Hi Hops:
Thanks again for the thoughtful post. In some respects you are right. My dad was raised by a very domineering mother...who I'm sure loved her kids but who was ill-equipped to raise 5 children by herself. However, my dad did have an older brother who he adored and who took on that father role. I know my dad did not have an easy life...not at all. He had no father; they were really poor and did not have much in life. My heart breaks for him because of that. I also think he was ill-prepared to have children. My dad, I think, enjoyed the toddler stage of children's lives. To this day, when he sees a small child in a store or somewhere, he immediately tries to get that child's attention and spends his time with them. Even with my niece, whom he adores when she was little, he lavished attention on. However, I think that's because children who are on that infant/toddler stage NEED that parent/grandparent. They depend on them for everything..so it's all about that provider. But when that child grows beyond that stage and starts to exert independence...doesn't depend on that other person for every single need, then that's when both my parents, including my dad, had trouble. Once my niece grew beyond that stage, for example, he had no use for her (neither did my Nmom). He never took an interest in her, never helped her with homework, etc. The only exception was when she turned the attention on him. He would often talk in reminiscing tones about how "remember when she was little and did this...or that?" He never could appreciate her or myself or siblings passed that initial first stage of childhood. He didn't know or want to be a parent during those stages...I think it was more the latter...So when attention was averted away from him (or my Nmom) and towards the child's needs, he just wouldn't have it...wouldn't participate. I think ultimately he never wanted a relationship with anyone except my Nmom...and that was, as you say, out of fear. He depended on her completely....and in fact, was terrified whenever myself or my brother would do or say something against her.
So, yes, it is very very sad. Some might say he was incapable of understanding how to be a good parent. But..for me...based on his actions...I say he chose not to. I say he chose the sickness that is my mother over us. I think deep down he was an dis aware of his choice. He just tunes the rest out. And so, a double whammy of a loss. He also chose to be estranged from his siblings. Just as now, my brother an dI are estranged from my Nsis...and I am going that route when it comes to my bro who does not understand. My Nom , not surprisingly, was estranged from her sibling. A very, very lonely world indeed.
