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Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..

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sKePTiKal:
It's not just you, MB...

I have about as stressless an environment as one could have... yet I still have emotional crap energy bleeding across into the physical realm... and if I don't find a physical way to release it, I eventually get sick. I wish I could figure out how to notice and deal with it (whatever "it" is) where it belonged, before that happened, you know?

Meh:
Thats what I mean about stress. It is easy to attribute it to SOMEthing but difficult to tell with accuracy exactly how it's generating.
Of course Buddhists would probably say it's self-generated. It’s a challenge to sit there and chant "no possessions, no honor, no body, no mind" and believe it because I have a body and I want to be healthy and if we didn't have minds we would never try to meditate in the first place but that’s just Buddhism, there are other forms of meditation.

When I was in high- school I gave a presentation about stress reduction! And here I am...many years later and STILL I'm a bit baffled by it, it sounds like many people are in the same boat!

Meh:
Ok, So I'm going to write it anyways here because I just want to, I live in my own world in my own head and the parts of my life that actually intersect with other people are quite limited. I don't have anyone to complain to. The place where I am staying is warm and has a hot shower and is secure so that is pretty great. It's like having room-mates though, the kinds of room mates you just ended up with but didn't want to have as room mates. There is a young woman here who has been vocally going through a break up with her boyfriend. There’s no real privacy here, every person hears every thing that is said. So her boyfriend accused her of giving him herpes. Then I see one woman giving this other woman a tube of lotion for herpes infections.....and I myself have had some symptoms that I haven’t had before (in my mouth), so I am thinking to myself--did I possibly catch this from the shower knob or a bar of soap or an eating utensil. Technically the virus is only suppose to stay alive for about 20 seconds outside of the body, but I have read that inanimate objects if they are wet or warm, or if a utensil has food particles left on it then the virus may stay alive in that kind of environment. People can get it from towels. So...I'm somewhat pissed off....but there is not a lot I can do about it now.

I'm old enough that I'm not going to freak out if I have it. It's just that I have had about as much romantic action as a nun gets and it would just be one more insult on top of everything else.

I feel like I'm too old and responsible to have to deal with this crap.

So I made a doctors appointment at a community health clinic. So they can tell me one way or another and I won't have to act like a hypochondriac any longer. I can let it go and deal with it if I know what I'm dealing with, I hope. I'm pretty good at self diagnosis, based on what I've seen and read about symtoms I would say that I have it because I felt tingling in my lip (prodromal) symptom...that I have never had before. I don't have anything on my lips that look like typical herpes lesions- but I have had some areas inside my mouth that look abnormal to me. So I'm wondering is this from this person not washing her dishes well enough?

I'm a person who will hover over a toilet seat if I can instead of sitting on it.
I always wash my hands before I eat if there is a sink nearby.
The last job I had all of my co-workers got the flu but I didn't because I'm usually fastidious about hygiene.
Catching herpes from some random object was the furthest thing from my mind lately.
I even wear flip-flops into the shared shower.

This is why I need a little bit of Buddhism to remind me that no matter what sort of crummy stuff happens...all we are is dust in the wind.

Oh well.

Then again, maybe I don't have it because I just bent over and looked at a little red bump on my big toe and screamed (to myself) I even have herpes on my toes! And that is just me being crazy...so I laugh (ha ha).....oh but wait that is called herpetic whitlow. I give up. This really is too much self absorbed worry. I might start inspecting every hair folicle on my legs. OR NOT!  

I'm going to the doctor, I made an appointment earlier today. Unfortunately I also want to apply for a job there. OH WELL AGAIN!!  :)

I just hope they answer my questions with concrete answers, everything I might have is non-fatal, common and diagnosable.

Meh:
I have to GET TO volunteer tomorrow again, I have one pair of nice black pants with me, I didn't want to wear the exact same thing so I went out and found a new tunic-top for $2.00 it wasn't even used. It's not something I would normally wear but sometimes I enjoy being forced just to make do and be creative. It's a shirt that looks like a sewing project I had going on, a little bit pear-shaped maternity looking but the pattern is sort of springy. I'm forced just to look at the shirt and know that somebody did make it, there was effort put into sewing it together...so I thought about it from the perspective of-- if I sewed it myself. I'm going to wear it with black pants or jeans and try to look as good as I can and go to my little volunteer gig.

When I have volunteered in the past the roles were pretty basic, passive and "behind the scenes" such as sorting food items, so I'm surprised to find that the roles available to me now are much more active roles.

I wasn’t sure if I would be able to volunteer because my experience in the past has been to be put on a very long waiting list.
So when I was first looking into volunteering I contacted two places. Both places want me to volunteer. I hope that I don't over extend myself, I still need to leave time for work. I just wish I could work part time and volunteer the rest of the time.
So the interview I had today for the second volunteer situation would involve coordinating art projects with kids and doing things like "story time". I'm pretty shy so I don't know how public story time would work for me....but it sounds kind of fun really.

I really am that shy that I don't like to give any kind of public speeches/ talks or whatever even kid's story time is sort of like a public speech...for little people. :) ...Oh well.  

I enjoy kids books because there are so many great illustrators and writers who are making these now, I'm really impressed with the variety and quality of the children's books I've seen. I grew up with the hungry caterpillar but besides that I don't remember too much out there. I'm just rambling now. I think that being around kids is an excuse to be in touch with the inner child or something like that.

Meh:
I come here to vent, I realize that maybe it even sounds Narcissistic to come here and write out all my problems, the thing is I don't share my life with anyone, I don't tell all the people around me all of my thoughts because that would mean entering into conflict with other homeless people or something like that- many of them have substance abuse issues etc.--I just don't put it out there, I keep me to me.

I find it helpful just to write it out because then I don't feel so isolated maybe.

People share so many non-important insignificant things with their families and such on a daily basis. Someone to share the minutia with.

~ If you are reading this whoever you may be PRAY for me to get a job ok? Even a good one that leaves a little time left over to continue with the volunteer work would be way beyond my expectations but would be great.

I'm so tired my mind just went blank. Good night.

Oh, I remember, my other "impending doom" that worries are made of.....is that I can't stay where I am at for more then a month unless I do get a job soon! I know that I'm being considered for at least a couple of jobs because I have been in contact via email with employers where I applied...but still I don't have a great feeling about it. I don't want to move really because I'm just starting to get involved in activities here.
Then again maybe I will end up some place "cleaner".....I have no idea sometimes....as much as I try to plan and have a normal schedule I DON'T KNOW!!!! Sometimes I'm just all out of ideas and energy...G'Night.

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