Hobug

[Hopalong]

Thank you, GS -- I really appreciate your strong recognition of where all those feelings came from. You are completely right. Knowing they are triggered by the past helps me let them go so, hopefully, I can catch up to being more in the present.

BTW, my blood BOILS when I see adults "demand" hugs or kisses from reluctant or uninterested children. To me it's a first step in the long cultural process of dismantling the wholeness of a child and beginning their brainwashing into all sorts of unhealthy roles and reflexes as we do in this culture. I LOVE it when a parent just tells the child calmly and directly IN FRONT OF THE OTHER ADULT, "I know XX has just asked you for a hug or kiss but that is up to you." Every damn time.

(Without drama or shaming the other adult--as they're just following a script, not intending anything malicious...just acting out the usual child-doesn't-own-its-own-body reflex everyone is taught in this culture.)

And thank you for the support in my thoughts about my friend. The fact is, just as he has no boundaries, I have put up a rigid one now. Though it's an end to a 2-year thing, it's been coming. I haven't seen or talked to him and though I felt (and will again I am sure) some loss, what I feel mostly is relief. It really was not a healthy relationship for me to be "parked" in so much of the time, it is constricting and repetitive and suffocating. It became more depressing and frustrating to me the longer it went on unchanged, and there was no change possible. I also did a lot of unhealthy dependency stuff and could feel myself, like quicksand, not dealing with stuff because I could talk (and talk) to him about it instead. Still is a struggle to act in my own best interests.

As far as relationships go, I'm starting to acknowledge to myself that maybe in the new year I would like to create the space for some new person, new discovery, new partnership. Gennulman would've become like a permanent default (the struggle over my Xmas independence was a harbinger of that) -- not healthy for him for me to enable him or be so dependent on him, and not healthy for me to tell myself, I must accept all his issues because the alternative is being too alone.

I do feel too alone right now but I also know that could change. I am relieved to have let this situation go. I won't be "practicing" with him, because I feel as though I'm happier having actually moved on...kind of brutal and I am sure he is feeling upset. I do not like the idea of his suffering but I also don't think he is receptive to doing anything new.

On my end, I'm isolating. But I have also been reaching out to other people, in the space I used to automatically fill with him. I think I need to do this. He has so abandoned his own life that he at times felt like an undertow...

love,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

You see - you are drawing excellent boundaries.
My hat is off to you!
That is so healthy - and so difficult and the price of loneliness in drawing boundaries actually is a temporary therapeutic pain that promises better relationships in the future.  Here's a "cheers" to you! ;D

[Hopalong]

thank you GS!

Interesting to just read what you wrote...this weekend I saw an appropriate job posting, this morning I called to find out the deadline for applying and it was today, I had a meeting with Nboss I couldn't miss at 9am, I didn't know what to do...

So I dug deep and made a plan. Wrote work that I'd be in for the meeting but leaving afterward as I didn't feel well (true: I don't feel well about the prospect of staying stuck there...and have had trouble sleeping and staying healthy as a result...). Wrote the prospective workplace promising to have my application in by the end of the day...

Went to work, did the meeting, came home, completed the interminably complicated online application a half-hour before the end of the day, sent it in (got confirmation they'd received it from a very nice HR woman who promised to forward it immediately to those doing the hiring).

All this detour is to say that because I think, as distressed as I've been in my current job, if I were still feeling "hooked" with Gennulman -- I would have let the new opportunity go by perhaps, and not taken action in time to have a chance at it. Because I would've been mournfully talking or writing to him.

If I get it or don't get it that's really okay. What mattered was that I applied. It's a total antidote to hopelessness. (Action, I mean.)

love
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

My fingers and toes are going to cramp from being crossed for you, Hops! 

I so hope you're catching a wave of positive change and climbing up on that surf board...

[lighter]

Yes yes yes.

Action=Feeling better

You're absolutely right, Hops: )

Light

[Hopalong]

Whew.
It's over.

One of my worst ever, as well (with my D mostly estranged). Tried SO hard to gear up in advance to be boundaried against it all and unaffected but it seems I can't be, completely. So I rode the surf and not successfully but I think...that's okay. There is just no way to stop the tsunami of sorrows the holidays can trigger. One can help each other a bit, but there you go, it just is what it is, and maybe there's no more point fighting it than there is in trying to prevent winter from being winter. So if there is sorrow, maybe the real holiday job is to feel it. I sure did.

On Christmas Eve I felt the MOST pitiful. Went outside and raked leaves for an hour or so. Found myself looking around at my neighbors' houses and thinking nasty bitter thoughts. (Since the For Sale sign went up not one of them has bothered to speak to me about it, and I'm saying to myself, yeah, there you are in your super-Christian pious little families, and here you have a neighbor who is so lonely and isolated she feels heartbroken and you don't even bother to say one word like, I'm sorry you have to move? After nearly 50 years? Working myself up to a really righteous little pity party. Sob. Hating my stupid f-ing neighbors for not caring.)

Five minutes after I came in the door the most rigidly religious one was ringing my doorbell. She hands me some cookies and says, Are you alone this Christmas? I didn't mean to but I teared up and said, My family is not what it once was. And thanked her. I went upstairs and the bell rang again and she was back, inviting me, very sincerely, to join them for Christmas dinner. I was very touched, cried even harder. She came in and saw the one empty room (stuff shipped to my brother). I guess she noticed how sort of bleak it might feel. I told her I had tentative plans with a friend but would call her.

I did have plans, and didn't want to go there--and called Xmas Day to thank her for the thought--but it meant a LOT to me that she noticed, and invited me. I will remember her warmly. She is real.

That evening at the last minute I called another friend and offered her a ride to the Xmas Eve service, which I hadn't thought I'd go to. It wasn't awful. Singing's always nice, sitting among my PHamily is always good. Candlelight Silent Night out under the stars is lovely. So I'm glad I went. But it was noticeable (and scary) to me that later that night, my thoughts went to old age, and the way things are with my D (for now anyway, only messages are when she wants something and she never asks how I am, seems purely indifferent to my life) -- I got into a state of fear about being old, alone, or even abused perhaps. So I was Googling the night away and found myself reading about the Hemlock Society. Fascinating, and I suppose empowering. But still, spending an hour or so learning how to do oneself in (should I ever want to) was a pretty clear indication of how hard the holidays can be. (I hear you, Bones.)  A friend a month or so ago had written me that the aunt of a friend of hers, very old and with Parkinson's, had driven her scooter chair into the pool, on purpose. To drown herself.

That reading session passed but it disturbed me. I do not want to go there again. Kind of a wakeup call to how bad pain can get and how much I intend to live a life that does not leave me that isolated again. Need a better plan for next year and I will make one.

Christmas Day I had vague plans with the same girlfriend I did Tgiving with this year. We decided to be Jewish for the day and do Chinese food and a movie. Went really well! Found a nice Chinese buffet and then went to a TERRIFIC movie--True Grit. Highly recommend it. She is in touch with some relatives, and has some friends. But she was rocked, earlier in the week, with her own tsunami. So I'm really glad we could steady each other. She has also trained for the SPCA dog walking.

Today...I need to edit my freelance work so as soon as I stop playing here, I will go do that.

I am very glad in spite of all the anguish that I did not do the holiday with Gennulman. He will never understand, but I knew that I needed to spend a lot of time alone, and what time I did spend with people with friends who would not emphasize that "I am flotsam" melancholy that he exudes. He turned up at the service and I'm sure was surprised to see me (we had talked for a half hour earlier but I didn't mention my plans, because he would think we should do that "together" and I don't WANT to be his holiday "date"...it's just even mustier and sadder than it was to feel my own clean pain with my other friends around me, who are not tugging at me to fill their holes when I'm working to repair my own, if that makes any sense.)

Thank god it's over for another year. Ho-bug doesn't even begin to express it.

love to everybody,
Hops

[BonesMS]

Thanks, Hops.

[sKePTiKal]

Hops, m'dear...

I read your post yesterday and it touched me so, that I decided to wait to respond. I would've flailed around tryin' to "fix" you and made a total muddle of things!

So, I think you spent your time wisely. The small voice wouldn't be denied it's grieving for the way life turns out and you had time to let it run it's course. So it ran to some extremes... I find mine does; it's almost an essential characteristic of it. In at least one way, I heard how, in your description, you are coming around to facing one possible future. But, we gotta keep reminding those small voices that they're (in fear of &) obsessing on only one of those future possibilities - life is very, very random; miracles DO occur (at least things so unexpected they appear to be miracles); and no matter how much we learn, think we know, and sit with the quiet creative void.... we STILL can't predict the future. It's a miracle that any plans "come together" and maybe that's why it's so temporarily satisfying when it appears that they are coming togehter. Temporary, because it then takes work to maintain the new status quo....

... your D is doing what she needs to do - separate; individuate from "mom". That is a good thing, really. The way she's doing it isn't so good; and perhaps there is some truth to the N-DNA being passed on. It's not YOUR DNA. If she did get that tendency... then the "mom" that you were, the relationship you used to have with D, went a long, long way to mitigating the Nism rather than exacerbating it or enhancing it. We - as moms - can always look back and find things that we could've done, been differently; but I believe (so that I can live with myself) that we can't look back with the knowledge and life-wisdom we have now and judge ourselves in the past, from that perspective. Sometimes, I hear the small voice start to wail: "if only...... I had known....". And I have to give it a firm, but gentle shake! There's no WAY we can judge ourselves back then, from where we sit now. Even if we can state as fact and own the responsibility for what we did and who we were then... even if we acknowledge our failings...

... we were at various stages of coming out of the bubbles of N-deceptions, projections, gaslighting and warpedness; for myself I had no idea who I was (since I'd been schooled so thoroughly in who I was supposed to be). It's not fair - from where we sit now - to go back and blame our past selves for not being us now. FACT: it's who we were then that helped make us what we are now. [OK - so it's a quasi-emotional fact. And convoluted and perhaps self-soothing... excusing even.] But I just can't sit by and watch someone I care about, who's got so much to give and who is so much fun.... ultimately, blame herself for the life-handicap of having grown up in a dysfunctional FOO. BAH!!! Who SAYS this is fair??? [OK - maybe I can't help myself trying to "fix" Hops... sigh!!]

There is still a lot of life to live - when the role of "mom" isn't full-time anymore; when that's been lifted. Even MIL - who found ways to extend that role to many other people in her life; different ways of "mothering" (even in politics) - even she explored options in life that she found herself free, and able to pursue for the first time. MIL grew up with the idea that once a mom, always a mom and that it was her raison d'etre. But she also lived through the same times we have and all the changes to women's lives - and she relished many of those changes and capitalized on them - for herself. Without sacrificing what made her "mom".

"Momhood" is just a role and there is the familiarity of the role that I think many of us don't want to relinquish. So don't. Find a way to fulfill that motivation somewhere else in life - maybe the pups, even. Maybe in a new job - or new role & job... new friends...   ....... knowing what you know now about Hops; about what is important to you and what you desire to explore next.... start putting as much time into sitting with the future; with trying to "feel" your way to a new path and what it will consist of (staying open to changes of course due to miracles/surprises/unexpected)...

...as much time as you have done already, chewing on & processing the past.

It's where I've come to, too. There is very little useful left in trying to dissect, parse, grok, and analyze what's already gone before. It's a "re-run" and getting boring. And the more time I give to that - the less time I have for the future and the here & now. And it's my here & now that needs energy and attention... or I'm going to have something ELSE to hang on the Past hook of "things to understand and sort out later".

Ya know?

Love to you! and white healing light... or in tibetan healing, that would be orange/red light...

[Hopalong]

Thanks, (((((((PR)))))...for your support and insights.

These days I try not to focus on a possible diagnosis of my D (that increases the emotional difficulty for me). Just try to deal with each communication in a healthy way for us. I certainly am glad she moved away and is differentiating. I have no nostalgia for enmeshment whatsoever. It's a long way from enmeshment to being able to call a parent on Christmas, though.

I am feeling whatever the feelings are, which are of course a little more difficult the first Xmas since she was here and we hit bottom. It's not just the losses related to her and the poignancy of a family-free holiday, though. I believe the grieving I'm doing is about a cumulative sense of loss this year: loss of brother finalized legally (don't miss him of COURSE but it means with him gone, so are the SIL, nieces and nephews--none of whom I'd have picked out to bond with, but all of whom I enjoyed being connected to--and also the other side of the family he alienated from me), my 95 y/o friend, my dog, and soon, my home. Quite a season.

But you are so right about being open to the possibility of good things happening. My "old self" was quite an optimist, my "older" self has perhaps veered too sharply into pessimism, so in the New Year I'll be looking for more balance.

I applied for another job this week, got some freelance editing done, and did get through it all, with friendship around me too. (One closer friend says I'm coming to their feast next year, and I won't argue!) I've also been thinking of online dating a bit in the New Year, making space for that.

I do not plan to spend another year wallowing in losses, but I feel okay that this is what it was this Christmas. I mean, they are real, and they've affected me. I will get through it, but it may take a little longer. I know that untangling from Gennulman meant I was even grieving that, although I feel absolutely certain it was the right thing to do. Something was damp and drowning in that relationship and rising to the surface to surf alone some (wailing and all) was what needed to happen or I'd sink into a defeated, oh-it's-all-hopeless kind of thing I think he lives by in his addiction.

I think the role of "motherhood" is sliding past and I can make my peace with that, sure...right now the role of "abused worker" is really harder to carry. The boss is having new fits of guru-ness and when he's stressed, he acts out by grinding away at me, and subtly--but publically--belittling and devaluing me. My good coworker spotted it at our last meeting and came up to me sort of horrified, announcing he was going to say something to the boss about how do you expect motivated people when you make clear your contempt for their expertise? (I told him I was grateful but it was nothing new, and the blowback, if boss is criticized, would be on me. So I hope he doesn't go there.)

Working on that, too. I am going to continue to look for another job and new opportunity.

Gotta go, get in a quick walk...

love,
Hops

[Hopalong]

start putting as much time into sitting with the future; with trying to "feel" your way to a new path and what it will consist of (staying open to changes of course due to miracles/surprises/unexpected)...

yes
yes
yes

and thanks again, (((PR))))!

xo
Hops

[lighter]

(((Hopsy)))

So sorry the holidays are hard.

You're amazing, my friend.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Lighter.
Hope you've ridden your surf well too, and especially the girls...

Whew.

New Year coming!

Hops

[lighter]

Thanks, Hops.

We're hanging in there..... the girls really enjoyed seeing their cousins.

Lots of snow, fires and coco this holiday season.

To a New Year: )

Lighter

[seastorm]

Dearest Hops,

Thank you Thank you for your honest and heartfelt emotions.  Although sad they rang with the strength of a good solid bell. Grief is like a dinosaur that gets its head in its mouth and throws you around. You are brave and lovely and rare to sit with your grief and not go to the bar and pick up some loser to drown your feelings.

I am encouraged and heartened by your confessions of how miserable Christmas can be if you are alone.  i was too depressed to go to the Computer and see how things were going with you. The reality is that if you are distanced from your daughter and not plugged into a strong support system it can be Hell. Worse than hell. I will not lapse into fixing it for you. There is something meaningful and soul strengthening in being with those feelings and letting them wash over you, however painful that is. Probably only one in five hundred thousand people have the guts to do this. I think that is why you are such an empathic, deep, insightful and courageous person. You aren't always drowning out the music of you soul with frivolity and distractions.

Thanks for sharing your feelings. They sure resonated with me this year. I was very sad because I am so far away from my daughter in every way. And far away from my granddaughter. These feelings will move on in their way just like the clouds part and the wind blows. The price of love is so steep.

I am trying to say that your feelings are precious to me and I am there with you to hold your hand and accept you just the way you are. Christmas really sucked this year. I could have gone around beavering away to fill it up and I did some of that, but I stayed with my feelings a lot too, and slept and dreamed. Thank goodness Christmas is over.

Love,

Sea storm

[Hopalong]

Thank you, ((((((Seastorm))))) -- and back at you.

Did anybody ever tell you you are a poet?

Your writing moved me and your metaphors are wonderful.

Christmas is like the Jurassic Park of emotion...

And spring will come to those who do not deny the power of TRex.

(Of course, I'm often busy persuading myself it's a Guernsey, which backfires...)

Courage to you too, and faith in your future. It is not yet written.

love,
Hops