Grandfather's funeral-sensitive content

[Worn]

My grandfather passed away on Thursday at the age of 92.  He had been ill for several years so his passing was a blessing.  I loved him very much and will always miss him though.  I am so glad he was a part of my life.  He and my grandmother would keep me for two weeks every summer and it was two weeks of visiting an oasis in the desert for me. 

Because of who will be attending his funeral I will not be attending.  My uncle who molested me when I was 5 will be there.  The cousin who raped my sister repeatedly from the time she was 9-11 will be there.  The cousin who is an ex youth pastor will be there.  He admits to taking one of his 'troubled' teenagers to a motel and asking them if they would have sex with him.  He claims he was just testing their willpower.  There has been no admission of guilt or any attempt at recompense from any of them. 

Needless to say, I don't feel comfortable being there with them there.  I plan to mourn my grandfather in my own way.  I will go down after the funeral is over and visit his gravesite. 

Nm called on Friday to ask if I would be riding down with them.  I told her I wouldn't be attending because there would be people there I wasn't comfortable being around.  She asked if it was my cousin.  (She doesn't know about my uncle, not sure if I ever want to tell her.)  I let her believe it was him.  She asked if he had ever molested me.  I said not that I know of.  I felt like adding, you gave him plenty of chances though didn't you.  I refrained.  She did though.  She sent me to stay with them just 4 years after she found out about what had happened with my sister.  Sent me to stay with them multiple times. 

I keep waiting for a phone call from Nm to beg or shame me into going with them.  I'm feeling alot of guilt about not going, but I can't imagine going.  I can't pretend like they want me to anymore.  Just feeling alot of anxiety surrounding this entire issue.  Thanks for listening, Worn

[JustKathy]

Hey Worn,

I'm really sorry for your loss. I lost my grandmother six years ago (she was also 92), and had to deal with a very similar situation. I stayed away, and lived with terrible guilt afterward. I felt like I had betrayed her. Fortunately, I had a good therapist at the time who helped me to realize that my grandmother would have wanted what was best for me. It's okay to mourn privately, in your own way. Funerals are for the living, not for the person who has passed, and in your case, the people who are still living will cause you extreme discomfort. It sounds like your grandparents always had your back (as mine did). Your grandfather loved you very much and would no doubt understand your decision to avoid an uncomfortable situation. You don't need to be at that funeral to show him that you cared. He knows.

Please do NOT feel guilty. Your uncle, your cousin, and your NM should be feeling guilty for the things they've done, but you've done nothing wrong. That's what Ns do to us. They mistreat us, and make US feel like we're at fault. Grieving a loved one is a very personal thing. Don't let them ruin it for you. You've made the right decision. I think that when you are able to visit your grandfather's gravesite, and be alone with him, that you'll find some inner peace. Take care of yourself and to heck with that entire dysfunctional lot.

Kathy

[bearwithme]

Worn,
Such sad news.  Please don't feel guilty.  I don't think that is what your grandfather would want you feel at this time.  This time is about you and him.  This time is about your love and respect for him and the memories you have of him.  This time is about the passing of someone of significance in YOUR life and the fact that you don't want to gather with "people" who share in those same feelings is a benign concern.  Let it rest.

I hope you can move on from this and not let your NM and all the other crap get in the way of your grandfather.  Your extended family members who did those horrible things shouldn't go for fear of seeing you, not the other way around, but that is your truth. 

Good luck and I'm terribly sorry for your loss.

Bear

[Hopalong]

Worn, you loved him while he lived (and he knew it). I'm sorry you've lost him.

Don't worry about the ceremony...make your own farewell ritual, with peace and love in your heart.

(I wouldn't go either, unless I was prepared to speak about the molestation.)

You have every right to not "play" when there has been no accountability.
That would be a false thing, to go and pretend.

"Good grief" is a clean, good feeling, when there was love. I'm glad you're not attending
a polluted funeral.

love,
Hops

[teartracks]

((((((((((((((Dear Worn))))))))))))))))

As you're able, bask in the wonderful memories you had with him and your grandmother.  I think he would understand your choice not to be at his funeral.

tt


 

[Gaining Strength]

Dear Worn - I feel anger that these people who have taken so much from you also now take from you the opportunity to mourn your beloved grandfather at his funeral.  You deserve better than that.  My heart aches for the pain that has been inflicted on you.

Perhaps when you visit the gravesite you can conduct your own funeral.  Take a couple of hymns and something prepared to read.  Your own service might bring you some peace.

Thank you for sharing this pain here.  I hope that you find solace in the knowledge of your grandfather's love.

[Worn]

Thank you everyone.  Your replies mean more to me than I can put into words. 

Today is his funeral.  I keep remembering more and more good memories of him and my grandmother.  My Nm's side of the family is a messed up bunch to say the least.  But my grandparents were a godsend for me.  My heart is full of their love.  I'll miss you Papa.  Rest in peace.  Worn

[Sealynx]

Worn,
So sorry for this loss. Funerals are for the living. Given the crappy family, I wouldn't be surprised if your grand dad's spirit chose to spend his funeral at home with you. If anyone should be attending this funeral it is probably the police! I'm sure there are more victims of these men than you know of. I'm so sorry you had to endure this. You might find some comfort in a book I just posted on the board, written by an abuse surivior.
Sea