So, Hops... an update on me... and maybe clearer expressions of my opinion about expecting help over on your self-doubt thread. It will help me to try to write this out.
Situation with my mom, is that she's improved enough that hospital wants to release her... however her immune system has been severely compromised. She's still being treated for 2 infections and will need to continue dialysis - at this point, indefinitely - and she'll be frequently assessed. I sat with her yesterday and we babbled. On the one hand, she knows she's really sick and she's starting to slide into that child-like state: take care of me, make me feel better, why do I feel so yucky? On the other, she's challenging and fighting the treatment she's getting... because she's been too disoriented to understand what she was being told. So I prompted the Dr. to explain the connection between the kidney failure and the infections yesterday. He told her she almost died - and why.
Remember CB's son and the struggle to get him to understand what he needed to do to care for himself? Despite my mother's age and how long she's been dealing with diabetes - she still doesn't get it; doesn't accept that there are things she needs to watch out for... and with the additional mental confusion caused by these infections... she doesn't take good care of herself; she can't. The fact is - she was too sick to realize she needed help and my brother didn't realize it, either. That would've involved making a decision... sigh... being an adult... and adjusting his day's schedule and begging off other things that, in his mind, were equally important to him. (I do understand the conflict; he wasn't making it up or inflating it... and I do know what the "piling on" effect is; I know that's exactly what he was experiencing emotionally and that's partly responsible for his decision-paralysis - in that moment. But it is also a character trait; more than that with him.)
That leads me into the topic of bro, but that's going to require a whole 'nother thread! LOL... but, truly - he is mystifying the doctors and frustrating me - with his complete avoidance of responsibility, diversion into the competing things he's dealing with, and expecting me to walk into the picture - become his mommy - and fix everything; make it all better. Makes it that much easier to blame me later, you know? Justify himself and his obstructionist and avoidant behavior. So, I talked with SIL... because of my mom's wish to be released to home care. It will need to be 24/7 for a couple of weeks; at least. It will affect her and the kids... and my bro... but he hasn't thought that through yet. A couple of complications with this plan, though. My mom intends to sleep on the couch on the main floor. And the house is right out of an episode of hoarders. SIL and I made a dent in it yesterday afternoon... but there are still trip hazards... and any home health worker is going to feel completely in the way and not able to function... because there is simply no place for them. My SIL agrees with me 100% - but she is completely resigned to not even saying a thing; not even stating her self-interest or that of the kids. She's given up trying to fight the joined at the hip duo of Bro & Mom. She feels very much that he's married to mom and that she doesn't matter. Boy - does that sound familiar, huh?
So I'm expecting a difficult scene when bro and I meet with the Dr. today and make a final decision. He wanted to release her today - but nothing's been set up for her... and may not even be able to be accomplished on Monday. I am not able... since I don't live here, don't have POA. And bro had other fish to fry. I was able to get mom to understand that the nursing home was temporary and soften up her resistance to that idea. I'm expecting that I'm going to finally get pissed and ugly and say a lot of things that have been bottled up for years. Just because he doesn't communicate, doesn't hear, doesn't decide; and is effectively "not there"... yet insists on having the final say in any decision. I have no idea how the Dr. will respond to that situation, but yesterday one of the docs asked me if I was the organized one and gave me the responsibility of reminding everyone about a followup appt in a few months. Does that indicate what their impression of my bro is? Or am I reading into that?
My expectations - all of them, including how I myself will behave - is built on a fear. My expectations aren't reality; they aren't predictive with any degree of statistical probability; and none of what I fear may actually happen. So that weak in the knees & flipflop stomach - "I'm gonna get it now" feeling - can just go away. It's not helpful. Whether it's a fear that I'll piss someone off, or be completely discounted and dismissed and not taken seriously, whether my bro will decide that he doesn't give a rat's ass what I want for the best interests of my mom - and acknowledges the consideration I'm allowing for him and his family - whether I'm breaking some kind of taboo ---
I have a realistic, justified, rational self-interest in this situation. She's my mom too. I am a day's travel away and it takes such a toll on me to travel like this; not to mention deal with all the dysfunction and try to find a way through it... that I have to protect myself. I also have a life and can't just travel at the drop of a hat. Believe it or not - I can't afford it; thanks again to my bro and poor communications from advisors. I'm getting on a plane Monday and flying home - no matter WHERE the situation stands...
... and I'm SO TIRED of WHINING about my brother and how unfair all this is; how unreasonable, inflexible, un-adult he is. How he's in his own world - which is obvious to almost everyone who gets to know him. She almost died because he didn't recognize how seriously ill she was and he left her completely alone for 3 days. It does happen - we're not all doctors or nurses - and she was responsive on Sat last week. I don't blame him... but then, there's reality. The one the rest of the world inhabits.
I told SIL yesterday that I'd given up all hope of being able to get through; to open a window or door from the common reality into his - but on the other hand, for some unknown reason - I can't stop trying. Like the lottery: if you don't play you can't win, you know? My expectations could be all wrong...miracles DO happen... or so I believe... I mean hey - the earth really did shift on it's axis so many inches, after the Japan earthquake... I've been wrong before and I'll be wrong again and have made an informal study of expecting the unexpected and realizing that it's not possible to "know" everything; plan for everything.
And besides, it feels a whole lot better than being afraid someone's going to be offended or oppose me, to look at what I want - my mom settled in good care so I can go home without worrying - and believe and trust that it's perfectly OK and acceptable to want this. DESPITE all the vengeance and venom I've spewed about my mom here over the years and in my journals - I think I'm finally at the "she did the best she could given who she is" place - thanks to what Lighter wrote last week and just the effect of time & working through... I have been working on letting her go for years... and the reality is, that in her current state the reality of her death is down to a matter of time - and the level of care she gets, which she can no longer do on her own reliably...
... but for that better feeling, to manifest itself in the "common reality"... I have allow myself to not fear... via scary expectations... to trust myself and my judgement... to make a decision... communicate it... and do it showing my "big girl panties"... not whining, arguing, or otherwise playing the old roles. To be kind, considerate, gentle and FAIR... and not budge an inch.
Wish me luck.
