.  My heart goes out to you.

I wish you were free of them but I dont live in your shoes. There is mighty good advice here from people much wiser than I am. You cant change them, but you can arm yourself and see clearly what your parents are.

Wishing you the best,

Sea storm

[Worn]

(((((((NLAS)))))))

Take care of yourself.  You are precious.  I agree that this is you life-your choice.  I'm in a somewhat similar situation to you, getting financial help from Nm and Ef.  Right now I'm hating it but don't really see a way out at the moment.  My T asked me the other day how I'd feel when the day came and I could tell them I don't need their money anymore and they can take a hike.  I couldn't help but smile at the thought and told her it would be the best day of my life.  But right now is not that time.  So I practice patience.  Wishing you peace, Worn