Surviving

[sfalken]

It's another day. I drove in to work with it on my mind. When I logged into my computer at my desk I was trying to think about work, but it came back. When I walked down to get some food, it was on my mind. When I drove home, the song I heard on the radio reminded me of it, and them. This is every day. I'm going crazy.

I just dont know how to get past this. Yes, my parents are (IMO) both N pattern. Mother is the victim N, father is the grandiose N. Mix that with a history of mental health issues in her family and a history of paranoia, black and white thinking, and alcoholism in his family, and you get what they are together. An impossible mess.  It's a real shame, and a difficult realization as an adult for me to swallow. Harder than I imagined.

Since my father wrote his painfully hurtful letter to me back in August (earlier post) which ended our relationship, I have been trying to recover. My mother has finally fallen into silence and is no longer trying to send wicked little texts to me when he isnt looking. Though I know it is better to be w/o the toxic family, I find that I am not (and maybe no one is) wired to accept not having the only biological family I ever knew. Strange eh? When I lived in the illusion of things being 'ok' it seemed to be easier, for a large portion of the time.

I dont know. I'm doing what I can - but it is very difficult to get up each day and face this. I often have difficulty sleeping and when I do, I am having dreams with my parents woven into them.

There is the logical side of me that knows that they are demonizing me and my wife to everyone they can, and themselves, at this point, and that it is better that they are out of my life and the life of my wife and children. (mostly, where my kids are concerned - they still have some access to them via my ex). There is also the side of me that yearns to have some kind of family, and to know that there isnt this ugly force out there against me and my wife. The side of me that doesn't want it to end this way - or to find myself standing in front of their headstones one day saying all of the things they cant understand in life.

Having no contact is better in many ways, but it is certainly not a path without difficulty.

[river]

Hi,
I can relate to the internally clinging thoughts.  I understand the exhasperating sadness and loss.

Something that concerned me reading this is that you talk about having no family, but you do have your own family.   whilst your energy is involved with the pre-occupation with the trauma of the fam. of origin, they are taking your attention away from those who really need it and deserve it.
However, to be available to your real present famliy, it seems you need some recovery too to help work through all that has happened to you, and to free yourself of its grip. 

the horror is that if one is not free, we end up one way or another perpetuating the problem on our children who we love ~ I know this, because I have done this, I was ignorant at the time.

I hope you find what you need to be free, and to be there for your present family. 

[BonesMS]

Woke up this morning feeling and thinking the same way before I logged on.

It's not easy letting go of the dream that, someday, they will accept you and love you as the love-able human being that you are.  Unfortunately, they are in the realm of batterers/abusers.  They may not leave bruises; they may not leave broken bones; they may not leave you physically bloodied but the end result is the same...leaving you in a world of pain that you never deserved.  At that point, the only option is to walk away from the batterers and look to those who you know REALLY love and accept you.

I'm not sure if I'm making much sense this early in the morning or if I'm simply just babbling.

Bones

[sKePTiKal]

Hi SF...

let me sigh right along with you... about the difficulty... about figuring out what recovery consists of - and what the costs (and benefits) are. Putting some real space between you and your FOO usually doesn't trigger some automatic recovery process, but it does help with the intellectual perspective: you're generally not so intensely emotionally upset and so your brain can work better. This has to happen - but the real work is emotional...

processing the details - feeling your feelings (not just reactions; not just what you were told to feel) - understanding - accepting - letting go (of a lot of things); grieving for the things you are hard-wired to wish you had.

It's OK to get some help healing; you know how there are places on your back that you can't reach and you really need someone else to scratch it or massage it for you? That's what a therapist can help with - there are places and feelings and past history that we just need a hand sorting out, thinking about, and feeling our feelings about. I used to think there was something seriously wrong with me; unfixable even... if I was being referred to a therapist. Usually, I was tough enough to take anything and get back up again and keep going. I was smart enough to figure things out, too. I wasn't going to admit that emotional experience scared the living crap out of me... and for 40 years after moving away from my mom, I was always able to dance away and around having to deal with it. Except that I was miserable anyway - it was like attached to me, like some dog that's had it's teeth clamped to my foot - and the "problem" I had to look at and solve was in one of those places I couldn't reach or see or deal with, by myself; I needed someone to help. Of course, it wasn't fair to make "me" such a big project for my spouse, kids... you know?

It's like de-bugging a computer script - even though you know your own life story, there are typos in the code - in random places. And of course, you've looked at it so long it's really hard to see it with fresh eyes - unless you let fresh eyes look at it and ask if you meant to put a bracket there, or suggest ways to simplify the syntax or add another "If [X], then [fill in the blank] which creates a new function.

No shame or weakness or dishonor in needing someone to rub that spot you can't reach or to look at your "code" and see if you've got something that needs to be tweaked, adjusted, tuned up. Until you find what works for you to do that... and I think there are ways other than therapy, for some people... well, the damn "dog" won't let go of your foot.

[Sela]

Hi SF,

And time.  The old saying "time heals"  has great truth in it.  It does take time.  These things take time.  Lots of it.

Time to process.  Time to try to make sense of it.  Time to mourn and go through all the stages of grief because it's a huge...large...big loss.

And huge, big, large losses take a long time to heal from, so it's said.

So I guess the other big ingredient is patience.

Be patient with yourself and with your pain.

What Bones said really nails it, imo:

"......the end result is the same...leaving you in a world of pain that you never deserved."

The unfairness of it all, is another great part of it too, it seems.  It's one thing to get hit accidently by a bus and another to be mugged by a complete stranger.

In this case, it's like being mugged by your mother and then hit intentionally by a bus driven by your father.

Insanely unfair and immensely painful.

Still, it's a good thing to tell yourself you can and will recover from this.  Seek whatever help you need and give it time..... eh?

Hope this helps and if not..... please discard.

Sela
 

[Hopalong]

I think you've moved forward, SFalken...

you're arguing less with what is real.

You are grieving. That is good.

Yes, you probably will have that talk with their headstones.

Meanwhile, I hope you'll start intentionally creating a new PHamily.

Biofamily is only that. For some, with all the cultural and sentimental forces that keep any biofamily thing going, unconsciously and forever...it does wind up worth it.

For others, like you, and like me--it is necessary to boldly redefine it. To attack the notion that blood and biology mean more than what our own healing minds and recovering spirits really know.

If people are unloving or malicious or unkind, it doesn't matter if it's your conjoined twin--that person is not PHamily.

I'm glad to have read this. It is unstuck.

Keep grieving. This is a very hard chapter of acceptance and release for you. Very hard.

But it is a chapter, not the book.

Hops

[BonesMS]

Sela wrote:

"In this case, it's like being mugged by your mother and then hit intentionally by a bus driven by your father."

To which I add:  "while your NWomb-Donor INTENTIONALLY THROWS YOU UNDER THE BUS DRIVEN BY YOUR N/Co-NSperm-Donor".

Bones

[sfalken]

I learned today that they both (NM + CoF/ND) attended a function at my two older children's school - along WITH their 'replacement' children & grandchildren, (who have taken my family's place, and are now giving them strength). That is, the people who took my place, and my wife and children's, were with them for the evening during that event.

My Parents 'miraculously' also just happened to show up at the same place as my two older children about a month ago, during the 'Peach Festival' in a nearby town, that my ex wrote on FB she would be attending beforehand.

It is as if they are flexing their muscles. Proving that they can still do as they please, and violate boundaries as they wish. They would never normally come to the children's school, or the nearby town. As long as my mother is with her smart alec friend, (who has also written me smart messages regarding my parents, in their favor) she feels strong, as does my father. They are pushing the limits and showing up to events outside of their realm, - in our realm.  They were asking others there if there is a church 'small group' in the area they can get involved with. 65 miles from their house. Yeah right. Snakes. The same people who wrote to me and told me that I was the blame of all problems. Christians. Hypocrites.

Frankly I'm terrified, if I'm honest. There is a Christmas program, as well as a band program that my two older children will take part in in early December, and I am sure they will continue the trend, and show up, with their 'replacement' friends and fake grandchildren in tow. They are watching the school website. Their replacement friends are actually longtime former friends of mine, who - the wife feels mistakenly close enough to me to make foul comments when she pleases.

I am afraid, of both, the situation where they say something, sit nearby us, AND the situation where they ignore me like I am dead and avoid us, which is more likely. I am afraid of their friend making comments. I'm already playing out all of the seating possibilities in my head.

If I would not have children involved in these programs, I would not put myself in the position to be in a room with them. Ever.

Frankly, I also dont want them to get a glimpse of my youngest, who they have no access to normally. My wife says we should bring her though, to let them see what beauty they threw away, but, I personally think it is giving them too much to assume that they can discern beauty. They only look for reflections of themselves.

Yes, I know, I am dad, and I need to occupy the territory, and be dad for my kids, but I am also dad with recently severed relationship with my emotional terrorist N parents, who is afraid of them making a scene, or acting like I or we do not exist. I still feel destroyed by my father's letter to me, and they are flexing their muscles and I just dont know what to do.

If they show up, so many emotions would come up in me. I just fall apart. There you go. It's true. 37 years of training at work.

So, I am seeking advice over the Christmas programs. How do you handle this situation? I was thinking of telling my kids that for their benefit, I would come to the program, (get there a bit late so that I and my wife can manage the seating arrangement at our discretion) but leave before the social cookies and cake event afterward, so that no one can make a scene.

I guess I am also wondering, what happens to NM & CoF/ND, when you go no contact, and they no longer have anywhere to displace their anger or get their supply? Will they direct it at these other people they are obsessed with now, or is that reserved JUST for me? I would so like to watch them do the same to others, but I don't believe they will. They raised me for their abuse, an they know that others are not made for it like I was.

[Hopalong]

Hi Sfalken,

Do you mind if I ask a fairly direct question?

Have you decided to see a counselor, to get support for this issue in your and your family's life?

Do you have a therapist?

You owe no answer...but it is a question that keeps coming up for me when I think about you.

hang in,

Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Hi there! Sorry I'm late answering your question. I can hear how tortured you are, over this. That only makes you a normal person, let me reassure you - emotional programming notwithstanding. There are some things you can do, to help yourself and most importantly for your kiddos. (That said - I second Hops' question and hope that you're seeking 3rd party feedback and help to learn even better ways, that I can suggest, to manage the situation, your feelings and learn some "difficult people" skills.)

So, on to the suggestions:

1. Do not allow yourself to wonder, fret, or otherwise be concerned by the actions of your parents, in enlisting others and brainwashing those people, to think you are some at-fault, ingrate son. It's none of the other people's business, is it? They don't know the whole truth anyway, and their opinion doesn't "count". Furthermore: no action you can take, no revelation or enlightenment on your part is able to adjust the frequency/character/static of your parent's feelings, actions or treatment of you. Sometimes, it helps to resort to strange "tricks" on ourselves to get through the kind of highly unpredictable scenario you're worrying about. (Remember, it IS in the future so you really don't know how you'll feel or what will happen then... it might turn out completely differently than you fear it will.) Difficult as it sounds, it might be possible - if you're feeling very uncomfortable in that situation when it actually happens - to imagine a force field around yourself that either makes you invisible to the parents... or makes them invisible to you. Inside the force field... you consciously breathe very slowly, take very careful notice of all the other "reality" and people around you... and walk yourself through basic body relaxation exercises. And make sure you are paying attention to your kids' performance - that's why you're there!! This isn't some showdown at the OK corral, you know?

I have one more comment on this suggestion. Part of the reason you're feeling so freaked out, I think (correct me if I'm wrong), is that you are directing all your attention to the parents and what they are doing - and what they MIGHT do. As long as you allow them to dominate your thoughts... they are in control of you. That's not what you want and it's counterproductive to being able to live your life and feel comfortable in it - no matter how insane the parents are. You need to focus on you, finding a way to soothe yourself and generate some confidence in your ability to "get through" any interaction the parents try to force upon you. With civility and self-respect. So that your kiddos can be proud of the way you handle yourself. You're demonstrating to the world - and those important people in it - that you aren't like the parents. Got it? No more imaginary conversations, confrontations, embarassing possibilities in your head. Your goal is simply to be on your best behavior - forget aggression, hostility, revenge. That all by itself, will lower the worry and anxiety levels. Remember to breathe.......... and be engaged in YOUR life - theirs is irrelevant to you, until you are ready to deal with it piece by piece - hopefully with a good therapist and from the perspective of what you can do to heal ('coz there's zip, zilch, nada you can do about them).

2. The kiddos are way more important than your parents and what's going on between you and them. Way more important. They are "little people" and are smart about and insightful about "what's going on". Don't ever pretend to them, if they mention it, that everything's just fine - that'll insult them. They are also not "pawns" in some kind of strategic game; nor are they the "treasure" to be won or lost. They are PEOPLE with their own intuitions, feelings, and thoughts/opinions. I don't know their ages, but don't underestimate even the youngest one's ability to figure out what's going on. Be very, very careful of the kiddos right now. You want to prevent them from feeling that they are responsible for the bru-ha-ha... or that somehow it's their fault, or there's something they could - "should" - do to make the situation comfortable. I can tell you that even 4-5 yr olds will be able to detect and feel and be affected by tension, anger, fear in situations. You can refuse to take the bait and prep yourself to relax and be civil - which will lower the tension levels floating around the kids. Do not make them responsible for choosing sides. Do not make them responsible for choosing sides. Do not... well, OK... I said that, already. Don't even mention it.

Your controlled behavior, and calm, civil, rational demeanor is what the kiddos need going into, during, and after a situation like you're afraid MIGHT happen. If you can focus on that and give it some thought and energy... feed it until you actually FEEL that way... I believe that you'll be absolutely fine, even if they do show up and attempt to interact with you or the kiddos. Better to let the kiddos make up their own minds about Grandma & Grandpa - than to encourage them to agree with your feelings about them.

One other thing I do, if I start worrying about something like this way in advance of the potential situation... is that I will allow myself 15 minutes prior to event, whatever... to think about it, make plans for extracting myself, and breathe myself calm... and since I've made this "appointment" with myself - it doesn't have to occupy my every waking (or dreaming) thought between now and then.

Which comes from my own experience in similar situations... as one of the kiddos; later as a parent. I hope this helps. Maybe someone else has some better ideas - I had to invent my own survival strategies, and they're not without "side effects" or flaws.

[Hopalong]

therapist

meditation class (then doing it, 20 min./day)

Sfalken...if you want things to actually change...I believe these are the things that can change it.

I wish I had more to offer but without that effort in place, I feel I'd be offering 2-D bandaids for a 3-D gaping wound that is disabling you (and your family). I don't think you can cure your anxiety or your obsession about your parents, and thus be a sound parent yourself, unless you intentionally engage in a personal healing process with trusted 3-D others (keeping the focus on your own thinking, behavior and speech, and off your parents'--though you'd at first have to explain the story, of course).

best,
Hops

[lighter]

Sfalken:

I agree with Pheonix:

Worrying about what your parents might do is a waste of your energy and time.

You have a life to live, and your parents dominate it with these thoughts.

Don't let them have that power.

Worrying about what might happen usually means you're worrying about things that won't happen......

step back and breath when you find your mind racing about your parents and fears associated with them. 

Put one hand over your bellly button and one on your chest.

Breath and make the hand over your bb move up and down.  Not the hand on your chest.

Concentrate on that.

It's impossible for anxiety to mount when we're breathing correctly.

Now, if you pencil in 15 minutes to worry about a meeting, like Pheonix does......

try to rise above, emotionally, and picture yourself dealing with your parents.

Worse case scenario, the world won't explode.

You won't self destruct.

You'll view them from above and remember that they're broken.

They can't do any better.

If they could, they would.

They can't.


You, on the other hand, can do better, and you will.

You're teaching your children through your actions.

If you want them to model calm empathy, then that's the response you choose.

Also, remember the kids won't be small forever.

They'll be able to figure these things out and protect themselves soon enough.

Lighter

[BonesMS]

Don't let the Narcissistic Womb-Donor and Narcissistic Sperm-Donor live in your head rent-free!!!!  Since you can't charge them rent, EVICT 'em!

Bones