Absolutely, phoenix. That's the point I was trying to make.
Guest with a name - I'd like to respond to your post - no conflict intended but I think I have a different viewpoint. I appreciate you having been candid.
So do you propose we all start speaking our minds as we read posts that enrage us?
I don't think I have a solution in mind - just trying to define the problem.
The behavior that seperates adults from children and immature adults is the the ability to keep it shut when it is not in anyone's best interest to enrage others.
I'm not sure that these definitions are accurate. It's the frightened child (hugs) who 'keeps it shut when it's not in anyone's best interest to enrage others'. You're hiding under the bedclothes hoping it will all go away.
This board is public so when a poster takes bullyish jabs at individuals, they are exposing everyone to their bullying, whether they want to admit it or not.
True...and so we are all experiencing being bullied and what it's like to bully. Is that what you mean?
Those of us watching from the sidelines feel like we are out on the playground watching a fight and the teacher will not break it up.
Why are you waiting for an authority figure to break it up? Where are YOU in all this? Where is the victim?? Does anybody care about the victim?
Those fighting are destroying our recess, .
Now you're referring to the victim as someone who is fighting. You are blaming the victim for fighting??? The bullying is an irritation, spoiling your FUN? No, you don't mean that. But it's a nuisance, not your business, 'not in my backyard'. Yup, I've got a little bit of outrage stirring in my stomach here.
and we are powerless against them
No, you're not!! Why do you think you are powerless?
We are adults and should not be acting like this. This board is a good place to learn appropriate responses.
Yes, so...what are appropriate responses?? What is an effective response which will help support the victim, help the victim find new empowering behaviours, stop the bullying? If you feel that you are a victim of the bullying just by 'viewing' it - what will be empowering for YOU, too.
We can all start behaving as some of these threads look and we will be able to blow off steam and practice our non cyber responses to Ns in our lives but I think this will only do more damage.
I feel there's an important issue in what you say here which may help me understand better where you are coming from on this issue. Are you suggesting that the bullying is the solution or the problem? Is the N in your life a bully? I'll assume so. And you see people being bullied here. But the solution you see is to take the bullying and do that to the Ns in our lives in order to subdue them. Is that what you see in these 'fights'?
You see, I'm experiencing some confusion here about 'who's the bully'. And I can't quite get my head around it. You seem to identify more with the bully than the bullied. Is that what it is?? I'm not suggesting that you are a bully or an N - just that there seems to be some confusion.
Victims, survivors, what ever one wants to call themself
,
I see that confusion continued in that statement - 'whatever one wants to call THEMSELF'. Isn't it 'us'. Isn't it 'ourselves'??? I AM the victim. YOU ARE the victim, nameless guest. WE ARE the victims of these Ns and bullies.
have already suffered so much pain from behavior like is demonstrated here that most will tend to back off for fear of being hurt.
Yes. Back off = Hiding under the bedclothes. And isn't that which gives the bully their power?? We are afraid of being hurt. Hurt in what way? I'm afraid of not being able to cope. I'm afriad of being too afraid to speak. I'm afraid that I'll lose my voice - again. I'm afraid of being silenced. I'm afraid of the pain in my stomach. Gut-wrenching fear. I am afraid of being driven away. All because of fear. Am i afraid of the bullies. Or am I afraid of my own rage??? Am I afraid that I'll have to become a bully to beat a bully and that's what the bullies REALLY want??? I'm in hiding so they can't bully me into becoming a bully. Actually I want to beat teh shit out of the bullies. But I can't because then I'd be a bully. But I'm too proud to be a victim. No win, no escape, anger turned inwards. And we all know where that takes us... There HAS to be a third way...
But the posts that are hurtful just for the sake of being hurtful are damaging and should not be allowed. It is easy to pick those out from the rest.
I'm not entirely sure it's that easy to see. the victim may not be able to see. I'm not sure that the people watching can always tell the difference and it's possible that what I, as a victim, see as bullying, the bully may not see that way at all and may regard themselves as a victim. I'm not arguing for arguing's sake. I believe that to be true.
I guess what I am trying to say is use the golden rule - do unto others...
That's a rule I learned a long time ago is actually disrespectful to our differences. I'm not being glib.
See, the reason I wrote that last sentence is because I am so trained to be taken the wrong way.
I understand - but it's also respectful to others to ensure that your meaning is clear. There's no harm in that. In fact, it's a good idea. I'm glad that you clarified your meaning in that sentence. Thank you. It helped me understand you.
Perhaps we get so used to being taken the wrong way (by paranoid parents?) that we gave up even trying to be understood - ???
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, nameless guest. I'll be pleased to make your named acquaintance one day.
