daughter threatens to disown me

[seastorm]

I just got a complete knee replacement on November 30. This is no picnic but manageable.

On November 6 I was ordered to leave my daughters home by her husband. This was on my first visit across the country to see my new grandchild.

I have cried a lot over this and prayed too. There must be some way to heal this. Daughter is hurt and furious that I was hurt because her rich stepmother was the first to see the baby and stayed eight days before I came. By the time I got there they were sick of company I think.

This is very painful. I am pretty zonked on medication and pain and recovering from surgery. I live alone and it is a balancing act to cope. Friends have been good to me.

I think it is very hard for kids to go through the horror of the narcissistic marriage with their moms. She was there for it all. Now she cant stand to think about it or hear about it.  Not one word. She is furious at me for mentioning that I felt hurt that her stepmother came to visiit. Things never got worked out with my ex and the stepmother because they never communicated at all. They would say there is nothing to talk about. This was for everything involving my daughter. There policy was "there is nothing to talk about, "
This is a strange way to live. My ex is an alcoholic and wealthy.

I have prayed for forgiveness. Forgive myself and them. My daughter wants me to let go of the past and never talk one word about it.I want her to acknowledge some of what I went through. So we miss each other. Her father was extremely abusive. The stepmother decided that she would never talk to me and that she would be my daughter's mother. Most people reallize that the other parent exists and some kind of relationship needs to be developed. The stepmom figured she would declare me nuts and she stuck to that. The damage is horrible.

I am at the point where I cant stand it anymore and find my daughter to be very cold and self centred. I think I feel this way because it is true but also because I cant see beyond my own pain.

Please give me your thoughts.

Sea storm

[towrite]

Hey SS - I can understand your hurt. Maybe her post-natal hormones at work? Just a thought. Keeping you in my thoughts.

towrite

[lighter]

SS:

I don't know how to get past unjust pain, and trauma.

I'd like to think that crying, grieving and acknowledging it,ourselves, helps us move beyond it.

I'd like to think we don't need to have all that damage recognized by others, but I honestly don't know how we get beyond it.

If we do manage, I guess we've accepted that something egregiously unfair has happened, and that society allowed it.

We accept that it won't change, and that there will never ever be any justice in the matter.

IMO, that's impossible to do while the damage is still being inflicted, as it is with your dd and her stepmother.

We make peace with that unfair reality, and we move past it.  I guess that's how it works, anyway.

From where I sit, I'd want contact with my Grandchild.

I might have to emotionally withdrawl with love from my daughter for a bit, but I'd want to be there for that Grandchild.

You can't go back and retrieve these days.

You can't go back and change your abusive marriage or the hours you and your daughter spent there.

All you have is today.

What's important today?

SS, I hope you can find a terrific therapist to help you work though your pain.  

You're entitled to it.

You should be able to express it.

That your daughter can't be there for you is OK, IMO.

She has her own dragons to slay, I think.

(((Seastorm)))

[Hopalong]

I am learning to love my D anyway.

The only thing that is working is distance (she was wise to move away and it is a relief we can both now work on ourselves without the daily friction) and to not need anything from her.

(I am learning that I can teach myself that I do not, in fact, NEED her love or approval. I WANT it--and sometimes with anguish--but I don't NEED it to survive or heal.) Christmas is quite the test and I am going to be fine. Walking doggies at the SPCA.

That has been one of the most shocking things in my life. That I could teach myself I don't NEED the love and approval of my child.

I have begun to see that the farther I go with this, the more peaceful I feel (and the easier our contacts, which are brief and not frequent these days, become.) It's getting better. I have to leave my emotions out of it. I am very very busy, and that is very good.

I forced myself to deal with the shock and grief I have felt over how it's not how it SHOULD be, and am beginning to make my peace with how it IS. I have needed, and sought, a lot of support. And I'm taking better care of myself. Beginning to feel my own, individual and separate, dreams again.

One of the biggest things was to face the fact that I no longer set the terms. Any terms. I have to accept her terms, even when they include distance. I have no choice. I have no power. None. Zip. No persuasive power, no guilt power, no manipulative power, no pleading power, no justice power.

What a relief, to yield to the truth. To have no power. To actually embrace having no power. I don't want it any more. I don't want to "win" her love. I just want to give her the space and the time to heal herself. Renewed love, a future connection that's stronger and more peaceful, may result. How can I know the future? Meanwhile, I love her, I don't think about her every hour, and I am living my own whole life. Not the empty-womb life.

She's been gone from my womb a long time. She can no longer be my reason for believing in life. She can no longer be my purpose. She can no longer be half my identity. And it's okay.

The only choice I have is to continue loving her (which I do) but not obsessing, and never again let myself believe that she holds my peace in her hands.

My job is to give up anguish. I had to grieve and I may have to grieve again. But that's just part of my life. I will go through it when it comes but I will not make it my identity.

I'm sorry to talk about myself so much, Sea. You know I relate to a lot of what you're going through.

I send you love. And fast healing from the knee surgery. And hopes for you, that you will find new purpose.

Hops
PS--the stepmother doesn't matter. She's not "taking your place." You are you and you are good. Your daughter may figure this out in the future. It would be better for her if she did. But your anguish or yearning for it will not help it happen. Ever. Your healing is necessary because your own separate existence, with or without your daughter's understanding, is a meaningful, marvelous thing. It is RIGHT for you to heal.

[nolongeraslave]

Hugs, seastorm. Sorry to hear that.

I don't have any kids..but love Hop's post!

[seastorm]

I sure appreciate your thoughts on this. I have not been very responsive as recovering from surgery and live alone. I'm doing well and can walk without any aids after ten days.This is amazing. Very tired though and sleep a lot. This sense of isolation and vulnerability is probably contributing to my sadness at distance from my daughter.

So I am not the only one being pushed out of my child's life. I really dont like it. Hope I am  not like a Shirley MacLaine dominatrix mommie diearest who has smothered my poor kid. She sure is mad at me. Her husband is feeding this in what seems to me to be a manipulative way. He is afraid she wants to move out west and she has always said that she wants to move out west.
Who knows????? I sure can't cope with drama right now anymore. I can hardly get to the bathroom for pete's sake and wander around in a medicated haze.

What a blessing to hear from you all. When I hear that CB is experiencing the same thing I realize that it is not catastrophic but maybe a phase where a child is doing the work of growing up and making their own life.The message is clear to get my own life. With my new knee I am on the road to better mobility. This is day ten after surgery.

[seastorm]

I am really grieving the loss of my daughter. She wants me to accept that I was attacking her husband and full of anger when I went to visit.This is just not so.

[lighter]

You can accept that they perceived your actions meant one thing, when you truly meant something else.

You can apologize that daughter's h "felt" attacked, and say you'd like to make sure that never happens again.

Hopefull, they'll get over themselves, and you can perfect the art of walking on egg shells for them: /

So sorry this is happening. 

The birth of a Grandchild should be a joyful occassion ((SS.))

Lighter

[seastorm]

I got an email with pictures of the baby.
I am sick of talk going back and forth.

The Natives here think that a there are two wolves in a person. One wolf is the angry wolf and the other is peaceful. A grandfather was asked which wolf wins?  Grandfather replied," The one I feed the most". '

I am praying for light and healing.  I just cant fix this.

Sea storm

[Twoapenny]

Sea, I think the hardest thing in life is accepting there are some things that we can't fix.  We can't make other people behave how we want, no matter how much we are in the right and they are in the wrong, or vice versa.  Maybe the only thing you can do right now is stick within your own boundaries and do what you feel you can manage right now - maybe just very brief, non emotive emails just to keep the door open?  Along the lines of "what lovely pictures, great to see you all looking so happy, hope you're all set for Christmas" - you know, almost the sort you'd send to a work colleague or neighbour.  I think sometimes it's just too painful to deal with the 'real' stuff - maybe for both of you?  Perhaps your daughter isn't ready to deal with some of her stuff yet, so it's easier to blame you and push you away than it is to confront things she doesn't want to see?  Maybe if you can just keep the door open for now, without getting into any of it, things might start to shift a little on their own.

I really hope this gets sorted out for you some time soon.  It's obvious how much you care and how hard you worked when she was younger to give her a good life.  I'd be very happy if my mum cared that much about me.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Sea)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

Sea,
All the talking is keeping the wound open, banging on the bruises, and not letting anything heal.

I think you need to gently withdraw from discussing who-did-what and who-was-wrong and who-is-right.

You might have to say something like, I am so glad to hear news and see the baby, and thank you for sending them. But I'm realizing we need to let the talk about feelings and blame stop since I am just recycling...so I love you of course, and permanently, and I'm happy to hear updates, but I'm not going to keep talking about past upsets and blame. I am going to take some time to learn about myself and grow. I may have to be private about it for a while so I'll be sticking to simple things.

Just as Tupp said, echoing that...

Talking isn't always good. Distance sometimes IS good because it can allow healing.

Don't be afraid of some silence, some non-communicating times. You can tell her you love her but tell her lightly! Not like you are The Castaway and she's the Only Piece of Driftwood.

You can do it. Just fake it. Eventually that bit of detachment will start to feel like healing.

love,
Hops

[seastorm]

Thankyou for your thoughts.  I agree and I have withdrawn from back and forth emotionally charged conversation. All I can do is focus on  my own life and the friends and loved ones I have.
I know everyone here has their share of tragedy and things that they could not control. I am trying to see what my responsibility is in all this too. But not too much.

Mostly I feel sad for all of the miscommunication and bad behaviour. I think I have been guilty of wanting everything to be perfect and set to music. Not as much as some people but enough. I want to quit blaming people and realize that we are all sinners. This is a bit much. I am just staying home and healing quietly. It is very hard to sleep at night.

For everyone who is suffering and whos families are in tatters, I wish you healing for Christmas.

Love,
Sea storm

[Redhead Erin]

Hmmmm.......

Coming in a little late here but . . . .

In another thread, we were talking about how WE all wanted THEM (The N parents, siblings, spouses, etc.) to admit they were wrong and ask us for forgiveness.

I think your daughter has needs too, especially with the new baby.  I cannot imagine how I would react if my mother had turned up at my house when my son was a newborn, and wanted me to acknowledge that she had suffered as the result of a marriage in which I had been a victim and wanted to talk about and re-hash all that crap. I would have asked her to leave, too. 

Did you really think your daughter, having just delivered a child would have any kind of emotional energy to deal with your issues?

In my view, her husband, by asking you to leave, was protecting her from further hurt.

As her mother, you should have been there for your daughter, and saved your own emotional chamber pot for another day.

[seastorm]

Emotional chamber pot???????

Do you actually talk to people on a regular basis using this judgmental, high handed approach?

You may have a point but your delivery is cruel, and nasty.

There is a lot more to the story than you assume. But unleashing on me was probably just what you needed to satisfy your sadistic little self.

[seastorm]

Wow. Did that ever hurt!

I can't imagine what would prompt you to attack like that.  There is a way to say things so that people can actually listen. Name calling and shaming isn't part of it.

Sea