Author Topic: PTSD (or maybe just a triggered reaction?)  (Read 1471 times)

sKePTiKal

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PTSD (or maybe just a triggered reaction?)
« on: June 17, 2010, 09:51:46 AM »
Just survived another episode of this... this time the "last straw" was another in my D's recurring list of life-crises.

And while the effects of it were different this time (I simply shut down for 8-10 hours  instead of hurling myself into out of control blabbing, anger, cursing, venting/dumping, despair and trying to find an escape)... I can see that there were a whole series of things leading up to this - the "last straw" isn't the most important piece of this. They are things I can work to change - through self awareness, mostly - but also through a renewed look at and study of boundaries.

I've waited to post - because I wanted to let the personal history type details (the connections between now and my 40 yr old "then") subside enough that I wouldn't get distracted by them. In my shutdown state, my non-verbal brain was working frantically - more energetically than it has in quite a while. There's some good stuff that'll come up to the expressive stage now, from that. About how I set myself up for the "last straw" - and how I can learn to not do that in the future.

One thing I "saw", was that there are different KINDS of reactions to different kinds of fear triggers. And that all kinds of triggered fear reactions are directly related to some kind of boundary violation - either traumatic & violent or subtle, persistent, repetitive and soul-grinding. And I suppose, that there are other emotional reactions than fear possible with those violations. Anger & rage come to mind; maybe sometimes depression & helplessness.

I also "saw" that I was directly responsible this latest episode (it wasn't just something that "happened", you know?) in that for a series of days, maybe even weeks, I was ignoring signals from my boundary "monitors" that I needed to take some time out for my own needs - or ask to have those needs met. The "danger signal" went off - and I kept plodding on anyway, too numb/dumb to notice that something nuclear was about to ex/implode.

It starts out with little things... that go unnoticed. Instead of making what I want to make (and have gone to some trouble to plan) for dinner, I'll make what someone else wants. Instead of just spacing out in front of the TV because I'm tired & winding down, I'll agree to play cards with hubby & MIL. Instead of asking hubby if he'll take the dog out this time... I'll just get up and do it myself. This is a small, but still important boundary "dispute"... what I want or need vs. going along with everyone else: i.e., people pleasing at my own expense.

More important boundary disputes inevitably turn up later, if I just continue to ignore my own needs (and even some of those wants) as I go plodding along. The danger signal showed up in the form of a business project that appeared to need me to travel some thousand miles to complete "necessary" tasks in person without any possibility of completing those tasks remotely. Simultaneously, I was in the process of trying to complete some home projects in-between groups of family company coming to stay and visit. I enjoy hosting people, even when in the midst of trying to sort out all these boundary attitudes, feelings, and processes. And of course, in my mind - I'm the only one who can deal with hubby's stacks of paper, the dog/cat hair to be cleaned up, meal planning, etc. Another BIG boundary conlict: how could I stay here and fulfill my inner obligation to "over-responsibility" and be THERE to take care of what only I am truly responsible for????

As it turns out, the need to travel wasn't necessary. I spent days on the phone (while still checking things off the to-do list) trying to resolve the situation - only to find out that through a misunderstanding and miscommunication - there was no "situation" at all. And hubby volunteers (though I haven't seen him tackle this yet!) that he'll deal with his "stacks".

Timing is everything - a couple of weeks of low-level boundary disputes and falling into my own over-responsible boundary pattern; discovering the business travel situation the day before hearing of D's crisis - and only that there WAS a crisis; not WHAT kind and not being able to get in touch with her - or anyone she had talked to or asked for help.... eh voila - instant PTSD episode. But this time, my reaction/behavior was so different it's turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

As I floated around in my shutdown state I saw that the "control" of my fear, helplessness, irritation with others even... could all be traced back to this "over-responsibility", which is based on the old boundary issue created through parentification... my Nmom's intrusions into my Self to able to "wield" me like a tool or shield and never meet my needs... my conditioning to always adapt mySelf to her needs and consequently the needs of others (perceived as real - whether I really owned responsibility or not). SIGH - such is life being a child of a (at least suspected) BPD parent.

The control - where my switch is located - is in boundaries and my conditioned habit of doing way too much for others; assuming that I am the one that "has to" be responsible, in all situations. Which leaves my needs, my self-care - all hung out to dry; ignored; wanting... unnoticed; unrecognized. Realizing this - even if it was not in words initially - has changed something fundamental in me. Don't know what to call that yet. But it's been quite useful dealing with D and her crisis - and it's allowed me to define some boundaries and open a conversation with her about them and responsibility, too. Instead of just plodding on - ignoring my own needs - I'm a lot more clear about them. Paradoxically - I've observed that it's now easier for me really connect on a genuine level with people. Don't know why that should be... but hey, it's not a bad side-effect!

And neither was my shutdown time. I could just let my emotions be... and not think, let the non-verbal part of my brain do the processing... which is exactly what I needed to do to meet my needs at the time. Something sort of snapped in me, when the trigger was unavoidably pulled this time... sort of back into place. And it feels different, though I still can't find words for how it feels. It's definitely not a bad feeling... so maybe a good feeling of one kind or another.

Everything is OK; everything is all right. How 'bout that?
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

teartracks

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Re: PTSD (or maybe just a triggered reaction?)
« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2010, 10:54:43 PM »



(((((((PR)))))))

I'm finding out how good it feels, when I'm in people pleasing overload, to tell myself, you don't have to do this.  It even feels good when I have the presence of remind myself that they probably really don't need or want you to do this and if they do, then too bad, I'm going to take a break from it all.  In a week, in a month, in a year, most likely none of us will know the difference, let alone remember if I say not to that nagging need to repeat actions, behaviors that are proven vampires to my wellbeing.

tt


Gaining Strength

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Re: PTSD (or maybe just a triggered reaction?)
« Reply #2 on: June 18, 2010, 12:06:04 PM »
PR - thank you for sharing.  To read how you are able to under fold the triggers and look at them and see  the inner workings of this experience and its tennacles into past and present is fascinating and encouraging. 

I want to say more but am tongue tied in a circular way.  Thinking of you GS

sKePTiKal

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Re: PTSD (or maybe just a triggered reaction?)
« Reply #3 on: June 19, 2010, 07:38:47 AM »
You're absolutely right of course, tt - no one expects, is concerned about or will remember all this stuff that seems to be so critical in my rabbit-trail mind. I have even gone out of my way to experiment with this and "prove it" to myself, by intentionally 'not doing' something, and waiting for someone to notice. They don't. I think this phenomenon is a form of inner critic; a laser-beam slave master who will always see that stray dust-bunny, the weed that popped up overnight in the bed that I spend hours on, the day before... and it's only in my rabbit-trail, that there is shame attached to it.

GS: I wish I could bottle or transcribe exactly what happens in one of my "seeing" sessions... the closest I've ever gotten to "explaining" it, is that I can use Rbrain to see Lbrain - as if Lbrain were another person or ego; separate - or as if in a mirror playing out thoughts, emotions, words & actions in my imagination. When this happens (I don't think it's entirely volitional or that I'm able to do this at will - wouldn't that be useful?!) everything seems to be felt, understood somewhere deep within, very very clearly. People spend years working in meditation to even be able to do this... and from all I (and my T) have been able to tell, this is some very positive side-effect of my history with my FOO; perhaps the trauma... and rather than being a cause for worry and something that's "wrong" with me (like I thought for so long) it is, on the contrary, extremely valuable.

In some ways, I think it helps build personal "meaning". I've grazed over the idea of how we create our own personal narratives - and how my healing process has heavily edited and rewritten some of my own narrative. Meaning is something else; that right now for me, defies description.

.............

Another thing that has come from this recent experience is associated with how I'm related to the identity-concept of "artist". (Sounds like a non sequitor, huh? Who knows why this?) Even as a young child, I was able to draw representationally what I saw. And inititally, for me, that was a means to another end. My neighbor Ruth was a seamstress and '69 was a fun year in fashion. Right before the trauma experience, I was opening up to a larger world and venturing out into the world on my personal journey of growth & discovery of "real" life - away from the secretive, confining, Nrule-based FOO world - and thought I wanted to design clothes. Ruth gave me a set of sketch pencils and a drawing pad. We'd talk about the sewing techniques my ideas would involve and how to draw patterns for this... and I see the whole process in my mind, of how the dress could go from an invisible "idea" to something real that you could touch. It was the engineering side of this - the actual steps in the process and the hands-on application of an idea (and the consequent problem-solving) to physical materials - that was my area of interest.

Of course: sewing with Nmom I always had to do things her way; the way she learned; I couldn't invent or experiment - and was shamed about being "impatient".... which wasn't true at all; I have immense patience when I'm making something. Projecting again.

Somewhere along the line, I realized that art is another language. I could SAY the things I needed to say/express and it would be "in code". Nmom wouldn't know! I didn't have to "explain" my pictures; just say: if you can't see - oh well! Imagine my delight... Now that I've been able to bring those things into the verbal part of my brain - to actually say the words - and BE SAFE saying them... I no longer have such a need to express myself visually. Period. End of connection between me and visual art. What remains however, is my fascination with process and technique - the engineering side of things. I'm still a "maker" of things... still creative.

And I've noticed that instead of ideas for pictures popping into my head, I'm hearing bits & pieces of stories popping up. For instance, wondering about the folks who sold us this house... I had picked up something on my intuitive "radar" about the wife; something was "off" - not right ... and over time, I return to that awareness and notice that I'm starting to make up a story about her and then realizing, that I could write a fictional story about her... and like the way I expressed "me" in pictures... the story could be "in code"... and I'm going to think about this, a bit and see if the idea "sticks". Short stories, maybe....
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

CB123

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Re: PTSD (or maybe just a triggered reaction?)
« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2010, 02:04:27 PM »
Amber,

Once again, I really "get" what you are saying here.  You and I seem to have very different past wounds, but I have watched the same developments in my own thinking.

I have that same sense of observation of my thinking...it is something that has developed over time, and is closely associated with healing and with better ability to reason out of and cope with an emotionally charged situation.  You explain it so well...I dont know if I could have put it into words. All I know is that it only comes into play when I am not "flooding"--I have to either remove myself of give the situation time.  I have learned that I almost NEVER react well until I have given myself (and the other people involved) time to stop flooding emotionally.  Then I can do exactly what you describe here.  I have only recently been able to, in the midst of the actually flooding, be aware that I will be okay when I get to the other side.  Until recently, I have had to use my will to sit still until it passed--but I had no sense that it would be better and that I would be better.

Thanks for the very apt description.  I find that descriptions like this are good tools for claiming the process.

CB
When they are older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way -- and it surely has not -- she adjusted her sails.  Elizabeth Edwards 2010

Hopalong

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Re: PTSD (or maybe just a triggered reaction?)
« Reply #5 on: June 19, 2010, 04:15:38 PM »
Wow, Amber. More dimensions.

I am warmed by your having had a kind, interested neighbor. A PHamily member. How amazing it would be for children of Ns if there really were other, interested adults. Even one outside, healthy adult's interest can change a kid's life.

I hope if there is any joy remaining in visual art, that if you ever want to circle back around to it (or rather, maybe years from now, find yourself wanting to do a picture from a new path)...if that ever happens, I hope it's all yours. Not a secret code you require because your Nmother disallowed your self expression. And all the rest, curse it. I wish you hadn't had the trama, period. Duh. Not a clever thought.

You do amaze me. Your reflections, when I think of the engineering metaphor, are even richer. Wow. Studying the engineering of your own mind. Such a superb curiosity.

Hope this week is going better.

CB, hi...thank you for the reminder about "flooding". It's a great term for me to think about. It's like a car's engine, just...no go. And for the reminder too that all things pass and all things change and emotion is never ever static--it will move through no matter what feeling it is.

much love,
Hops who should be writing

"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: PTSD (or maybe just a triggered reaction?)
« Reply #6 on: June 20, 2010, 09:13:05 AM »
Ya... I think I'm getting a toehold on a whole new "phase" here, Hops! Don't know much about it yet - but you know me! I'll keep watching & observing & figure out the lay of the land, eventually. And then, I'll have to - and be able to - blab about it.

CB, yes - yes - I do believe there was a moment or six of flooding!  :D  Now that you've pointed it out, I wonder how this time was different... and I didn't get completely submerged or flooded away... like a twig in a river...
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Gaining Strength

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Re: PTSD (or maybe just a triggered reaction?)
« Reply #7 on: June 20, 2010, 06:11:29 PM »
"How amazing it would be for children of Ns if there really were other, interested adults. Even one outside, healthy adult's interest can change a kid's life."
Wow - Hops.  How often I have thought this thought and longed for such a person.

PR - I am so thankful for your sharing.  It is something (this thread) that I will read and rread and slowly digest.  Your mind and your postings help me tremendously.

How I wish we could all get together for a retreat and delve into these conversations.

There is so much I would do if I had Meg Whitman's money and getting us together would be one of those things.  I have a hope of puttingg together a center that will offer help to other children of Ns.  Can't wait until my shp comes in.