are there people here who have gone NC with their n-parent?

[JustKathy]

Mud, my two siblings also side with my NM. I expected it from my brother, since he's the GC, but my sister . . . I just don't get it. It almost seems like a form of brainwashing. She's almost 50, yet won't call me or email me because "Mom won't let me talk to you." And as with your situation, my sister has also been abused by M. My NM treats her terribly, yet my S would take a bullet for her.

I talked to my therapist about this, and asked her if she thought they might change after my NM dies, but my therapist felt that no, once Co-Dependent, it's that way forever. After the N dies, the co-spouse or child will continue to abide by her wishes. If my NM has instructed my sister to not have contact with me, it will probably stay that way, as S will be afraid to defy my mother, even in death. Ditto my Co-Father. He removed me from the will on my NM's request, to make her happy because she has terminal cancer. Once she dies, he could easily change the will back, but he won't. These Ns manage to maintain their hold on people from the grave. Amazing, that they have such power and control over others.

[GeorgiaPeach]

I really appreciate hearing other NC folks' stories on this thread. It helps make me feel not so alone in all of this.

It seems like its pretty common for relatives of the N to side with them.

In my family, my N-momster's momster is about 100X worse in terms of being a screwed up individual. My grandmomster is actually much more borderline than N though.

There are generations of incest, sexual abuse, physical abuse, and emotional abuse in that family. It goes back beyond my great- grandmother.

One of my brothers is the GC and he definitely has some N-traits. His wife, from the little I know of her, seems like a good person. And she has a good family. So I am fairly certain she would not allow my brother to abuse their kids.

What that means is that the abuse has essentially stopped with my generation, which is a good thing.

But my N-momster is still tormented by her mother. In one of the letters she once wrote me, after I went NC, is that she feels the same about her mother as I feel about her. But she is still unwilling to admit or offer true remorse for how she treated me.

Its a sad legacy these folks leave behind them. I know it has really destroyed the relationships with my siblings and I. I think if we had had a mentally healthy mother, we probably would have pretty good relationships now. I don't think my siblings feel strong enough inside to go against our mother. That is where we differ. I am an extremely strong-willed person. I think my mother underestimated me in that regard. I am the only person in this entire extended family who has stood up against the two biggest abusers: my mother and her mother. Everyone else has just gone along and pretended like its OK.

So although I am isolated, I truly feel proud of myself for standing up and not tolerating being treated that way.

[JustKathy]

I don't think my siblings feel strong enough inside to go against our mother.

Yes, same here. My siblings are definitely not strong enough to stand up for themselves. My NM made sure of it. She tried very hard to stop us from growing up - to keep us all eternally dependent children. When I hit puberty, and started to become independent, she turned on me, and I left. But the younger two stayed at home, both until they were 30, and allowed NM to treat them like little children who could not function on their own. Subsequently, they will never be true adults. My sister is nearly 50, and cannot make a single decision without asking M first. She even moved into the same neighborhood on NM's command. She now has a three-hour commute to work, but she "had" to do what her mother told her to. Keeping their kids in an infantile state is one way that these people maintain control. I honestly don't know how my sister will function when NM is gone. Same with my Co-Father. Neither of them can function on any level without her telling them what to do and how to think.

[JustKathy]

One of my brothers is the GC and he definitely has some N-traits.

Interesting. My brother is the GC, but got my father's co-traits, and married an N.

[GeorgiaPeach]

One of my brothers is the GC and he definitely has some N-traits.

Interesting. My brother is the GC, but got my father's co-traits, and married an N.

My parents have almost 100% diametrically opposed personalities- my mother is superficial, has anger problems, selfish. My father is totally passive, intellectual/detached emotionally, calm, but deeply, deeply stubborn.

One of my brothers, the GC, is temperamentally very much like my mother. He also got her skin tone and looks just like her dad. My other brother is temperamentally just like our father, and interestingly, has his skin tone as well.

My understanding is that there is some biological underpinnings for personality disorders. So some people are more predisposed toward a certain type and may need more or less environmental factors to trigger them off to the point where they become a full blown disorder.

[getnbtr]

I have NC with my parents and LC with my siblings. I have a NM and F that will do anything to cover up the fact that his wife has mental problems. My siblings do the same and I used to as well. I stopped covering for her when she decided that my kids were easy pray. My brother and sister were GC and I was the scape goat. I used to ask NM why she treated me the way that she did and always she told me that she had a rough childhood. I used to beg my father not to leave me alone with her because she would attack me physically and emotionally. It's a sick world they create and going NC for the last 15 years has been the only option for me to protect myself and my children.
Not knowing any better I married a NH 28 years ago. One of our children is an N as well and has reconnected with my parents. At first I think she just wanted to know why things were the way they are because she was young when we went NC. I am sure she wanted this to bother me. Since it doesn't, she is loosing interest in them. They are all so fake, make up their own reality and giggle at each other. Sometimes I feel like I am missing out on something until I remember how fake everyone was. I like not having to pretend anymore. The relationship with my children is real. We can all be who we are and still love each other. Unfortunately I have to disconnect from my NH and the children have learned to do that too. You just have to remember that they are sick. Next year my youngest graduates high school, that's when I get out. It's been a long wait, but, he would have made my life a living hell especially with the kids if I left before this. Can't wait to live my life without walking on those eggshells!

[GeorgiaPeach]

Sometimes I feel like I am missing out on something until I remember how fake everyone was. I like not having to pretend anymore. The relationship with my children is real. We can all be who we are and still love each other. Unfortunately I have to disconnect from my NH and the children have learned to do that too. You just have to remember that they are sick.

getnbr - thanks for your post. I really agree with you about the "fakeness." that is a real issue for me in terms of dealing with my N-mother and N-trait-brother. My sense of them is that their emotions are very surface level. There is not much depth there. There is a sense of just not being able to be authentic when dealing with them. And that is something that I just cannot deal with anymore. I am a person who tends to be very true to myself. I enjoy being around people who are honest and real and authentic.

[sfalken]

"I also know for a fact that my momster tells my siblings and everyone on her side of the family bad things about me - she has created this story about who I am in order to make herself look better. None of them know the real reason I cut her off- they don't know about the years of horrible abuse she did to me behind closed doors. She is super fake and puts on a front to everyone. So I have lost every relationship that she is a part of. None of those people call me, and they talk badly about me."

When I read this, I had chills. I live this every day. My NM and CoF/NF have done a very good job of slandering me, and my wife, to everyone they can get an audience from, in order to make themselves look like victims, get attention, and to be sure that nothing I or my wife ever say will be credible to anyone (should we ever have the opportunity to explain what my FOO parents have done when no one was looking). I / we have lost, many many relationships now. I am an only child yes, but I had many common relationships which have ended over my FOO parent's slandering.

I look at it like this. I have heard many times, the tactics of sexually abusive people. They do the exact same thing. Discredit the victim, and then no one will believe the victim. They walk through life acting like celebrities, smiling and 'oh so nice', so that no one would ever believe..

There is no difference in tactics. One physically attacks their victims. The other (Destructive Narcissists) emotionally attack their victims.

It helps me to read that others experience this same thing.

A couple people who 'sided' with my parents came around and put out a 're-friend me' on FB, etc, but - as you would imagine, they were only on missions to try to get pictures of my children for NM. Evil droids.


SF

[ann3]

I just read this thread for the first time and I want to say to all who have gone NC:  BRAVO!!  Each of you has the guts, character & integrity to choose your sanity over the brainwashing abuse of an N.  Dang, y'all should have a party to celebrate your courage!!

[GeorgiaPeach]

"I also know for a fact that my momster tells my siblings and everyone on her side of the family bad things about me - she has created this story about who I am in order to make herself look better. None of them know the real reason I cut her off- they don't know about the years of horrible abuse she did to me behind closed doors. She is super fake and puts on a front to everyone. So I have lost every relationship that she is a part of. None of those people call me, and they talk badly about me."

When I read this, I had chills. I live this every day. My NM and CoF/NF have done a very good job of slandering me, and my wife, to everyone they can get an audience from, in order to make themselves look like victims, get attention, and to be sure that nothing I or my wife ever say will be credible to anyone (should we ever have the opportunity to explain what my FOO parents have done when no one was looking). I / we have lost, many many relationships now. I am an only child yes, but I had many common relationships which have ended over my FOO parent's slandering.

Sfalken, thanks so much for your post. You really do understand one of the most painful aspects of going NC. I am sorry to know you have had to endure a similar type of pain.  Unfortunately, I don't have a spouse to lean on, so that compounds my sense of isolation in this.

But I can tell you that deep down, living a life based on deep integrity and authenticity gives me a type of satisfaction that is way more powerful than any validation I could get from all the people who've decided my N-momster is worth so much more than I am. I can look in the mirror every day and know that I have been true to myself. I haven't lived a life based on lies and distortions and cruelty. I know myself. These N folks cannot do that. No matter how much they may try to deny it, to themselves, and to others, there is a deeper truth about themselves that always haunts them. They can never know TRUE peace inside.

THAT is what I draw from when I hit those really low periods. I feel proud of myself. Much like all the other people in the world who have stood up against injustices and cruelty....in all the different ways that humans have done that. I feel like I am one of those people. Except the injustice and cruelty was in my own family.

But I stood up to it and I walked away from it.

I think those of us who have gone NC need to remind ourselves of that.

[Twoapenny]

Can I also add to this that, as hard as it is to go NC and as many times as there have been that I've wished I had a nice family and could do family Christmas, family Birthdays, family lunches and so on, since going NC - almost four years ago - my life has got better and better.  It's been hard at times, because of the allegations my mum makes against me, but overall I have got stronger, healthier and ultimately, happier.  This year has been the most productive and healthy of my life - and it's the first year in my life that I've had absolutely no interaction, contact or hassle from my mum.  So, so sad, but so, so true.