Author Topic: Bad Dream  (Read 3984 times)

Dr. Richard Grossman

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Bad Dream
« on: August 18, 2010, 05:23:07 PM »
Daphne Merkin's article in the New York Times Magazine "My Life in Therapy"  (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/08/magazine/08Psychoanalysis-t.html?_r=2&pagewanted=1) (8/8/10) inspired this post.  (The original thread on this Board devoted to Daphne Merkin's piece can be found at http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=9595.0)  

My second and last therapist, was a pleasant, warm man some fifteen years older than I who came highly recommended.  The one reservation I had was the fact that he was a psychoanalyst—I was no longer a believer after years of doctoral and post-doctoral training in the theory and practice.  Still, the most qualified therapists of his age had gotten psychoanalytic training, so my options were limited.  When I saw him the first time, I made a point that the leather couch in his office made me uneasy and I told him, in brief, why.  That was ok with him, and he indicated that it shouldn’t stop us from working together.

Over the months that we worked together, I talked about my thoughts and feelings about psychoanalytic therapy somewhat reluctantly for fear that it would interfere with our relationship.  But it was something we both knew a lot about—and it was part of our professions so there was no avoiding it.  He told me he had edited a book on psychotherapy, and there was a chapter in it that I might particularly appreciate.  And of course, I told him I had just started a web site (hmmm, what would that be?) and done some writing myself.  He said he was not much of a web person, so I don’t think he ever got to the Voicelessness site.

Of course, I bought his book, and the chapter he wanted me to read (not written by him) was ok, but still too tied for my tastes to psychoanalytic theory—and after some self-deprecating joke about my critiquing ability, I went into specifics with him about the article.  Even so, I thought to myself:  does he really want to hear this? And:  is it ok that I tell him ?  But then I said to myself:  this is what I’m supposed to do in this office.  This is what therapy is about—the freedom to speak one’s mind.

Then I had the first of two dreams that I remember from the therapy:  my therapist and I were walking together on a central street near my house.  We hugged and then he left me to go into a restaurant.  When I looked up and read the name on the restaurant sign it said:  “Little League”.  The meaning of the dream was painfully obvious to me, and I was not sure whether I should tell him.  I wished for intimate contact so that I would feel less alone in the world—but then he went off by himself into the “Little League Restaurant” which to me was the psychoanalytic therapy world.  When I (reluctantly) told him the dream, to my surprise he was ok with it.

Perhaps he had a different, more benign interpretation of the dream, or perhaps he saw if as a projection of how I saw myself (as a little leaguer).  Anyway, his response gave me just enough courage to tell him the second dream which occurred a couple months later:

I was sitting in his office with his daughters, his wife, and himself in a circle.  There was nothing unusual or uncomfortable about the circumstance.  My eyes went first to his daughters who were sitting closest to me, then to his wife, then to him.  When I saw him, however, he had a woman’s hat on his head, and he was wearing shiny red/brown leather women’s high-heeled boots which went almost to his knees.

Before I had a chance to even offer an interpretation (or associations), he looked at me with fierce eyes and angrily snapped:  “You’re trying to ridicule me!”

I had no idea how to respond.  I knew what the dream meant (at least to me).  My wish was to be viewed as part of his family, at least as much as possible.  His role in this task, I largely viewed as feminine.

But what was interfering, in my mind, were the gaudy, self-important leather boots—which symbolized to me the psychoanalytic world and its practitioners.  Somehow, my sleeping brain had transformed the leather couch into leather boots.

I wasn’t trying to ridicule him.  I was trying to fit into his world, but something substantial (his psychoanalytic beliefs with which I disagreed) was getting in the way.

My first thought was to protest:  "But it was a dream!  A dream!  I didn’t choose to have it!"  

But the words wouldn't come out of my mouth.  Instead I made a vague apology--and we never talked about the dream again.  By rejecting the fundamental way he had of looking at human nature, in his eyes, I was rejecting him.  But in my view, I was trying to tell him that his psychoanalytic viewpoint got in the way of human contact with him. And it was that human contact and a resultant attachment that was going to make me feel less vulnerable and alone in the world.  My dreams laid the matter out simply and crudely.

I left therapy shortly thereafter, and I suspect he was not unhappy to see me go.  


« Last Edit: August 26, 2010, 02:43:10 PM by Dr. Richard Grossman »

Hopalong

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Re: Bad Dream
« Reply #1 on: August 18, 2010, 08:25:43 PM »
Wow, Doc G.

I'm sorry he couldn't hear it. He probably is carrying not only the freight of his endangered-species view of the mind, but also the freight of Western masculinity.

In Afghanistan, he'd have been mugged for those boots. (I once met a lovely man--Scottish merchant marine, turned out--in a park in London to whom I'd sidled up because I was riveted by his incredibly colorful, knee-high boots he'd gotten there.)

I also like the theory a professor told me once, that every single element in one's dream is an aspect of oneself. The couch, him, you, the family members, the hat, the boots...all bits of, or resembling some bit of, you. Owned or disowned, fully realized or not...every "scene and prop" from our own selves, just hitching a ride on some more conscious narrative.

Thank you for sharing this.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Sela

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Re: Bad Dream
« Reply #2 on: August 18, 2010, 09:44:37 PM »
You summed it up precisely Dr. G:

Quote
what therapy is about—the freedom to speak one’s mind.

His reaction was unprofessional and dismissive.  No wonder you left.   Your purpose for being there.....your wish to speak your mind.....was stymied.

All because he took personally what he should have known (what any reasonable professional would have known) was totally out of your control (a dream).  Sorry you had to go through that.  He could have corrected his error but that would have meant acknowledging it.  Sounds like he needed a bit of his own  psychoanalyst therapy.  :roll:

Sela

« Last Edit: August 18, 2010, 09:47:44 PM by Sela »

Gaining Strength

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Re: Bad Dream
« Reply #3 on: August 19, 2010, 10:13:52 AM »
The juxtaposition between your perspective and your analyst's reaction is fascinating and echoes towards something all too familiar to me.

An opportunity for connection is not only rejected but taken as an offense. But more significantly the offering was made to someone in authority who could be expected to have a broader view, insight, compassion and yet whose limitations not only were revealed not only to you but perhaps most glaringly to himsel. His cover was blown and his shortcomings publicly revealed, much like the dreams in which one finds himself in public without clothes. An innocent, childlike revelation of your dream by you essentially revealed that the wizard was not a magical, all knowing being but merely a small man hiding behind smoke and mirrors and he was angry and humiliated to be exposed, unable to see that he was being offered an opportunity for intimacy and relationship - the greatest offering a human can receive or give.  What a tragic story! What a loss and missed opportunity.


Baddaughter

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Re: Bad Dream
« Reply #4 on: August 21, 2010, 12:41:55 PM »
 At first, I thought "you are rediculing me" was part of the dream too -- and there was going to be a more amicable conclusion... I am so glad I happened to be here when you shared that story!  He gets a Biddy "Humph!"

Dr. Richard Grossman

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Re: Bad Dream
« Reply #5 on: August 23, 2010, 06:09:52 PM »
Thank you  Hops, Sela, GS, and Biddy for your comments.  I appreciated them.  While I think the point of the story is important, it was a hard story to tell because I liked my therapist as a person.  I also think it is very hard to consider oneself at the pinnacle of a profession as the analysts did and then a decade or two later be dismissed by the same profession.  It reminds me of Death of a Salesman   I certainly understand why I would get such a reaction.  But, of course, if I didn’t report the dream to my therapist, I would have rendered myself voiceless, and ended up taking care of him…

Richard

Guest

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Re: Bad Dream
« Reply #6 on: August 25, 2010, 05:36:45 PM »
Dreams about therapists:
the last dream I had about my therapist (ages ago) was pretty relaxed. He and his wife invited me (and my partner) to stay at their country hotel/home way out in the sticks. It was winter and cold, the hotel (a small one, including a therapy office), was low-level, welcoming and cosy. It had a small restaurant and bar where the locals hung out. We stayed in a room at the other end of the hotel from the therapist and his family, with views across flat fields leading to mountains. The family got on with the business of running their hotel and T business. We hung around as guests and then helped in the bar area. All very relaxed and about as likely as the moon being made of cheese! Dreams eh.

Lollie

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Re: Bad Dream
« Reply #7 on: August 25, 2010, 11:52:27 PM »
Guest, that's a nice dream. I want one like that.   :?

Doc G, you said in the other thread that it was a funny story, but I thought it was sad. It could have been a true opportunity to move foward, instead his issues got in the way. I think that really sucks.

Your dream reminded me of one I had about my first therapist. He was very strict CBT, so he really didn't "do" dreams and seemed a bit annoyed when I was having so many of them. Here's how it went down.

Me: I had a dream about you this week.
CBT Man: Ok. Do you want to tell me about it?
Me: You sure?
CBT Man: Sure. Go on.
Me: Well, I had this dream that there were all these rolls of toilet paper on the ground. So what I did was I picked them up. Then I started throwing them at you and you kept trying to duck out of the way. And then you picked them up and started throwing them back at me.
CBT Man: And what do you think this dream means?
Me: I think it means I think you're full of sh*t, and that you think I'm full of sh*t, too.
<CBT man sits back and thinks for a few seconds.>
CBT Man: Well...ok. So, um, how many rolls hit me?
Me: What?
CBT Man: How many times did you hit me with the toilet paper?
Me: I don't know. I wasn't counting. I was throwing.
CBT Man: And how many rolls hit you?
Me: I don't know. I wasn't counting. Does it matter?
CBT Man: I'm just trying to ascertain who, according to your dream, had the better aim. If you hit me with, say, two rolls and I dodged the rest, but I hit you with three rolls...well, then we'd know who was more full of sh*t.

It probably comes as no surprise that I terminated a few months later. When toilet paper speaks, I listen.
"Enjoy every sandwich." -- Warren Zevon

Dr. Richard Grossman

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Re: Bad Dream
« Reply #8 on: August 26, 2010, 08:40:30 AM »
Hi Guest,  I’m with Lollie—I want that one, too!

Hi Lollie,

For me the funny parts of my story (in retrospect), and the funny part of your dream is the output of the uncensored (or lightly censored) brain.  The shiny leather woman’s boots on a male therapist, the “Little League Restaurant”, and your throwing the rolls of toilet paper at your therapist (!) all could be made into New Yorker-like cartoons.  But you’re right, the underlying issue is sad---and prevalent.  Therapist theories so often get in the way of making a two-way connection/attachment.  And when these theories are challenged, the theories are more likely to survive than the therapy.  How nice it would have been if your therapist could have said:  “Obviously, CBT is not what you are looking for—let’s spend the session talking about what you need, and whether I can provide it.  If not, perhaps I can think of a better match for you.”  His response (counting???) exposed an inability to empathize/get it—no wonder he was “strictly CBT”.
 
It probably comes as no surprise that I terminated a few months later. When toilet paper speaks, I listen.

Very funny!  I’m glad you left.

Richard
« Last Edit: August 26, 2010, 02:44:30 PM by Dr. Richard Grossman »

CB123

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Re: Bad Dream
« Reply #9 on: August 26, 2010, 11:35:41 AM »
Wow Lollie.  How helpful was that????

To me the saddest part about your story is that the help you needed was lost in the "philosophy" that the psychiatrist was practicing--and his suspiciousness about other philosophies of practice.  I have gotten so much out of dream work AND out of CBT and I would hate to have to choose between them.  Both gave me tools for digging out of where I was stuck. 

I have seen this kind of warring philosophies in religious groups, business groups, teachers, doctors...it seems ubiquitous.  Perhaps because we identify with our philosophy and for someone to do it differently is a slam against us?  I dont know...but, as in your case, this warring dilutes the impact that could be had in someone's life for good.

So sorry.

CB
When they are older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way -- and it surely has not -- she adjusted her sails.  Elizabeth Edwards 2010

Guest

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Re: Bad Dream
« Reply #10 on: August 26, 2010, 01:49:09 PM »
Lollie, Richard
that dream was odd, only the second one I've had on this topic, and I imagine it was a kind of wish-fulfillment - wanting to be 'accepted' by the family, but as an equal individual with a 'life'! I did find it curious at the time.

Hopalong

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Re: Bad Dream
« Reply #11 on: August 26, 2010, 10:07:00 PM »
All I've ever really retained about therapists were which ones had kind eyes and seemed to care. The cold fish I always felt sad for. Got to know one pretty well (too much actually, we had a boundary dance) and learned he'd had a brutal childhood with a severely schizotypal mother, incest with mother, and he became alcoholic (I believe). Yet for a while, he did me a world of good. He was the clinical hynotherapist and that was amazingly helpful for me.

I remember a FEW smart observations (more these days, as my anxiety-PTSD has receded and I'm more able to listen)...but looking back, the overall positive memories were of therapists who seemed to be listening from their hearts. Willing for me to be present, take up space and oxygen. And I am sure, annoyingly, talk and talk and talk for years.

Sometimes I thought I was just renting a friend. The world's most patient one.

Smart theories are a dime a dozen, but smart minds coupled with responsive hearts (even subtly so) are gems.

Like Richard's.

I also like therapists with a sense of humor. I find myself trying to crack them up and feel happy when I do. My current counselor has a kind face, alert expression, and laughs readily. Found out he's Quaker (or was raised Quaker) and that increased my comfort level a lot too. He's a dear. And he's suffered with his own daughter's troubles (described them briefly but they're serious) so there's a sense of understanding.

At first, he would blurt "fix it" advice but after a while, we settled into a calmer kind of session. I've cried readily with him, which is unusual for me, and a sign of the safety I feel.

I even can easily anticipate being finished ... I have a clear sense that once it's over with my brother and I am moved, I'll be ready for closure. But in the meantime, whether he's just kind company sometimes, or an active advisor...I am always, always grateful.

Last time I went in feeling some energy. Asked him why he put up with all this talk and kidded him, "Mommeeee! Dadddyyyy!" I do like making him laugh. But by the end of the hour I had accessed some deep grief and self doubt and was able to just weep in a cleansing way...his demeanor is flexible and responsive and he just emitted compassion.

I'm lucky.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."