How long does it take to get over N?

[seastorm]

I have been noticing that I am taking a very long time to "get over'  my experience with my exN.  Two weeks ago I told a lot of the story to my psychiatrist and he said that my ex is a psychopath and not an N. I was surprised. But it is true. He said to look up antisocial personality disorder and it is true. The calculating, slanderous, gleeful at hurting others was all there. In some ways I am still living in the ruins of that relationship because he slandered me so seriously with the people I work with, and he left me with a hundred and twenty thousand dollars worth of debts. So I have to keep it all going or lose it all. My house everything. I kept going to work allthough the word was out that I was a crazywoman.  A couple of strategic people took his part and sided against me. I must admit I was a wreck at the time but still doing my job.

The help I got at the time was aweful in that no one really believed me and so it felt like more abuse. My sister helped me a lot. Even though our relationship is difficult at times, she read up on Narcissism and became a super advocate and support for me through dealing with the separation and all the rest. I still wake up in the morning and feel scared and like the world is not a safe place. Like a black hole and everyday I have to consciously take steps to keep going and to slowly make a life. I am bonded with ex and still feel deeply connected.  He is living with rich new woman in mansion on the beach. He is not working but he has convinced her he has heart problems or is going deaf or some such. So she no longer makes Leviathan efforts to get him employed. He is not sorry he hurt me. How odd that is. There is no feeling there at all. Less than for a bug.

I wish I could be angry about it all. Instead I am still lost, lonely, scared,.humiliated. I do keep going though. What I am saying is that the wounds are deep. I am not sure that I am going to get better. I feel pretty discouraged. I made a mistake and I called him. So I have a fresh version in my head of his voice being cold. He said that he did not cheat on me but that is a lie. Everything he said was a lie.. He is happy in his new house that is a heritage house with an affectionate Edwardian name. He wants to stay there until they carry him out in a box. He seems to fall in love with houses and treat his spouse like a 300$ junker that he drives till it packs it in. This probably sounds like whining but that is how I feel. I asked him if he was drinking and he said,"Oh she would never put up with that". As if she is this laudable woman that he would not do anything to offend.

Talking to him gave me that old feeling of being in a room with someone and getting the strong intuiton that the person is a creature from outer space who means to drain your blood.  That moment when you know you opened the door to the wrong stranger. This triggered me all over the place for two days and then i was back on track. Not happy, but not getting attacked or anything either.


Please help me.  I keep yo yo ing back and forth through all the stages of grief and I feel exhausted by it all.

Sea storm

[Ales2]

(((((((((((Sea))))))))))))

So sorry to hear about this. Lost, lonely, scared and humiliated is a really tough place to be. I"m going through something similar on a daily basis. Wish I had a magic wand for this ...

If you like your therapist, stick with it.
If your sister continues to be supportive, be thankful and stick with her too.
Is there someone who can help you rearrange the debt problem - a financial expert that might be able to give you practical advice to make the right moves? Someone to help with a payment plan to keep up or suggest consolidation? There must be lots of help out there right now b/c of the economy, use that to your advantage.
Its not a good time to change jobs and you sound vulnerable.  But is there something you can do at your current job (learn a new skill, make new contacts,) that might facilitate a change when you are more ready? Maybe someone to mentor you? Maybe join a professional organization where you can cultivate new relationships that can serve as a references in case your employment is not helpful? (I did this years ago - met a great friend/mentor/contact who serves as my reference)
You are not whining - you are entitled to feel anything you feel without any judgement. Just accept your feelings, make a note of them. Can you draw a correlation at all between feelings you have with underlying causes (passivity, need for acceptance etc.) that you can turn to action to increase your self respect, this helps build confidence and lead you out of misery. Maybe something to take up with the therapist.
Can you carve out time - 3x per week to have fun, watch tv, read a book, cultivate a friendship? New things that keep your brain occupied and unfocused on your problems?

I'd like to think that getting over an N would be easy when you've met as an adult, but what I am learning is that these patterns are ingrained and take longer to eradicate than we think, so hang in there and do your best to support yourself. I think when support yourself more, these problems and people tend to go away.

All the best to you Alesia

[lighter]

Seastorm:

I think yo yo'ing back and forth in grief is part of getting over it.

You do it till you're sick of the grief, sick of your N and sick of yourself being sick and exhausted.

That the world feels unsafe and hostile is/was more about feeling out of control and unable to affect surroundings, IMO.  The N's gone.... let him go.

I noticed you keep referring to all the sabotage you've made it through......

all the outrageouse betrayals and unfairness.

You KNOW what to do.

You're doing it.

You carry on.

Hops might say "Try to sit with the really tough feelings, and do nothing.... just listen to them."

What I hear her say is..... "Don't do anything while you're struggling with the really hard emotions."
  
Wait for better feelings before you act..... nothing, good nor bad, lasts forever and relief always comes.

Eventually, the bad feelings and grief are watered down by the present, and you learn how to keep yourself safe.

Or maybe you don't.  I honestly believe in researching appropriate boundaries and putting them in place.... defending them without the question of compromise rearing it's head.  That might help with feeling safe.

If I had to write a paragraph on this kind of healing, it would be this:

Know that this pain is normal and necessary.... that it leads to healing and wisdom if you can stand it.  With the really difficult feelings, journal journal journal, read it then write it all out again.  Distill it down to it's purest form...... clear and internalized beyond loss.    By small increments you'll feel less unsafe.  Less haunted and vulnerable.  At some point you'll be shocked to find you haven't thought about the pain in quite some time, and that's when you kinow you're getting over it.

There aren't any shortcuts.

Try not to fear the pain.... think of it as your instructor.

Accept that you were wounded unfairly, (I know it's a truly outrageous wounding, but that's the nature of the Nsociopath beast, nothing personal with them.  It's what they were doing when they met you, and what they'll be doing until they die.)  Then focus on internal and external boundaries to keep yourself safe in the future.

Maybe even  a good screaming wah wah fit in the shower will help, in the shorterm.  Some people can't let it all out like that, but I think it helps if one can.

::sending white light and strentth for the journey ahead::

Suddenly, I'm in the mood for a bon fire.

[Logy]

My first thought........what a horrible situation!  And that you are still reaching out to others, willing to tell your story and listen to the comments, is a testament to your strength. 

Getting over an N?  I am not sure you ever do.  You just learn life skills to deal with it at first.  You achieve a few moments when you get it.  Then you backslide and feel really bad about yourself.  Then someone says something to you, or you find a post on a website, or you read a line in a book......and then you feel some strength coming from somewhere deep inside you.  Where is that coming from?  It's not me.  It feels unnatural.  It must be wrong.   But then you notice someone else who has that same feeling.  They look happy.  They are experiencing something you have never experienced.  They are not fearful about relationships.  When they have an opinion, they voice it.  No fear.  Hmmmmmmm.  Is that possible?

If you are angry, by God, embrace that anger!!!!!  Don't deny it or ignore it.  I've heard that depression is anger denied.  Expressing the anger may take some ingenuity.  (I found that throwing shoes at my closet wall worked great!  The dents aren't nearly as noticable as if I had done it on the living room wall.)

Thinking of you tonight.    Logy

[Izzy_*now*]

Hello seastorm,

All good responses to your situation, and we all understand. I agree with CB that "Psychopaths are narcissists, for sure, but all narcissists are not psychopaths."

I recognized the 'N' as a psychopath, first, from my own gleanings, but it seemed too harsh (it wasn't) and then finally a therapist called him an N, and I understood the situation far better. I was already out, and I fully believe in No Contact! EVER! I believe in that, too, even for the people who are merely Toxic to you! I found most toxic people within my own family.

Hang in there, and one day he won't even be a memory to you.

Izzy

[Sealynx]

Hi Sea,
My condolences. I once worked with a sociopath and found myself quite alone as he did the same manipulation of office politics. You have some great advice here. The only thing I'd add is a lawsuit if you have been holding off on one and to do a "word painting". We are all artists in our lives and artists embellish. They make the eyes bluer, the nose less prominent, and can even make a soul shine through where their is none or paint the blackest demon that rightly belongs on an innocent face.

Short of hauling out a canvas, I've found it useful to make a "trait" list. I find it useful in demystifying what really went on and pointing out the specific lies I am telling myself that keep me going back for more.

List the traits that you initially ascribed to him in one column, your reason for doing so in the middle column and "the truth" in a third. Do this for every possible thing you can remember that attracted you to him. Look for patterns of self-denial and placing unwarranted trust. Keep the list and apply it to other problem people. Are you doing some things repeatedly? Did someone in your family of origin "get away" with the same behaviors. What is the best way to detect this in the future?

It might look like.

Fun Personality          He made me laugh      The jokes became cruel but I didn't call him on it.

[seastorm]

Hi and thanks to all who took time and care to reply. It helps during the dark times when they hit with such a whallop. Someone described grief as violent and like having your head in a dinosaurs mouth and the creature just throws you around like a doll. That is grief for me sometimes. These times are triggered by other things and they come less and less but can still render me like that doll.
I am so comforted by your words and by the fact that you spoke up. I know there are lots of people who look at these posts and cant find a way to reply but when I beg for help, even someone saying,"I  care" or "I know how that feels " really means something. The people here are so dear. And we share this bond of having been abused and emotionally raped.

Ales:  I am carving out a life. I belong to a singing group, an artist group, a bunch of volunteers on a steam train who dressup in period costume and get robbed by a gang on horse ( we sing too), I go to al anon, a buddhist group and it all helps. I have met new people and I CONNNECT. Connection really means healing for me. I am working at getting my vacation rental suite going. Lots of good choices

I will be back.... Off swimming with a friend.

Love,
Sea storm
"

[Hopalong]

good for you for swimming, Seastorm!

Probably what you're grieving is yourself.
You probably don't miss the cruel dishonest N, really.
You just miss the time with YOU that you lost?

I think you're doing amazingly well. A wave of grief doesn't mean anything other than you had a wave of grief.

No grades. You pass. It's okay to be where/who/how you are.

Change and healing is inevitable.

CB, some day if you want to tell the story, I would love to hear your psychopath tale, but it may be too painful to tell.

You are a doula of whole beings, and you started with yourself.

XXOO

Hops

[seastorm]

Logy,

Thanks for replying. I reach out occasionally... People are so apt to say just move on and leave it behind. I would if I could. I do whatever I think will pull me out of the strange and isolated, scarey place that I feel that I live in now. I do not want to go under and I have some resilience and faith left. This is a fairly new development. I was feeling hopeless for so long. This board helped me through a lot.

It is hard to get angry because there was so much revenge and it was terrifying. This is not so easy to do.

I believe self expression will keep me from imploding.  It probably heals as well.

Izzy,

You have been around the block and know very well that no contact is critical to recovery. I slipped.  Bad idea.

Hearing him helped me realize that my peace no longer resides with him. It is inside me.  I wanted him to be sorry. Well, THAT sure isnt going to happen.

[Izzy_*now*]

hi seastorm,

I cannot help but to get this off my chest... even though your sitution is not funny.

Whenever Ii see your post title I think of:

It's taking to long to get over you, so let's change sides of the bed! 

On the other hand

and I have some resilience and faith left

. seriously, that is VERY good, so stick with it and No Contact, walk on with your head held high, think positively about 'living well is the best revenge', and hold fast to your beliefs. Keeping your boundaries in force will make you feel much better, as I used to be an easy mark for the 'bully' on every corner, and standing up for myself, assertively, not aggressivley, has given rise to better self-esteem.

Good Luck
Izzy