Hi (((((Flower))))),
I can just sense how painful this is. And I know what my Nmom's stupid tactics do to me for a week or two after. It stays with you. You wonder what they are thinking, what they are trying to prove this time, how far they will go to get you to react.....
I think N parents give gifts because they see it as a power act. They feel powerful giving something and expect you to regress to the kid you used to be when they first started getting you gifts. And no matter what the gift is, they expect you to love it and fall all over them with appreciation. BUT...they could never act the same when they are on the receiving end. Because when you give them a gift it makes them feel like you are trying to be in control of them - because that is why they give you gifts....
It's a vicious circle!
I learned a valuable lesson from my 15 year old son in October. My Nmom sent him a card with a letter saying she couldn't talk to him on his 15th birthday because I wouldn't let her. I was enraged for a couple weeks because it was a lie and she knew it.
But now that I've had time to think about it, I gained some perspective of how to handle the next situation.
My Nmom sent him a check and the letter in the card. He read the letter, laughed, threw it on the ground and said "I don't care what she says, she sent me money and I'm gonna spend it. I don't care about her but I really want the money".
Some responded when I wrote that then about how I maybe shouldn't let the kids be bought by the money. But as I watched my son, he really didn't give a sheat about what she said. He never gave her another thought. But he had a blast spending the money - it was only $25.00 but he had money to spend.
So I decided to take a kids perspective the next time. Keep what I want, forget about the rest, enjoy myself.
If my Nparents want to spend their time trying to provoke me, let them waste their time that way. Using my time to fret about it is exactly what they want. If I can be more like my kids and use the Ns when it is to my benefit, like they have done to me all my life, but cut out the emotions, I am a happier person.
I will be challenged with Christmas coming, but I don't think it will be too difficult. I know they will send the kids money. I know they will try to get at me with letters and crap. They may even send us money as they have in past years. One year I was so angry at them I sent back the check they gave my H and I. But they never mentioned it later so I didn't even know how they felt about getting it back. They just ignored it as they do other uncomfortable situations.
So if they send money again, by god, I'll spend it and have fun. I will spend it on things they would absolutely disapprove of and laugh at their insanity of trying to bring me back to being their child.
