Thanks for your thoughts and condolences, Twp a Penny.
I was very ignorant and idealistic to think that my daughter had to have a father. She would not have gone to private school which helped her become the brilliant academic she is but all the denial about who he is isn't healthy.
I have agonized and tried to look at what is going on beyond me getting thrown out of the house. My daughter's marriage is in big trouble. Her husband is abusive. She says to just ignore him but this is not possible. She is embarrassed by his loutish behaviour and my seeing him do creepy things must make this awareness more acute. For instance, she was breast feeding her one month old infant daughter. My daughter was trying to discreetly change breasts. The baby has been fussy and so she was getting ready to put her on the other breast. There was mild dripping from her nipple. Her husband said," Give her to me. She's my baby too. He grabbed the baby and held the baby up to make her laugh (??????) This baby can barely focus her eyes, let alone laugh. He was playing pretty rough with the baby. Then he said to the baby," Those are my breasts baby. You can have them for another month or two and then they are mine again." My daughter told him to shut up and he was very put out. I told her it was ok because I did not want to cause trouble.
This really sickened me. I did not show it. I realize that the last thing my daughter wants right now is to break up her family. I hate to leave her in this situation. She is able to subdue him from what I have seen in the past but I think this guy is a big baby himself and appears to lack the maturity to share the mother of his child.
I have calmed down now and realize that this is not all about me. I am best kept out of my daughter's home because she knows I would not find it acceptable. I tried but it is not good. I have been a battered woman and I am aware of bullies who don't take responsibility for their own behaviour. I was naive to think that now I had another member added to my family when she married her husband. I think he knew that we would not see eye to eye before I did.
My job as a parent is still the same and it is not at this time a nice reciprocal relationship. I don't support abuse in a relationship and I am unlikely to just sit there and smile if my daughter is being humiliated. A lot of my life was spent around fishermen who can be rough but they always treated a new mother with huge respect. They understood that a baby must have its needs met and the rest of us behave like adults.
I think I need more information on supporting a daughter who is in abusive relationship. She is in denial right now and desperately wants her little family to thrive. Anything that threatens that must go.
Before I wanted an apology from him for yelling at me and demanding that I leave, go to a hotel etc. Now I don't care about that. I see that he is so far from understanding what he did and so into thinking that I MADE HIM ANGRY that there is no point.
Blame gets passed from my ex, to me, to Bryn, to my daughter. I don't want to blame anyone. I want to understand, be clear, and honest. Stepping into my daughter's family was enough to push her husband over the edge. I kind of think he lives close to the edge most of the time.
So what does a mom do when she believes her daughter is married to an abuser. He has an acquired brain injury from having Spinal Meningitis as a baby. This has been labelled ADHD but he probably has that too. He is succeeding in isolating her.
Sea storm
