Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..

<< < (45/49) > >>

Meh:
I woke up to the sound of someone passing out and having a seizure. Sounds like thud and then some sputtering noise out of her moulth. I could here it and I thought, oh geeze, can I just stay over here in bed and ignore it, I did for a short moment and then I ended up calling security to alert them to call 911. Of course there were three other women standing around.
Thing is I've seen paramedics show up for seizures before and they don't do anything, just take vitals then person comes out of the seizure slowly, is disoriented at first.

Stuff like this puts me a little bit off for the day, the proximity to troubled and sick people who are not Loved-Ones and all the extra (stuff)--such as disruptive events that go along with having to share space with troubled people. This is not the first seizure I have come across since I have been "in the slums". This is the 3rd seizure, very common I guess. The three were all drug users also.

Oh well, I am on to the rest of my day now.

Meh:
I volunteered all day. Played with a little boy putting foam alphabet letters into the corresponding alphabet letter holes.
I love the way it's so easy to encourage little kids that age! All I have to do is say YAY! and smile and it makes him smile. Sooo cute.

Meh:
Standing on the corner, contemplating the always fresh spray of clouds and birds and air streams that make up a new evenings sunset, ignoring all the passersby, breathing taking in singularly the world but not the people in it, in a mood of uncertainty and newness of unknowing what my path was-- I observed.

As a young woman walked by she was a blur to my unfocused eyes, I was looking distantly at three birds moving easterly together, I was looking at a flaming copper area of the sky, not a cloud but a pouf of invisible moisture that caught the sunset glaringly like one of nature's magic tricks, the feel of me trading stale lung air out for some new outdoors air into my lungs,....apparently the young woman just couldn't stand the fact that I didn't make eye contact with her, heaven forbid that I don't want to enter every little twitch of the human animal empire. She asked me: "Are you okay?" I said: "Why wouldn't I be?" She said: "because you're standing on the corner looking confused". To that I did not reply. Then a look of "I don't get it" came over her face as she walked away.

What practical use is there in asking if someone is okay? What is she going to do about my so called beyond- existential-dark night of the soul wearing a summer dress after months of no skin. I have flesh! And it's breezy! And I'm contemplating something spiritual that is slow to sink in!
I'm alone! I'm without family! I'm unwanted! I'm living a self-convinced life! I'm without a path! I'm interrupted from my peace!

She is just as odd to me as I am to her!

Humans distress me, I don't feel peaceful when I look at another human I feel drawn into a vortex of their face, their needs, their stories, their desire to talk about their future's brightness, their plans, their family, their friends, their pedicure, their dog's pedicure, their dog's family of origin.

I no longer feel myself, my bruises, my toes, my soreness, my chest expand, my back ache, my scrubbed fresh skin, I don't notice myself when I look at other people, I see a face vortex and my mind being trapped into a tunnel of death. The moment that I look at their votex face their moving lips, the sunset is shuttered, the birds are obscured, my skin dissapears, I am a mind in a dark tunnel of someone else's talking at me. I lose track of me.
There is no pleasure in humanity.

If I can't have a family or a life than at the very VERY minimum I want to have my SELF, I want to feel myself fill with oxygen, and my barefeet on flip-flops on the sun's warmth radiating from cement. I want to know that the breeze is delicately blowing my hair and know that my skin that has been covered all winter is delightfully naked in a summer dress. I want to look at a huge sky full of variety-pack clouds.....without being interupted.
I want to be with my SENSES and with my own PLAN even if it's a stunted plan, even if I am all wrong, the wrong person in the wrong place at the wrong time "looking confused" on the street corner --blissing out as much as I can in new skin absorbing the pink and orange and turquoise and blue and copper-golden light rays coming into my amazing eyes. I deeply wish to just be.

Who are they to judge if I am incongruent to the world? Why can I not just stand peacefully on the sidewalk looking at the sunset? Why must I be pestered. Sure I'm in a mental state that is all my own--my own particularly lonely naked contemplation about spiritual materialism while grieving basic things such as no family. I am odd indeed to a person who has never experienced family-less-ness, odd to someone not trying to grasp nuances of spiritual materialism, odd to someone who has pimples on their young face, odd to someone who doesn't get high from looking at a sunset. My brain gets stunned by colors. Little construction workers in my brain partician new rooms with light collection vessels for my memory.

"Coppery poufs are enough to make me want to get through one more day of living hell so leave me the F-alone"

I live for ephemeral coppery poufs and live music dying moments after it has been created---what other medicine for the spirit is there?

I'm an invisible person and I gravitate to the fleeting!

Now don't I sound crazy y'all?

I wonder if I may have lost my sanity. When I dress up to go to an esteemed position job, following the dress code, adhering slightly to the preferred colors of death-black, gray, and beige, going up into a high rise building, working efficiently and accurately for years....no person would stop to ask if I was okay--they would think "she is someone and she is doing something".

Why can't I be a nobody doing nothing logical-- is that so wrong?

Can I be a b@tch in the same way people have been b@tches to me? Can I just say "I'm looking at the sunset idiot!"

I wish I had an inner new-yorker. What's it to you! Can't a grown woman stand on a hill over looking a beautiful view without being interupted by a dim-wit such as yourself!!

my defeat is a personal matter, it means nothing to the world

My survival is MY SURVIVAL

Meh:
Today, instead of making coffee in the morning I decided to use the single crunched dollar I found that was dropped in front of the  door to get some coffee in a cafe circumventing the epileptic "recovering" alcoholic blabber whose emergency of course turned out to be a non-emergency.

In the cafe I opened the book I bought at a used book store about untraditional family, a children's book. I covered a few of the story titles because I felt ashamed for being an adult reading a kids book. I believe I have to have an excuse to read a childs book, like I must be reading it to a kid to justify it. So I read my kid's book all by my adult self and almost cried three times but since I was in a public place I didn't. I'm not sure what about reading the book made me tear up but there it is- oh yah I remember, one of the sayings was about how a person is wonderful if they are loved by at least one other person.

The book also made me laugh out loud at least two times.

Meh:
Independence & Belonging.

In both of these areas I was developmentally delayed or challenged or something. I did not get the independence right or the belonging right as a child and it's even harder getting it right as an adult "grown-up".

There was a coupon for scoops of gourmet icecream so that was my hightlight for the day.

Mainly my day was unremarkable.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page