Here's an answer I need, and double....

[Izzy_*now*]

all ideas welcome...

Back on MAY 11, 1991,  just a-prancin' onta 20 years ago was when my D'ter's N husband kicked me off his property and my life ended, so to speak, as I was threatened as well with a bullet through my head if I set wheelchair foot back on his property. 1st gr'son was 4½ and gr'd'ter was 2. I had looked after them from g'son's birth until that day and upon dismissal by 'his nibs', my heart broke to never heal again. TWENTY years.

On my birthday, April 28/92, at 53, I took a chance and drove out to see the two kids. I was not shot!! D'ter was expecting the 3rd. I didn't notice, as I stayed in my car and the 2 kids sat in it with me and we talked about school and how their place had burned to the ground. D'ter didn't say anything to me and gave birth to #3, the 2nd boy on June 13/92--yep 1½ months later.

Even before she left his nibs, the N, I was still out of the picture and in stepped my SISTER, no g'kids yet and hung around mine all the time... drove 3-4 hours to get there, take them all out for lunch, and after D'ter left the N, never came toddlin' on another 45 minutes to see me. I was angry and never understood. SIS would come get them and take them back to her place for a weekened where they had a bathtub and soapsuds. I saw the pictures. Sis showed them to me and I could have one-upsided her in the head, but didn't. I had cried myself out. I was jealous and furious. ( She is the one who brought my 5 yr. old D'ter in 1969 to the hospital to see me, ONLY ONCE in the year I was away from her.)

I never saw my D'ter and the 3 kids., but I really tore a strip off my sister....coming to see them and she didnt come to see me? What was her agenda? I never really got over it, as she never saw that she had done anything wrong and thought Í would be grateful that someone cared enough to "attend" to them. My eldest is now 24 and her eldest g 'child is 14.

We never spent time together as I moved out west with 'MY' N and had my 4 years of trials and survived until she came out last year after my accident. After going home she was diagnosed with cancer and she is apparently well and will require tests for the next 5 years, while I am still healing and heading into claim settling!

AND
=======

Here we are all these years later and history is repeating itself.

Now my D'ter is out as a lesbian, her children all grown, 18, 22, and 24, with her partner's still little ones 2, 4 and 6 roughly, and who is D'ter writing to?.............SIS!!!!.... and what does Sis tell me?--------------that she hears from my D'tr, but never tells me anything, yet she hears from me and tells my daughter.

I let her have it in an email today and she will NEVER hear another personal thing about me, as she said she knows things about me and knows thing about my D'ter and is saying nothing, yet she said she is tellin my D'ter I am in good spirits and doesn't even say that much to me about D.

----so I told her there was no way I can be in good spirits, going through this again and that I resented it.---- with her rubbing my nose in the fact that my d'ter still won't respond to my emails

(I hate this bouncing window for typing!)

I told Karla today that there was no way D'ter and the kids are receiving 50% of my estate when I die, and I am working out a way to give it in the right places before, so that when I do die, I will have so little that their 50% will be peanuts!

What is the way to describe this sister of mine who can be so cruel to me? An N?

It's 4:00 AM and I have been on this all this time, and all I can surmise re my D'ter is that she knew I disapproved of her N husband, that she knew I loved those kids and I was shut out, and now I have accepted her as a lesbian and not so much as a thank you or an email to let me know how life is--- not that I'm nosy, just that I'd like to know how they manage.

I swear that I am glad that I have comparmentalized all her shenanigans., or I would be in the loony bin.

What say yáll? Why would a sister do this? Twice/(3 times) in 20 years.

Give me some words I haven't learned yet!

xx

Izzy

[Twoapenny]

Oh Izzy ((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))

I think it's all about control, and selfishness - that feeling of stepping into the void - look at me, look how great I am and look how I'm doing what you aren't able to and I'm going to let you know I'm doing it just so I can feel good about you feeling bad.

Words fail me, and I don't think I have any that you don't already know   I was ill when my son was little and my sister took care of him.  She looked after him well, don't get me wrong, but there was no sense of any understanding of how painful it was for the two of us to be apart, or what it took for me to stand there smiling and waving at him as she drove him off in the car.  I can still see his little face looking back at me now and it tore me up more than I can ever describe.  I think that some of them just don't have empathy - they can't put themselves in someone else's situation and imagine that they might be in pain.  They see things in practical terms rather than emotional, perhaps?   Which doesn't make it right at all - makes me think of robots rather than people.  I'm kind of seeing the family situation playing out with my sister and her daughter now, in the same way it did with us and our mum - history repeating itself is really scary.  I hope someone else has got some good advice for you because these crazies are really just beyond me.

((((((((((((((((Izzy)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[sKePTiKal]

Iz, m'dear...

I hear the hurt under your words. The "what did I do to get treated like this"??
The answer would be nothing at all... and the solution, well - let's start with hugs first. It's not fair, plain and simple.

This situation sounds a lot like what happens on the playground, with a small group of 3 girls. I've seen this happen lots of times - even with myself and 2 D's. Someone ends up "the odd man out" and "not included"; feelings are hurt; sometimes the troika dissolves completely... and former friends become enemies. I don't know why, but 3 is the magic number for this kind of thing.

But when it's family - especially immediate family - there's one more aspect to the situation, I find. Note that this is just my personal way of dealing with and explaining the same kind of thing, OK? It may/may not work for you or even apply.

I expect others to "play by the rules of fairness" that I do. I expect that my close family would know me well enough to know what I need; want; in the way of relationship - and that they'd want it too or be able to compromise in a fair way. Just as I would mother someone else in a situation - I EXPECT the same back. That's the ideal, right? That's what we're taught that family should be like, right? Siblings standing up for and alongside us, supporting us, in our life trials and tribulations. Daughters and moms knit together into almost one unit. Blood is thicker than water, right?

I am coming to believe that this ideal is someone's wishful thinking; fiction; that it might've happened once upon a time... and someone else saw that singular event and decided hey - this would make a really good marketing theme; an image of how families are.... I can sell that! You know? And so we got the "Leave it to Beaver" picture of one happy, loving family... and just like girls grow up dreaming that their wedding day will be all perfect, Disney-princess, and hubby will be the perfect man and they'll live in a cute cottage with a white picket fence and have happy, perfect babies...

I've dubbed this: "white picket fence" syndrome... sarcastically, of course. Another way to name it would be "Expectations"... which will fall somewhere on a scale from none to unrealistically high. I think we all build our dreams and wants into the expectation, unconsciously, and when reality doesn't match that - there's that sense of disappointment; being cheated out of what "could", and maybe what we think "should" be...

and then, we find our own personal way of dealing with it. NC, is one way... punishing ourselves, another; blaming our self for not being "acceptable" in the relationship... and some struggle on & on & on & on trying to get a different result from the same expectation, refusing to accept the real conditions, the obvious in the other person/people... some of us are emotional contortionists and will attempt to become pretzel-fied ourselves, IF ONLY it helps get our expectation met. (I think I've been through all these.)

SIGH....

I've decided that it's the expectation that is the problem; the thorn in my side. And if I can give up expecting that my family thinks like I do about fairness... automatically loves me for who I am... and will look out for my best interests and care about what I care about...

... well, it still doesn't feel "great", but it doesn't hurt as much and I'm not as surprised the next time they prove to me, that this is who/what they are. It helps me create a reality-based "baseline" about the relationships... and sometimes, shows me a direction or path down which I can proceed with them - AS LONG AS - I don't let those old expectations creep back into thinking. The repeats - the history repeating itself - is usually due to my deep down hanging on to those old expectations, unconsciously (I don't know that we can help ourselves... or really learn to let this go; we all want this connection instinctively). What I can do, though, is reaffirm my baseline - what I've observed about bioNic mom or GS Bro, what I know without a doubt about them - and then, adjust my expectation accordingly. I can teach myself to remember - what I know beyond a shadow of a doubt.

SO: with your sister and D... it's just possible that your sister felt she "knew the best way" to help you recover and didn't think it was good for your D to see you like that; scary for her... and that as a consequence, they developed a relationship with each other. Even tho each of them has a relationship (or did) with you separately - their relationship with each other existed(s) sans Izzy. And Izzy expects them to see how this would be unfair to her... and to consider what Izzy wants... to know what that is... and they're not hearing this. Just like there is voicelessness... there is a kind of delusional denying deafness, too. It's worst in Ns, for sure - but we all do this to a lesser degree - when we're uncomfortable with some fact or piece of reality.

When we're conquering voicelessness... a lot of times we learn to tell others how we feel. That is even a huge, huge step forward... but with those who are deaf to us we have to go one step further... and that is to clearly and assertively tell them what we want. With Ns, not even that is any guarantee - my bro has literally laughed and said "I don't give rat's ass what you want". But with people who aren't all that N... this is quite helpful and one thing it helps for me, is to bring my unconscious expectations down to earth, within myself.

Anyway... like I said at the top of this long-winded explanation... this is how I explain this to myself and it helps. I get used to - over time - not expecting my mom to ever ask a single question about me and my life, so I just let her talk when she calls. It's who she is. I'm still struggling with dealing with my brother; he's so disconnected from reality I'm not sure anything will get through to him until his own self-interest is threatened. I'm hoping to show him that my self-interest is his, too... but I really don't expect him to get that; to understand it. So if this next attempt fails... well, it's back to the drawing board and starting to set up ways to protect myself from his denial, delusion, and disconnect.

[Izzy_*now*]

Thank you all for your input,

When I was 1st injured in '69, and Sis had D'ter for 2½ months and brought her only once, I somehow think that I was no longer seen as being able to be a mother to a 5 yr. old, 6 a year later when I came home to set up housekeeping again.

There were a number of times that Sis came and took D'ter for a weekend and bought her new clothes, dresses etc, for school. D'tr once said, to me, that she wished Sis didn't, as she was a slacks and tops person. I gathered Sis was trying to turn her into what her girls were like (not the lesbian thing yet.) and D'ter would appreciate her for it, as would I. I didn't. I felt like a failure. Yes, she was perhaps trying to be a substitute mother, even though I was there at all times. Perhaps she did worm her way into a special part of my D's heart and gave her something I didn't/couldn't, being disabled---or maybe it's 'safer' with someone not your mother if "something is gnawing at your innards".

Sis responded today and asked me how I would feel if I had been told by my mother that I would no longer be her POA or Executor---which was my last email (geographic expanse between us) to Dtr. I said "joyous", to be rid of the responsibility, and the strange thing is that Sis was that for our Mom along with Bro, but Sis lived 200 miles away, not 2000, so she left it all to my Bro to do because of the distance.  (The chickens came home to roost, on that 'test'.)

Maybe she is just looking for things I possibly had done wrong, and considers herself better than I am. I told her to tell my D'ter to Grow up and for Sis to tend to her own family.

She had brushed it off as though there was nothing for me to be upset about, the fault being my email re POA. It's time to slow right down on what I tell her.

Any more ideas still welcome.

xx
Izzy

[Twoapenny]

Hi Izzie,

I think your sis needs to mind her own business.  Your will, your estate, your life, your family, etc, etc, etc, is nothing to do with her.  The thing that always really baffles me with wills and those sorts of things is why anyone else thinks they should be entitled to something they haven't earnt?  Your estate, and how it's managed, is exactly that - yours.  It's down to you to decide who sorts what out, who deals with what thing, who gets what and so on.  No-one has a right to expect anything - it's yours.  And your daughter is a grown up and therefore capable of speaking for herself.  If she has a question or a problem she could do what grown ups do and get in touch and ask you herself!  Why is your sis speaking on her behalf?  Jeeze!

I think you are absolutely right to slow down on what you tell her.  Sometimes I'm a little bit naughty - my step-brother - who I don't have contact with other than when I bump into him from time to time - is right in with my parents and incredibly nosy, so he always asks loads about what me and my son are doing so he can report back to them.  Usually I just side step the questions and get away as quickly as I can, but sometimes I tell him something untrue, like I've just bought a new car or been to Spain for two months - just because I know he'll tell them and it will drive them nuts trying to figure out how I've managed to afford it   Sometimes nosy people can be fun!  Tee hee! xx

[sKePTiKal]

Hi Iz... I didn't want to bring up the "disabled" issue - because even through the pixels in cyberspace it's plain as day that this isn't an "obstacle" for you, to me that is. You're living a normal and full life - in spite of. Other people might not see it that way... and right after the first accident, I'm sure there was some uncertainty about how much mobility you'd have, how you'd adapt, and how you'd feel emotionally after all the dust had settled. Some people would think only that your life burdens had increased so much... it would be that much harder for you, being a parent, too... and they'd butt in to help (waving over here - I'm a great buttinsky)... and do more than they were asked to... tiptoeing across the normal boundaries. I get really nervous when I'm told this kind of person "means well"... you know? I meant well too - many times - and only made things worse.

The POA issue sounds like a communication misunderstanding - from your seat, you were thinking in terms of practicality - the geo-distance between you and your D and you were actually trying to relieve her of this obligation, right? But had you and she talked about this - the pros & cons & hypothetical situations pre-decision - previously? It seems that your D was really willing to drop everything and run to you, if needed, to fill that role for you... if she's now upset about the lifting of that responsibility. The Ds don't like having this conversation in the first place - at their age, the topic of mortality is one of those "it happens to other people" things they don't have to deal with. They also don't want to contemplate a world without MOM in it. Even though they're living grown up lives of their own... they rely on the fact that "mom" is still there for them; it's a comfort.

The executor of the will is something completely different. I'm starting to walk through that minefield of decisions myself... and there ARE a lot of good reasons to recommend that a non-family member be in charge of this. Does your D know those reasons? And how she will be protected? How much WORK it is to execute a will? It's been 6 mos since MIL died, and hubs and his bro are still dragging their feet about completing "step 1" to executing her will. It's too final; too much letting go too fast, for them. I get that, so I'm staying out of it now. I'll let their sister step into the "reminder" role...

... hubs and I walked through a software version of the types of decisions that have to made. And it's damned emotional. We're talking the "for real" final arrangements, those wishes/wants, etc. that one wants for oneself. It's like "last call to speak out for yourself", you know? Except that, up until one can't speak for oneself - it's still possible to change one's mind. Well, emotions and feelings don't always stay with the present moment and deal with "what is right now"... they like to drift back to the past a lot rather than forward into the future... but this is distracting; confusing; and I think possibly not relevant to the "present moment" when making these last decisions.

What I wanted, when oldest D was 10 and she engineered a situation for her and her sis, to live with Dad instead of me... is completely irrelevant to our relationship now... and also what I want now. Wants do change over time. Old wounds do heal, things are let go of... and don't matter anymore. It might sound scary-N to focus so much on one's "wants"... but I think it's really appropriate in the context of preparing estate documents. Who ELSE but ourselves will know what we want?

I don't know about you Iz, but for me this is opening a whole new landscape - no one (including me) ever cared about what I wanted, so I have a real hard time being sure I know what I want!! One day it'll seem that X is what I want... and then I change my mind a week later, because I see something different then. Working through these decisions first - just hubs and me - and tossing around the options and printing it out, lets me go back and re-evaluate "what I thought I wanted"... and lets me change my mind, before I start paying a lawyer for his time.

And it also breaks me free of the old programming of being low man on the totem pole in my FOO - and yet responsible for "everything" - and if I wanted something, it wasn't ever allowed to change (like how my mom thinks I should still like horses they way I did at 10 and have all the accoutrements, except the horse!!) - the important "key" here is that I'm allowed to change my mind and some people get to know why... and some don't have a "need to know". But your D, I think, is one of those people who get to know what you're thinking, what you want, and why... no matter what and how much is already gone under the bridge, right? Isn't that what you want, Iz?

Or have I got it all wrong?

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi PR,

When all is said and done (ever use that expression when all is NOT said and done?) what my life comes down to now is that I have had this second accident, will always be in some pain, and the likelihood  of going into a home is more a possibility than before this accident. At this point the POA comes into play.

It is my reasoning that it would be easier and more convenient for Karla to look after this than my D’ter. Karla’s work takes her into these homes and she sees what happens. She has seen me in action for almost 2 years and the two of us talk better than D’ter and I did when my situation was in better shape and I was younger.

My D’ter would/might have to travel 2000 miles to look after things, including Executor if it were my death she is looking after and that is some inconvenience for her, I believe., leaving her ’family’ and work (the expectant mothers who have her for a midwife and she takes off?) etc. My suggestion to Karla was just to pay the rent for one more month to deal with the Apt belonging, unless she came up with a better idea.

K and I have become good friends and really understand one another, and I don’t believe my D’ter understands at all, and I see that is partially my fault in this area because she has been POA and Executor, plus sole heir for so long now, while our relationship seemed to grow even more distant. i.e. I wouldn’t trust her to do some of the things I wish---one brought up by K being, “What would I want erased from my computers before she sold them?”

My Living Will is now included in the Will, came into effect in 2005, and K asks questions about pulling the plug.  I feel like my D’ter already has (Ha Ha!)

Without going into anymore gruesome details, it definitely makes more sense to have K on my side, a health worker, and one who works for/with all ages.

However, I have not spelled out all this reasoning and more to my D’ter. All she has to do now is wait for notice and a cheque, so to speak.  I wonder if I ought sent that explanation?

I realize as I write this, if I went into these details with her, it would appear I am looking for pity, but with K it is just a mature discussion about what happens at the end of my life.

Thanks
Izzy

[sKePTiKal]

Iz, your explanation doesn't have an ounce or even a smidgeon of seeking pity in it. It's quite practical, really.

I don't think there's any way to really predict or anticipate what your D's reaction to your explanation will be. When I told my D, that I'd made plans so that she wouldn't have to care for me in my decrepitude - she said it was like a weight had been lifted off of her. She was afraid she wouldn't be up to the task, you know? (Granted, I would be a proverbial handful!!   LOL!!)

[lighter]

Izz:

I don't know.  It makes perfect sense to appoint someone local as executor.

Somewhere in your posts, I think I read, you planned to leave 50% of your estate to your daughter and grandchildren, and make sure there wasn't much.

Did I read that correctly?  I might not have, but it sounded like you were speaking from a place of pain,and I don't want that to be your final decision, if that's not what you want to write on your child's heart when you've gone.

I'd sit back and really think about that.

What is the message Izzy wants to give to her child..... the very last message..... the only one that will be possible when all is said and done?

I've never rolled a mile in your wheelchair, but I'm always glad when I take the high road..... when I choose peace and forgiveness, over snarkiness and retribution.

If you took your daughter out of the executor role, to hurt her, that's human and I understand it.

I'd just take some time, sit down to write out a letter (long or short, whatever it needs to be) explaining everything you want your daughter to know, when you've gone.

I would remember that she was injured too,  just like your sister was injured by your FOO, and say what I really want her to hear from me.

No doubt she'll have regrets, so many things unsaid, and it will be too late to say them.

I would try to acknowledge them, and let her know how you felt.

Did you forgive her for pulling away?

Do you know she was angry for losing you?

Were you angry at your sister for handling things the way she did that long year in the hospital?

How you felt, how you grieved, how you know she did too.

All very important, IMO.

I would want her to know I tried to understand and be there.  That I forgive her for the things she did that hurt me.

That I want her to be well, and healthy and happy, and that you love her and always knew she loved you too.

If you cut her out, and I'm not saying you even considered it, if you give her half, if you give her less....... I would make sure she knew how I felt, and wasn't left with a legacy of pain and doubt and not knowing how it all ended with you.

I would give her the answers to all the questions I could anticipate she'll have, when it's too late to ask.

Izzy

ps  You can do more than just leave her money.  You can set up educational trusts for the grandkids.  That will go on and on, echoing through the years, love and care from Izz.

[Izzy_*now*]

Thanks PR,

I also told my d'tr, quite some time ago that she would not have to care for me in my old age. I expect it is a weight from her shoulders, but she never told me that.

Thanks lighter,

The POA ought to be close geographically to receive bills and pay them and pay the home. POA is not in use if I'm dead. That's when the Executor comes in and when K will erase personal things from my computers then sell them; she will know which insert plug belongs to the piano keyboard for using ear phones/microphone and which are for the recording equipment, which things she can take for herself, if she likes them and not turn into cash, return the modem to the Cable Co.....and I could go on and on....but if D'ter cannot drop a line that all is fine, she sure is not going to come out here for a month and do those piddling things for .05% of the Estate. She and the children receive 50% That is less than before as she was always sole heir. I have 3 friends in for the other 50%. My lawyer said that there is no way d'ter can contest that Will. She has not been left out, whereby she could contest it. I do not have to remember my grandchildren but I did.

Each beneficiary receives a copy of the Will and each can see who else is listed.

If you remember, I have been cleaning out 'junky things' in bits and pieces for years. Our missing friend...'changing...?... called it 'izzification'.

All the questions you asked have been answered and asked and talked to death.

My Sis and I had a set-to about 1969, in 1992, after I was dismissed by Son-in-law, 1991 and she said I told her to not bring D’ter. I had not said that. I said, in mail, which times I was face up and times face down and to not bring daughter when I was Face down. People came in and talked to the back of my head on the strycker frame. Face up I could see them and look them in the face. I don’t know how she could have misunderstood that…. So Mom goes out and 5 yr old doesn’t see her for 2½ months.

D’ter apologized and begged for forgiveness for sticking to her husband’ wishes in 1991, but an apology and begging forgiveness, which I accepted and forgave, doesn’t hold water with me when her actions didn’t change. She still didn’t come to see me and he still had his order for me to stay off the land.

Mother's Day, May 11, 1991.... twenty long years and I haven't learned to let go--well I will some day!

xx
Izzy

[sKePTiKal]

Lighter - so glad to see you posting again - and so timely and so beautifully.

I just learned my mom is in hospital - possible kidney failure - some raging infection (she's diabetic) - and even my bro has been beset: FIL died last week and his bestest friend from HS this weekend... so all my empathy buttons are "on"... and what you wrote - to me - makes SO much sense. It's what I feel in this moment.

Thank you.

[lighter]

Izz..... I'm just throwing out what my heart's throwing up. KWIM?

You always straighten me out, and I guess it helps strengthen your positions, and that's something.

I still see it this way..... when you've gone,  your daughter will still have some questions/unresolved issues/regrets.  No matter how much time you've spent going over it with her, I think her pain and stubborness might have kept her from really connecting.  At least, that's how it looks from here.

Amber.... how are you feeling about your mother's illness?

Your FIL passing?

Lighter