Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..
Meh:
One day a few weeks ago I saw my mother with a baby belonging to "friends of the family". The baby tumbled over and my N-mother was the closest to the baby while the two parents were a little ways away. It was interesting to watch because my mother failed to pick up and comfort the baby she dismissed it and said "she's ok". I could sense the parents concern to protect the baby and my mother did not have that instinct at all. It was a small moment of awkwardness because my N-mother is viewed as a grandmother like figure to this child. It's really the only time I have ever seen my mother interact with a baby.
Meh:
At some point in my life I will be free of my mother's Narcissism because I will be successful with the no-contact tactics.
I do question why my mother becomes angry when I don't contact her, I know it is a power thing. Since she has never attempted to cultivate a real relationship with me that is based on trust and respect it makes me wonder what is the bond that we have and why is that bond hard to break? Maybe it could be classified as a codependent thing I don't know.
I wonder why she insists on maintaining a "relationship with me" because she clearly does not like me at all.
In a childish way I fantasize about when my Nar-mother is older and she can't wheel herself around in a wheelchair and I think about how I'm going to refuse to help her. I know it is immature and I know it is pointless and it does mean I want to retaliate against her and be like "look I can do it too".
So I guess I'm still mad at her a little but at the same time I think I'm getting over the mad slowly to a "I just don't give a crap"
Meh:
I really don't have the time or energy to write anything meaningful here. I just feel like I need to keep some sort of connection to this place.
My mother is still in my life and beyond that I am alienated from the rest of my relatives in a mutual way. I think I have avoided them because of their negative impact on my life and they have avoided me out of a disinterest in my life.
So without having family or friends or significant other, I'm left to be with myself. That state is not all bad but it is tiresome.
My mother has put me through so much crap, it use to hurt my feelings but at this point I roll my eyes and ignore her. I just wish my relatives and other people would experience her the way I do and since nobody can confirm to me my experience I still come here and write.
I don't really wish to write so much about my personal life because it looks like a failure. I'm staying at a shelter and still looking for a job. I'm thinking about moving to a different area where I might be more likely to find work.
Hopalong:
This is beautiful, MB -- really spoke something true to me.
--- Quote ---I stood up for myself I know I did because afterwards I got that feeling of my body being more solid
--- End quote ---
hug,
Hops
Meh:
Thanks, Hops.
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