Oh my gosh, NLAS, it's NOT YOUR FAULT.
How are you supposed to handle this transition to a brave new culture-busting identity perfectly, much less with the history of sexual abuse (by the man she's STAYED WITH, basically telling you he is of more value...) AND the generational pressure AND all the feelings being treated that way creates?
You're NOT.
You're NOT in charge of "making them happy". They have to learn to deal with their own emotions just as you do. You don't have to hate them but you also don't have to fix them.
Whether they manage their emotions successfully or not, it is their job to mature and grow (if they are motivated enough to do so). That's any human being's job.
You are on a path your mother cannot understand and I'm sorry, but the truth is, neither she nor your stepfather are CAPABLE of valuing and respecting you enough. Too much baggage in their heads. In your mother's case, all that talking and intruding and nagging and controlling and assessing and "marketing" you is NOT love, it's fear.
(She may and probably does love you, on some level. You don't have to reject the love. But she has unhealthy values and does not know how to operate outside them. The sober truth is, she will likely never be different. So your challenge is to find your own peace--with her, without her, with controlled low contact, with no contact--whatever evolves to be the right balance for YOU. So you can thrive, and live a dignified, satisfying life.)
The life question is: How do you continue to make choices, going forward, that are about YOU valuing you?
I think you are really beginning to see yourself in a more compassionate light. You are more thoughtful about the ingredients of this toxic soup. You are halfway out of the pot. You are thinking more independently. You are reacting less and analysing more.
I have great faith in you.
(And perhaps you might leave the idea open of a "real" support group. It'd be all in the wording...)
For example: Are you adapting to changing views of marriage? An invitation to a discussion group for Indian-American women.
If you find someone who's skilled at facilitating this kind of thing, or study up on some of the standard structures for these groups, I bet it could be a wonderful thing. Examples of the structures include things like:
--confidentiality
--no cross-talk (means no interrupting)
--no advice-giving unless specifically requested
--a method (like a timer or "talking stick") for sharing time equally (brilliant strategem that prevents voice-hogs)
Anyway, even if that doesn't happen, it's exciting to read about your growth.
Hops
