It's been a long time

[towrite]

Haven't been here in ages and it's good to see some familiar names. Some things have changed with me and some have remained the same. Some old things are re-occuring. I have moved to a different city, partly to put some distance between my mother and me, plus my brother, and partly to take a teaching job which turned out to be a nightmare. I never had time for any activities, like posting here - it was out of the house at 7 am, home at 4:30, take care of the dogs, fix something to eat and go to bed exhausted. At the end of a year, I was laid off.

I have limited contact with the NM. Her narcisicism is getting worse with age (she's 90). She's still healthy and mostly in possession of her faculties, so she can still deliver barbs that hurt. Does any one else find that N gets worse with age?

I have been looking for work and have gotten caught in the trap of the ending of unemployment extensions. Don't have many friends in this new city - maybe that's good and bad. I am so glad to be out of my hometown - the longer I am gone, the more I find how much my NM has trashed me among her friends and our relatives. Nothing I can do about that, but on bad days it eats at me.

The NM has also allowed my brother to live with her b/c he is also unemployed. Not something she would do for me. He still isn't speaking to me altho he has - on one occasion yelled at me that I have "done so many things" to him. I can't think of a single one, so I have to conclude his rantings are irrational. I am a convenient person for him to take out his fear/anger on.

What makes me convenient for him?

The old recurring things are my fear and anxiety - waking up in the morning thinking too far ahead with dread. Have to get up to end that anxiety, even if it's before dawn.

Something is wrong with this posting - it keeps jumping up and down. Will write more later - maybe a bad connection.

Happy Turkey day to everyone.

[debkor]

Hey towrite,

I'm sorry.

I hear you.  It's very scary to move to a different city knowing no one and on top of that being laid off.  I don't like feeling insecure (with just basic needs) a job, rent, ect and it has happened to me in the past.  Your a survivor and you will survive.  You are strong and will get through this down time. 

Yes I think narcissim gets worse with age.  When narcissist move into (as I am seeing) middle life they see themselves in thier 20s.  The rest of the world don't.
They also (in mind) become more child'ish,more demanding of take care of me, either way, money or emotion (sucking you dry).

As far as your mother trashing you to relatives and friends it's because you are not whom she wants you to be, do not do as she tells you to do, so she no longer needs you, therefore, you have been abandoned.  Shame on you.

Because you abandoned her.  In her (mind) you have harmed her.  You are yourself, an individual.  I don't think they get that. 

And let the trash show begin.  I do think that narcissist have *intense shame feelings*.  They don't feel guilt (feel for the other) of whom they caused harm to.
That they have done something (not so good) to do. They will try to heal the harm they have caused.

They have shamed (feelings) deep.  They have been harmed by you (they think) and you should feel guilt.  Just for being yourself and saying You Harmed Me...
you did do things that were not good....They hear...You are no good (but I don't think they are hearing that from you, really).  That's long before you came into this world....

Mabye that is what they heard, do as I say, be as I tell you to be....

And I don't know, I get lost at some point of how they became whom they became...when other's in the same family don't become narcissist but all have been wounded. 

I don't know about your brother maybe he is pissed because you abandoned (jumped ship) are your own person and he is pissed at you because of that.
He may be really mad at himself.  I don't know.

Love
Deb




 

[Hopalong]

Hi Towrite,

I really like your definition of anxiety, it struck me as a perfect summation:

thinking too far ahead with dread.

I've been doing a great deal of that lately.

I can imagine how with unemployment plus the issues with your mother, you're feeling a lot of isolation and loss and fear.

I wonder if what makes you a convenient target for your brother's blame is that you allow him to express it and you will listen to it, and also that the culture permits it, in some way I'm too weary to write.

Being talked about in a cruel way just plain stinks.

Hops

[towrite]

Thanks, Deb. I am really working hard to stay out of the victim pit, as I call it. It's one thing to be victimized; it's another totally to drag the victim persona around with me. I don't want that persona.

And the wondering pit - wondering what I did wrong. With all the insecurity around me, it is a hard fight to stay out. It would be so easy to give up, give in. Just accept that I am worthless. But I know that path is deadly.

I know you are right that my NM sees me as having abandoned her, she doesn't need me b/c I don't serve her needs. It's why I moved to another city. Long distance seems to be easier. I pay her little bits of attention on the phone occasionally and it seems to keep her "trashing" efforts at bay.

As for my brother, others far wiser than I - my shrink, a therapist, to name a couple - have made more rational statements about his behavior than I ever could. That he is in an angry place b/c of two divorces from really crazy women who mistreated him, that he was raised in the same dysfunctional family I was, so how could I expect him to be rational? I fall back on these as my weapons against the pain I feel at his hostility.


Thanks again for your response. It helps to know there's a live person on the other end.

[Lupita]

Here I am going to dare to express something, hoping that I do not offend anybody.

I think there is nothing you can do about a family when your mother has made you the escapegoat of the family. There si not reason for them to blame you even because the sun sets on the west. If your mother has done that, they are programmed to do it that way.

The only think you can do, I mean, if that is the case, like in my case, is just try to survive everyday picking up the pieces and helping your slef the best you can, and loving your self the best youc an since you family did not.

In my case, i still have an inmense hole in my soul that sometimes think will never be filled.

Will pray for you.
Love,

Lupita