Oh Bear,
I could be the one who wrote your first post in this thread. I so feel everything you say, and somehow it helps me not to feel so alone. How can another person have such exact feelings to my own? Is that really possible?
I too have a steering wheel, and a monitor, and a pillow, and a wife who have heard it all again and again. I too have children - one only 2yrs old as of last week, and parents who I have not seen in over a year now in person except for one mishap at a Christmas program - and they have sent extravagant amounts of gifts for her to overcompensate at Christmas. I and my wife - sent them back however.
I wonder at times, about the final result here. Is my - or our life rather - improved, by being NC.. what could have been, etc...
I too see the truth that you see. My mother, and my father as her co - now clearer than ever, have illustrated for me that there is no way I could have ever won, whether near to, or far from them. THe result is always the same. I am illustrated to the world, and to themselves as the evil, (only) son, called angry, and accused of hating them, keeping my children from them, etc. etc. poor them. They perpetuate an image - and that image is more important than anything to them. To the point that they've slandered my and my wife's charachter from here to Timbuktu - (Im in MI, USA - so thats far) and destroyed numerous relationships without care at all. I can never win, and I never could have. THere is nothing I can say to their ranting messages, and the lies they tell to others. Nothing. Nothing i can say or do. Voiceless.
I actually start to get short of breath just thinking about it.
IS my life improved from being apart from them... hmm.. like you I felt smothered before, as did my wife. I knew that they were saying things about my wife and i behind our backs before - but it was easier to not face that reality then. I knew that they loved only themselves then, but when they were smiling at me it was easier for me to subconciously prtend that they were somewhat normal - and that made me more able to go about my life not thinking about this or them every day. I was lying to myself.
These days, it is difficult. My wife and children and I have endured over a year of raging from them, and the worst disrespect I could have imagined. Lie after lie. accusation after acusation. I personally have endured 37 years as of this month - 19 yrs as an adult, of endless madness with them. situatuation after situation, time and again. Through my first marriage it was the same with them. They were one of the reasons my first wife and I split up. The stress was that enourmous.
YEt still, I spend so much time every day now - like background processes running on a computer - these thoughts about all of this wear on my resources, and my ability to concentrate, and to be effective. Sometimes I think maybe this was all a terrible mistake, and other times it's as clear as can be - this is a battle - the battle for my own independance from them, and there is no thing more valuable than your own self respect, and your soverignty. This is a battle for me - to accept and live in the truth - of what they, and I myself are/am. This is an opportunity for me to recognize and break those patterns in me if they exist - which I would not have had, if I did not take the painful step to accept the truth of who they are, and to see them from the outside. If I did not give them time to show their real face, and watch them try to destory me when I did not respond, perhaps I would not have seen it as I do now. Maybe I would not have seen the urgency to make sure I am not perpetuating any of their behavior.
It's hard. That's what I can tell you. EVery day I wonder about it. I can also tell you that you are not alone - and that I personally would welcome talking about this more - here or in the private messages on this site. Anytime.
I think sometimes that I've finally gotten it under control within myself. When I can laugh at it a bit, and not focus on it so much. But its right then that I get ambushed - by some comment, or a letter, or a carefully manipulated friend of theirs who unknowingly carries a message to me.
I wonder too, about when they die. Will I get past this then? I dont know. It may sound horrible, but at this point, if I got the call tomorrow, I think I might feel relief in some sense.
The thing there is that - if they can never hear anything I say - and they wont ever - and I have all of these things I would like to tell them, and straighten out, but never can - when they die, I will become terminally voiceless. Bottled up permanently.
Ah yeah. Tomorrow is another day. I dont expect any change.
Hang in there. You are not alone. Not in the least.
-SF
