Thank you all so much for your prayers and thoughts. I've been at the hospital around the clock this week. This is so, so hard. He is very critical and I'm doing my best to hold on. I know I shouldn't be by now, but I am always surprised by the fact that Narcissism is everpresent. Even in this very serious crisis, my N sis wielded her ugliness. She tried to keep my from holding my dad's hand or rearranging the blanket on him. She is completely narcissistic and selfish. This situation has truly exacerbated it. I had been pretty lucky in not having to see her for the most part over the last 10 years and my brother hadn't seen her in 14. But it is all I can do to hold it together. My brother is coping with it by only coming to visit my dad when she's not there or literally ignoring her presence when he must be in the same room with her. I suppose I will have to do that as well...although I would like to be around my dad 24/7 to talk to doctors, etc. But it is so clear that my brother and I are marginalized, have no role or no say and that my mom just supports my sis. I suppose long-held family dynamics don't change...even in a crisis.
You have lots of time to think when you sit in an ICU room hour after hour. It is just sad that my N sis and mom systemically drove my dad to have only a minimal relationship with my brother and I. I know he was not strong enough to stand up to them and he just wanted to please my mom. But still.
At this point, I am choosing not to focus on that. I am choosing instead to pray, to provide comfort to my mom if I can (of if she lets me) and just will my dad to get better. It is so hard to see him in this state............In the ICU late at night, I get like Shirley MacLaine in Terms of Endearment when I think a machine is beeping when it shouldn't or that he's not getting enough pain medication....I keep praying and I really appreciate your prayers. Prayer is what is really needed now.
