great article on people pleasing

[Ales2]

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/200807/parent-pleasing-people-pleasing-part-1-3

I found this article very helpful on dealing with my need to please others.

[Logy]

Ales2,

A very good article.  Yep, I am a people-pleaser as well.  Though in the four years since I discovered N, I feel I have made some progress in this area.  When I learned WHERE it came from (NM and co-F) I could move away from it. 

When I began reading the article I felt frustration and anger.  Almost as if the "people-pleaser" was a bad person.  I wanted for this writer to acknowledge WHY people-pleasers exist.  I felt it took him a while but it was finally brought up in part 2.  I thought part 2 could have been developed more. 

BTW, recently saw a Facebook post from a friend about his job.  He said he may be laid off from his job but said "that will allow me to focus on my true profession - people pleasing".  I asked him "How do we get fired from that job?"  He said "Lots of therapy".

Logy

[Ales2]

Thanks for the post Logy! Your friend sounds funny! People pleasing is really relevant for me - so I make an issue to learn where I overcompensate and I'm trying to moderate that. I'm hoping for better friendships coming from learning where I seem to give away my power by allowing it. Its not a conscious act for me and its a slippery slope, its starts innocuously and leads me to a place I try to avoid.

[Sealynx]

This article starts out well but ends like all the others, with advice about being more assertive and looking for the motives behind your actions. The problem here is that I think most of us have figured out why we act the way we do and why our bodies feel a certain way. What we are missing and what he directs little discussion toward is reclaiming our real interests, talents and things that bring us joy.

Learning to be more assertive and avoiding people pleasing is relatively easy to do but after you do it you find yourself standing on the sidelines of life since your "friends" who expected you to please them and never challenge them have likely wandered off and taken their problems and expectations elsewhere. What you still don't have is that personal "to do" list that got lost when we were two or three years old. We are "all fixed up" but lacking anything to pull us toward joy. It is not enough just to have "free time" for ourselves. I find I spend a lot of time with the same hobbies I had as a child. I've added one new thing I like to do, but everyone I meet who does it is either an expert or someone who has very different goals.

We needed that part three to work on seeking joy rather than just avoiding avoiding people pleasing.

[Meh]

My mother is always telling me if only I was nicer all my problems would be solved. According to my mother every bad thing that happens in my life is a result of me not being nice enough. Even now, in my 30's, still, it's "be a nice girl". Oddly enough the people I see with homes and families, and careers etc. are often not very nice people at all. A person doesn't get all that "stuff" by being doormat.

[Sealynx]

Agreed Muffin,
The people I know with the most money are often the cheapest. I remember going to a party once at the home of a very well off Real Estate Broker and her Doctor partner. We were treated to off brand cola's and Walmart deli items!
S

[nolongeraslave]

My mother is always telling me if only I was nicer all my problems would be solved. According to my mother every bad thing that happens in my life is a result of me not being nice enough. Even now, in my 30's, still, it's "be a nice girl". Oddly enough the people I see with homes and families, and careers etc. are often not very nice people at all. A person doesn't get all that "stuff" by being doormat.

My mom is the same.  Everything is my fault. Someone threatened to rape me on a dating site (where I had to change my number), and her reaction is "Did you do something to make him mad?"Little does she know that sometimes being too nice is what causes these people to think they can treat us badly.

Or, the person was acting for a reason that wasn't related to us.

[Ales2]

Sealnyx,
Yes, yes, we need that part also - its not enough to stop people pleasing - we need to have joy in our life and our pursuits! You are so right!

Muffin - I think I've been brainwashed by my NM in the same way you have. Alot of what I think she says - "be nice, be kind, be polite, dont talk back"  is really just a means of them controlling us to behave a certain way, even when its not in our best interest, but of course, that is not what they are interested in.  And, yes, I feel much the same way, I feel very much like the people with homes and families are not nice most of the time....I'm a single renter and feel very much like I don't look out for my interests enough!

[Logy]

Everyone.  I belong at your pleasing party.   Muffin, I got similar comments.  If someone wasn't nice to me, it was because I didn't try hard enough.  "Don't talk back" just made me a doormat.  (And talking back meant disagreeing with ANYTHING anyone else said.)  It has affected my career advancement - I never voiced my opinions so was never perceived as a leader, even though I KNEW I had it in me! 

I have worked very hard over the last 5 years to learn how to not be nice.  It was really hard at first, because my definition of nice was different from what others defined it as.  Nice in my world was never disagreeing with anyone, doing whatever someone else wanted. 

What does the dictionary say about "nice"?  pleasing; agreeable; delightful: a nice visit.   Interesting to me.  As I read further, I learned the origin of the word nice:

Origin:
1250–1300; ME: foolish, stupid < OF: silly, simple

Huh.  I certainly felt foolish, stupid.  For being "nice" and losing my self-respect, integrity, and values.  Just so I could be "nice".