Thank you, to both of you, for your advice and words of wisdom as always
Bones, you are the second person who has mentioned PTSD to me in the space of a week so I read up on it a little. It's really suprised me that I still notice behaviours about myself that I never noticed before. After I posted yesterday, I went to the shop and bought four croissants, which I sat and ate in one sitting whilst watching TV. I felt totally stuffed afterwards. Then it occured to me that, not only did I use the food to push away the bad feeling and the trip to the shop to distract me a little, I stuck the TV on to dampen it all down a bit more. I eat in front of the TV a lot - in fact I hate eating at the table wherever I am, even in restaurants I feel uncomfortable and would rather be balancing my food on my lap. I've thought about that for a while. Mealtimes were horrible in our house. We'd sit at the table and either weren't allowed to speak at all or if we did we were usually criticised, scolded, mimiced, whatever. It wasn't a nice experience. I sat opposite my step-dad and he'd kick me under the table if I pissed him off. He did it one time when he was wearing his work boots, which had steel toe caps in them. I can't remember what I'd said or done that had upset him but whatever it was, it hurt. My sister and I used to snipe at each other constantly. We'd eat really fast and then have to sit there until he'd finished and my god could that man make a meal take forever to eat. Then would come the washing up; my sister and I took turns to do it each night. He'd complain if my mum did any of it while she was cooking and when we'd finished he'd come and inspect the kitchen. Even one drop of water on the draining board he'd moan about, or how we'd wrapped left overs or put dishes away. He'd complain about putting a tea towel in the wash if it didn't need it or leaving it out if it did. He'd moan about how much washing up liquid we used, how high we stacked the dishes on the drainer, you name it. So anyway, meal times were not times of enjoyment. After a while my mum said we could eat in our rooms, as long as we did it before he got in. So most nights we'd eat as soon as we got in from school, either a microwave meal or something reheated from the night before. We'd eat in our rooms, alone, watching TV, then as long as we washed our stuff before he got home we escaped most of the rest of it (apart from the dishwashing inspection). So anyway, all this is going through my head so I suppose my adult need to eat in front of the TV, eat quick and not make a deal about it is linked to that? I need to work on that.
Phoenix, what you describe as a sort of OCD about feelings rang so true, and again, as I've thought about it I realised - we just weren't allowed to have them - full stop. Happy was fine but any other kind of mood/emotion/reaction really used to piss my mum off. Her moods, of course, we're fine and usually our fault. I do find I literally can't speak sometimes. Sometimes my T asks me a question. I answer her and she says "Tup, that's great but that's your mum talking. How do you feel?" So I say something else and she says "That's what you're thinking in your head. How do you feel?" And I literally can't speak. My head goes blank and the words just aren't there. She has said it's hard to indentify feelings if you don't talk about them when you're young - if no-one labels anger, sadness, fear etc for you you can't link how you feel to a word. Sometimes I can hear the words in my head but what comes out is the complete opposite. Someone asks how I am and in my head I'm saying "My back hurts, my period is killing me, I'm skint, the house is a tip and I'm really lonely". But my mouth opens up and I go "yeah, I'm good! How are you?".
Aaaaarrrggghhhh!!! Man, human heads are tricky things to work out! Thank you. You've helped push the process on a bit, helped me see where I need to work to get past these little bits that seem to cause such big problems.
(((((((((((((Bones))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((Phoenix)))))))))))))))))
((((((((((Everyone)))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((Myself!!)))))))))))))))))))
Thanks xx
