Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..
Meh:
Tonight listened to live music, now sleepy, walked in the night rain, saw a bright blue light like a transformer and a noise and then guys laughing, winding down for sleep and wondering what I feel.
Checking in with my SELF there is business. Busy bee.
Back is sore that is mainly what I noticed today in meditation.
Awkward and shame.
Tried a new kind of meditation practice, it was boring and I will probably do it again because I have an affinity for boring at times, thousands of people have done it for hundreds or thousands of years....sheesh I don't know. The do know says just don't worry about it and continue.
I shouldn't write this at all but I will, it crossed my mind what it would be like living from one place to the next place and so on as a way of life and existence on this earth. I think it's dangerous and I have fear and it's not my plan but my plans don't always work out and maybe some combination of things in my life has "snapped" so to speak. Partially me partially sick of a crap economy and a crap looking future. There is part of me that wants to "give up" on trying to be more normal and the main motivator that opposes me giving up is sheer fear.
I plan to wake up and read a few more stories out of my children's book while I have coffee till it's read through every single story. I even shared one of the poems with one of the sorority sisters here.
What was rich and fullfilling today? The music and the night rain the odd offer to take a cooking class that I turned down because I ran out of time to do it. The odd offer a young lady in beauty school made to me to give me a manicure and pedicure so she could practice!
Me observing life in it's strange moments- my psychologist "acquaintance" behaving badly.
And when I was purchasing a plant start that is an Asian herb not typically found here in the US for growing. The woman who works at the plant nursery that ordered it didn't even know what it was and she asked me since I was going to buy it and then I started telling her what it tastes like and how it is cooked and how it's used raw and even that I have read research articles about the health benefits of it and it is being researched for disease treatments.....it felt so good being knowledgeable about something, I've been feeling like I am not an expert on anything with all of this interest and skill assessment stuff.
I wanted to be an herbalist of sorts since I was a little girl and a teenager. I feel like my aura changes when I'm around plants a complete shift. So I was thinking how much I love plants but then the relationship ends in me munching on them. :( :lol:
I apologized to my Asian herb today while walking saying "I love you but I have to eat you" after I tickled my face with it's leaves.
Talking to the community about the strange smell in the air the past couple of days, speculation and then getting an answer from someone on the third ask. The joy of other people noticing the change in the environment also. I planted some dill plants. I decided that I will drink more water, it's the laziest health-positive step I could take. I did drink more water today.
Meh:
When is learning or confirming with other people's story useful or not useful.
Is something useful even if it's painful. Is it closer to truth to stay with the pain.
I've been considering reading a book that I figure I'm going to relate to but I'm doubting it also, I may be torturing myself my reading it, it no doubt will have another's persons oppinion about this type of suffering and it will not be kind in light...it would be "gritty" as they like to say and it's fine for the author to write gritty stuff about another's life but what about the author writing their own grit and judging their own suffering?
The judgement of suffering......and identification with the sufferer.....and then the sufferer's suicide...
Do I really need to fill my mind with this stuff...well maybe not.
Maybe it's healthy to cover wounds with scabs and avoidance and that is what a healthy person would do I think actually.
Meh:
So today someone was semi-passed out on the floor, I saw her, another woman motioned to me to come over like "Hey shouldn't we do something"...or rather....." hey look at this...are you going to do something about it"....
I didn't walk over to the women I made a hand motion of "screw that".
So I went off on my way to leave and go find a musical instrument to make some noise on, exactly what I did- made some music.
The wonderful part of it now is the next time there is a problem belonging to someone else maybe they won't be looking at me to respond to it.
I guess when there is a problem I FEEL like it's my problems sometimes. Even when the problem is not mine.
I wonder if walking away from other people's chronic crisis is a form of Voicefulness. Clearly other's were waiting on me to do something before they themselves did anything about it. WHY SHOULD I have to be that person, IF I don't wish to be involved. There is some sort of social ettiquette that I have been unlearning. The social ettiquette that says I always have to do the "good" thing for other people EVEN when they are not doing the "good" thing for themselves.... I don't know.
There are so many times my brother almost "did himself in"...and yet he still remainds in this world of his own accord as much as he is willing to be in this world as an alcoholic who doesn't give a F about anybody else but himself.
So yeah, I don't want to give a F about all those people who don't give a flyin F about anyone else.
By the time I got back someone else had delt with the situation, paramedics showed up yada yada....woman pissed on the floor....yada...yada...
I decided that I don't have to be the responsible tattle tale all the time.
Felt good to walk away frankly from someone who is not my friend.
That's not the whole of my day...there are lots of mundane bits in there. Contemplated not doing one of my volunteer gigs in exchange for a more fun activity. Very unlike me to not show up, to be irresponsible yet I think I shall skip the volunteer gig with the unappreciative person. Heck, there are plenty other volunteers who don't make their volunteering a priority.
Well, I guess it all depends on the weather.
I guess the question statement to self is : TO BE RESPONSIBLE TO MY OWN GREATER WELLBEING.
If I walk away from what I think is Bull-cr@p enough times will I eventually find the non-Bull Cr@p.
Certainly my DO-KNOW is firmly planted in the area of non-Bull-poopy.
I don't want to be the hall monitor. I don't want to be the crossing guard. I don't want to be anybody's mommy except for me.
That last bit feels like a powerful statement to me.
I want to be the person who is not stuck with something that is just happening right there. I want to be biking with a friend, dancing, playing music, pic-nicing, working a job that is worth doing, I want to be moving my body and not get fat, I want to go to a class where I learn something. Learn almost anything. Feel a little bit unenriched right now. You can throw some seeds in there but if the soil is bad all that will grow are weeds.
There is a good survival strategy in being like a weed. There is also a down side to becoming like a weed.
Be like a weed, indiscriminately grow where you don't belong and are unwanted, choke out other plants and proliferate as much as you possibly can, be very difficult to get rid of, survive in poor soil, display unremarkable flowers, produce no sweet fruit, be inedible.
Meh:
Last night was the night from HELL. I didn't get any sleep and my anxiety level is pretty much through the roof.
There was a woman who looks like a zombie with a gigantic bruise or something on her face? Talking incoherently and slurred to herself. Tried to get at me last night 2:30 AM but no way in heck was I asleep I was ready for her.
The lame security person thought she would sleep it off but she is on some serious toxic substance. She is figeting around 24 hours a day, exposing herself.
So this is just a three day survival weekend. Luckily numerous people have been complaining about her. I just happened to notice the impending problem weeks ago.
Stupid director is no where to be found on the three day weekend while I spent the night with Zombie. YEAH I've seen real zombies.
She urinated on the carpet. Sorry, I'm just so tired and fearful and angry right now.
Finially as predicted she nearly started a fire because she can't be unsupervised. So someone complained about that.
She turned on a sink and let the water over flow and flood the floor. Duh.
I just hate when I wonder "how bad does it have to get"
Thats it for now.
As it turns out I didn't volunteer at all as scheduled I didn't even contact them yet. I spent the day trying to come up with a plan for a safe place to get some sleep.
Meh:
Zombie woman is kicked out. I used some voicefulness with that.
Today I watched a thunder storm while sitting under an awning just giving myself time to reach equilibrium after the nightmare weekend. Couple of days ago I broke down crying outside of a grocery store and at least a couple people were turning their heads in their cars as they were driving through the parking lot to look at me, I must have looked pretty distressed. It came from the stress of being around sick and unsafe people.
Tired now.
Tomorrow has to be 100% chop wood and carry water, no nonsense.
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