Just survived another episode of this... this time the "last straw" was another in my D's recurring list of life-crises.
And while the effects of it were different this time (I simply shut down for 8-10 hours instead of hurling myself into out of control blabbing, anger, cursing, venting/dumping, despair and trying to find an escape)... I can see that there were a whole series of things leading up to this - the "last straw" isn't the most important piece of this. They are things I can work to change - through self awareness, mostly - but also through a renewed look at and study of boundaries.
I've waited to post - because I wanted to let the personal history type details (the connections between now and my 40 yr old "then") subside enough that I wouldn't get distracted by them. In my shutdown state, my non-verbal brain was working frantically - more energetically than it has in quite a while. There's some good stuff that'll come up to the expressive stage now, from that. About how I set myself up for the "last straw" - and how I can learn to not do that in the future.
One thing I "saw", was that there are different KINDS of reactions to different kinds of fear triggers. And that all kinds of triggered fear reactions are directly related to some kind of boundary violation - either traumatic & violent or subtle, persistent, repetitive and soul-grinding. And I suppose, that there are other emotional reactions than fear possible with those violations. Anger & rage come to mind; maybe sometimes depression & helplessness.
I also "saw" that I was directly responsible this latest episode (it wasn't just something that "happened", you know?) in that for a series of days, maybe even weeks, I was ignoring signals from my boundary "monitors" that I needed to take some time out for my own needs - or ask to have those needs met. The "danger signal" went off - and I kept plodding on anyway, too numb/dumb to notice that something nuclear was about to ex/implode.
It starts out with little things... that go unnoticed. Instead of making what I want to make (and have gone to some trouble to plan) for dinner, I'll make what someone else wants. Instead of just spacing out in front of the TV because I'm tired & winding down, I'll agree to play cards with hubby & MIL. Instead of asking hubby if he'll take the dog out this time... I'll just get up and do it myself. This is a small, but still important boundary "dispute"... what I want or need vs. going along with everyone else: i.e., people pleasing at my own expense.
More important boundary disputes inevitably turn up later, if I just continue to ignore my own needs (and even some of those wants) as I go plodding along. The danger signal showed up in the form of a business project that appeared to need me to travel some thousand miles to complete "necessary" tasks in person without any possibility of completing those tasks remotely. Simultaneously, I was in the process of trying to complete some home projects in-between groups of family company coming to stay and visit. I enjoy hosting people, even when in the midst of trying to sort out all these boundary attitudes, feelings, and processes. And of course, in my mind - I'm the only one who can deal with hubby's stacks of paper, the dog/cat hair to be cleaned up, meal planning, etc. Another BIG boundary conlict: how could I stay here and fulfill my inner obligation to "over-responsibility" and be THERE to take care of what only I am truly responsible for????
As it turns out, the need to travel wasn't necessary. I spent days on the phone (while still checking things off the to-do list) trying to resolve the situation - only to find out that through a misunderstanding and miscommunication - there was no "situation" at all. And hubby volunteers (though I haven't seen him tackle this yet!) that he'll deal with his "stacks".
Timing is everything - a couple of weeks of low-level boundary disputes and falling into my own over-responsible boundary pattern; discovering the business travel situation the day before hearing of D's crisis - and only that there WAS a crisis; not WHAT kind and not being able to get in touch with her - or anyone she had talked to or asked for help.... eh voila - instant PTSD episode. But this time, my reaction/behavior was so different it's turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
As I floated around in my shutdown state I saw that the "control" of my fear, helplessness, irritation with others even... could all be traced back to this "over-responsibility", which is based on the old boundary issue created through parentification... my Nmom's intrusions into my Self to able to "wield" me like a tool or shield and never meet my needs... my conditioning to always adapt mySelf to her needs and consequently the needs of others (perceived as real - whether I really owned responsibility or not). SIGH - such is life being a child of a (at least suspected) BPD parent.
The control - where my switch is located - is in boundaries and my conditioned habit of doing way too much for others; assuming that I am the one that "has to" be responsible, in all situations. Which leaves my needs, my self-care - all hung out to dry; ignored; wanting... unnoticed; unrecognized. Realizing this - even if it was not in words initially - has changed something fundamental in me. Don't know what to call that yet. But it's been quite useful dealing with D and her crisis - and it's allowed me to define some boundaries and open a conversation with her about them and responsibility, too. Instead of just plodding on - ignoring my own needs - I'm a lot more clear about them. Paradoxically - I've observed that it's now easier for me really connect on a genuine level with people. Don't know why that should be... but hey, it's not a bad side-effect!
And neither was my shutdown time. I could just let my emotions be... and not think, let the non-verbal part of my brain do the processing... which is exactly what I needed to do to meet my needs at the time. Something sort of snapped in me, when the trigger was unavoidably pulled this time... sort of back into place. And it feels different, though I still can't find words for how it feels. It's definitely not a bad feeling... so maybe a good feeling of one kind or another.
Everything is OK; everything is all right. How 'bout that?
