Disengaging The One Good Gift from N's?

[Sealynx]

A friend pushed quite a few of my buttons last week and when I confronted her, her partner got involved and made some threatening email statements saying essentially that unless I saw things their way I shouldn't come over anymore. While none of these folks are true N's they do have traits. Since I was initially the aggrieved party and now it has all been turned around to be an enormous hurt to them...it is very familiar ground for me.

I wrote back that I was sorry they felt that way and would respect their request to not see me again. This was important because I had initially called my friend on a boundary violation and her response was that SHE was hurt that I would think that and "I'm sorry but I didn't do anything". Again...all very familiar territory. How many times have I been told I should feel guilty for standing my ground or expressing a feeling? The universe is wonderful playground, it gives you lots of situations to practice healing with!

The truth is that I could just flip a switch and no longer include them in my life. I grew up having to "give up" so often on things I wanted or valued that walking away from these two is a piece of cake. The only thing that would hold me to them is worrying about what "they" might feel or overvaluing my importance in this situation. Embracing either of those options would pretend that I was not the one harmed in the beginning.

Do all of us have this trait? Are we tempted to bury it because we are forced to shut down our infinite capacity to show empathy and compassion to everyone but ourselves? I would bet that most of us have the power to walk away from situations that don't work and flip that switch, we just habitually re-engage ourselves at another level that says its okay to deny self and needs.

[Meh]

Hum, that doesn't sound friendly to me. If they are telling you not to come over then they must be really pissy already about something.

It makes me wonder why so many friendships are fleeting and not very strong. I mean really how many people in life can a person have a real "heart to heart" freindship with. There are so many people who can't even bring themselves to work-through a situation. I mean if both people are willing to work though something then its pretty easy. If only one person is willing then that's not enough.

Personally, I've had so many lame-o experiences with people that I just drop them unceremoniously, if they do not hold up their end of the relationship. You know what?- they don't seem to care if they lose my friendship, usually they want something from me that I have, not friendship.  Humans are selfish in nature, just the way it is. At least that is my perspective.

 

[Sealynx]

MB,
 It had to do initially with an inappropriate request for my password on a music site that has a credit card attached. I refused the friend telling her that I didn't share passwords. She then allowed her partner to try and get it from me. I barely know the partner so this created a totally inappropriate and uncomfortable situation. Since the request involved something the partner was trying to do for my friend, I confronted the friend and told her that it was inappropriate for her not to have conveyed my refusal to her partner.

The friend tried to deny that she knew what the partner was doing, forgetting that she had mentioned several times that she was still trying to do the procedure and needed my password. Then partner tried to say she didn't know and that I had terribly hurt friend's feelings. So now its all about the poor friend who has been so wronged with zero attention being paid to my initial discussion with friend.  I have never known this woman to admit to being "wrong" and she frequently triangulates in this manner when she isn't given what she wants. I'm sure she is going to play the victim until hell freezes over. Let it freeze.

At present they all want to make-up. Their making up includes additional denials that they did anything wrong and further claims that I have hurt friend's feelings. The appropriateness or inappropriateness of the request is not mentioned of course.  If this all sounds like a typical N response to being told you are not honoring someones values, boundaries etc. it is. There is no winning this because no one will admit to the truth which only one of them knows...my friend.

I don't see these people as N's, but they do exhibit N traits which are unfortunately becoming more and more common in our society. Who needs friends who will do and say what they can get away with?

[Logy]

Agreed.  Disengaging.  We have worked through our family disfunction.  Learned to disengage from the people that hold ties closer to us than anyone.  Despite the times we falter, and have to go back and learn the lesson again, each time we emerge stronger.  It has indeed become easier for me to recognize the manipulation and stand up for myself, without regret.  I now recognize in co-workers and friends in hours what took me decades to recognize in my family.

I had a struggle tonight regarding someone who is a co-worker but who I considered for years to be my friend.  We have not been close for the last three years, mainly because I stopped being the co-friend for her narcissism.  We were at a company gathering, I was sitting at a table with others who I currently work with day to day.  She came in, focused on me (btw, she called me one week earlier to tell me about her upcoming divorce and I offered to listen next time we saw each other) and I asked her to join our table.  Then someone came by, said a few words to her and distracted her.  Afterwards, she walked away to join another table.  Ignoring my invitation and ignoring me the rest of the evening.  I came home wanting to email her and tell her that I made myself available to her, as a friend, and she walked away from me and WHY did you do that???  AH, disengaging!!!  Suddenly I realized that I do not want to engage her in my life anymore.  If I send this email, I will fall back into that pattern of trying to make someone "like" me.  And realized the question I need to ask myself is.........do I like her?  Does she treat me with the respect I would give someone?  When the answer is NO, why did I feel the need to engage her?

SO, I disengaged.  Rough lesson to learn initially.  Worth the effort in the end.

Logy

 

[Sealynx]

Yep Logy,
We don't need to explain or become engaged in email wars or long discussions. None of that works with N's anyway because they have no interest in fairness or coming to a equitable solution. They just want to guard their fragile egos from any confrontation and go immediately into "poor me-bad you" mode.
S

[Meh]

MB,
 It had to do initially with an inappropriate request for my password on a music site that has a credit card attached. I refused the friend telling her that I didn't share passwords. She then allowed her partner to try and get it from me. I barely know the partner so this created a totally inappropriate and uncomfortable situation. Since the request involved something the partner was trying to do for my friend, I confronted the friend and told her that it was inappropriate for her not to have conveyed my refusal to her partner.

Whoa, If you did give them the password that is connected with your credit card, then you may want to close out that account or change your password ASAP. Don't even think twice about it Sea, you are TOTALLY within your RIGHT to protect your passwords and credit card information from every single person. Period.

[Meh]

I had a struggle tonight regarding someone who is a co-worker but who I considered for years to be my friend...... 
Logy
 

Logy, I had a co-worker who would come to my desk every day and chit-chat while I was trying to work a ridiculous quota. I tried to politely and not-so politely tell her that I needed to work and not talk about her getting drunk and party-ing over the wk-end. But she still talked my ear off like it was expected of me to put up with it. Then when I left that job and I asked her if I could use her as a reference she did not respond to me at all. Not a single peep from her.

[Hopalong]

BravOOOOOOOOO Logy!

Suddenly I realized that I do not want to engage her in my life anymore.  If I send this email, I will fall back into that pattern of trying to make someone "like" me.  And realized the question I need to ask myself is.........do I like her?  Does she treat me with the respect I would give someone?  When the answer is NO, why did I feel the need to engage her?

SO, I disengaged.

I love it when the usual self-defeating reasoning pattern suddenly has a chandelier blast on and the habitual pattern is seen clearly for what it actually says and then it CHANGES!

Thanks for sharing this. Truly heartening and I "get" that moment.

Woo hoo!  Good for you.

Congratulations on experiencing self love.

Hops