Author Topic: Feeling your feelings  (Read 1767 times)

Twoapenny

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Feeling your feelings
« on: April 16, 2011, 03:01:09 AM »
Hi all,

I've had a really lovely period lately of what I presume is 'normality' - no odd things going on in my head, no unexpected reactions to things, no big meltdowns over trivial incidents.  Alas, the period of calm appears to have suspended itself for the time being and things have been a bit difficult again for the last few days.

I've been reading about feeling your feelings - about not chasing them away with activity. food. booze etc, but just sitting with them and allowing them to be.

How do others manage this?  I find this really hard.  If I just let them wash over me I find they can become really debilitating.  I get very afraid of totally losing my mind.  I feel like, if I don't control them in some way then they will control me and I hate that feeling.  I know some of it is just fear of what might happen if I let them come out but it's very hard to tell your brain not to be afraid when the fear seems to be sitting somewhere else?

I don't really drink any more but I do find I push them out with junk food and watching films.  I had a panic attack yesterday - the first for ages - and my immediate reaction was to pump sugar into myself.  I presume the rise in adrenalin when you have a panic attack probably leaves your blood sugar a bit out of whack anyway?  So I don't know how much the craving is a physical thing or an emotional one.  I've woken up today feeling pretty crappy and I'm torn between trying to make myself feel better and just letting myself feel crappy.  The idea of not trying to make myself feel better is very alien to me.  Equally I am FED UP with all this bloody emotional stuff being a pain in the a the whole time and I really feel like I just want to get rid of it all so it buggers off and leaves me alone!  So I wonder if just allowing it to be will be better in the long run?

Sometimes it feels like it would just be easier if there were a designated pain zone in your life when all of this nonsense was just slotted into two weeks so you could just get on with it and then forget all about it afterwards!

I have been writing about him a lot and I think that is what has triggered all this again.  I've told my T I want to start working exclusively on him in our sessions - I'm very good at dancing around a whole load of other issues and avoiding talking about him.  So first session totally devoted to sexual abuse is this Thurs.  Whenever I think about talking about him my throat starts to constrict, my head goes blank and I literally feel lost for words.  Writing about him has been slightly easier but even that has dried up now - I just look at the page and nothing comes out.

So any advice on achieving a balance - getting these feelings out, letting them be, allowing them to flow, without turning into a complete wreck or ending up completely unable to function?  I've been there before and I don't want to put my boy through that again.  Fortunately he was probably too young last time to be truly aware or really remember but he's nine now and really does notice things and I don't want my mess to screw him up.  Thank you ((((((((()))))))))))

BonesMS

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Re: Feeling your feelings
« Reply #1 on: April 16, 2011, 07:58:53 AM »
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((TwoAPenny)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I struggle with the same thing as you are right now.  I've come to recognize that what I am experiencing is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and that I am not going crazy.  We are both survivors of child sexual abuse and flashbacks will occur from time to time.  Those flashbacks can be horrendous mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. 

What has helped me get through this is by doing what you are doing....writing about it here, sharing this with others in your support system, and knowing that you are NOT ALONE!  In my 12-Step groups, I've often heard the phrase:  "Name It, Claim It, Dump It", which helps remind those of us, who are chemically dependent on mood-changing substances, to talk about what is eating at us instead of picking up a mood-changing substance in a misguided attempt at self-soothing.  I've learned that by sharing this burden with others in my support system, the load becomes lighter.

When we were children, WE HAD NO VOICE regarding what was done to us!  You and I were nothing more than sex toys for our Narcissistic abusers who only saw us as objects for their self-gratification.  Your NWomb-Donor and my NWomb-Donor didn't care who they hurt as long as they got their jollies rocked off!  Here, at the VOICELESSNESS Board, we are learning to REGAIN OUR VOICES and survive the trauma that you and I experienced at the hands of a Narcissistic Womb-Donor and Narcissistic Pedophile.

It's PERFECTLY OKAY TO FEEL YOUR FEELINGS!!!  YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO FEEL WHAT YOU FEEL!!!

Might it help if you print out what you wrote and showed that to your therapist at your next session on Thursday?

Just my two pennies of thought.   ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((TwoAPenny))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Bones
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sKePTiKal

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Re: Feeling your feelings
« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2011, 09:53:13 PM »
Hm. I think you're talking about 2 different things, Penny... maybe more!  :D

What you've been doing with Little Penny is just like sitting with your feelings - sometimes there's a story, sometimes not. This requires patience, pacing - taking breaks - and even thanking her for telling you what she felt/feels... but the main idea of feeling your feelings isn't doing anything about them...

it's just feeling. It's a type of language that doesn't have any words that do the feeling justice - so music, poetry, art... have all been tried to describe feelings. Still not the same - for me there is almost always a physical sensation that goes along with the feeling. Like the exhilaration of rolling down a lush, grassy hill on a warm fresh spring day.

Too often, those of us who've been through things like this feel "compelled" - like OCD compelled - to do something to stop the feeling... as if feeling itself is dangerous and will cause us to be abused again. Or, like you said - that we'll go crazy from the feeling. I think sometimes this kind of thing - I still go through it, not often and it's not AS debilitating as it used to be - is sort of a remnant from being powerless to speak & act on our real feelings during abuse, for fear of making it worse.

Fear - great fear - can literally make one voiceless. I think that's kind of what you're describing. So it will be important to go very slowly on this topic. Re-read what you've already written and see if you can put together one statement to sum up what you feel is a "starting point". (It can be more than one sentence - but the idea is to contain the topic; limit it - and hopefully lower the fear level, too.) Like Bones suggested, if you hand this statement to your T with an explanation of what you've been experiencing right now - the panic attack, the "drying up" of journalling... she'll know how to proceed, I think and gently help you at the pace you're comfortable working through this difficult topic.

You might also take some time off from writing - do something completely different for a few days... maybe a "reward" that little penny would like for helping you get the story "out" so far. It's really hard work - for both of you!
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Twoapenny

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Re: Feeling your feelings
« Reply #3 on: April 17, 2011, 08:19:47 AM »
Thank you, to both of you, for your advice and words of wisdom as always :)

Bones, you are the second person who has mentioned PTSD to me in the space of a week so I read up on it a little.  It's really suprised me that I still notice behaviours about myself that I never noticed before.  After I posted yesterday, I went to the shop and bought four croissants, which I sat and ate in one sitting whilst watching TV.  I felt totally stuffed afterwards.  Then it occured to me that, not only did I use the food to push away the bad feeling and the trip to the shop to distract me a little, I stuck the TV on to dampen it all down a bit more.  I eat in front of the TV a lot - in fact I hate eating at the table wherever I am, even in restaurants I feel uncomfortable and would rather be balancing my food on my lap.  I've thought about that for a while.  Mealtimes were horrible in our house.  We'd sit at the table and either weren't allowed to speak at all or if we did we were usually criticised, scolded, mimiced, whatever.  It wasn't a nice experience.  I sat opposite my step-dad and he'd kick me under the table if I pissed him off.  He did it one time when he was wearing his work boots, which had steel toe caps in them.  I can't remember what I'd said or done that had upset him but whatever it was, it hurt.  My sister and I used to snipe at each other constantly.  We'd eat really fast and then have to sit there until he'd finished and my god could that man make a meal take forever to eat.  Then would come the washing up; my sister and I took turns to do it each night.  He'd complain if my mum did any of it while she was cooking and when we'd finished he'd come and inspect the kitchen.  Even one drop of water on the draining board he'd moan about, or how we'd wrapped left overs or put dishes away.  He'd complain about putting a tea towel in the wash if it didn't need it or leaving it out if it did.  He'd moan about how much washing up liquid we used, how high we stacked the dishes on the drainer, you name it.  So anyway, meal times were not times of enjoyment.  After a while my mum said we could eat in our rooms, as long as we did it before he got in.  So most nights we'd eat as soon as we got in from school, either a microwave meal or something reheated from the night before.  We'd eat in our rooms, alone, watching TV, then as long as we washed our stuff before he got home we escaped most of the rest of it (apart from the dishwashing inspection).  So anyway, all this is going through my head so I suppose my adult need to eat in front of the TV, eat quick and not make a deal about it is linked to that?  I need to work on that.

Phoenix, what you describe as a sort of OCD about feelings rang so true, and again, as I've thought about it I realised - we just weren't allowed to have them - full stop.  Happy was fine but any other kind of mood/emotion/reaction really used to piss my mum off.  Her moods, of course, we're fine and usually our fault.  I do find I literally can't speak sometimes.  Sometimes my T asks me a question.  I answer her and she says "Tup, that's great but that's your mum talking.  How do you feel?"  So I say something else and she says "That's what you're thinking in your head.  How do you feel?"  And I literally can't speak.  My head goes blank and the words just aren't there.  She has said it's hard to indentify feelings if you don't talk about them when you're young - if no-one labels anger, sadness, fear etc for you you can't link how you feel to a word.  Sometimes I can hear the words in my head but what comes out is the complete opposite.  Someone asks how I am and in my head I'm saying "My back hurts, my period is killing me, I'm skint, the house is a tip and I'm really lonely".  But my mouth opens up and I go "yeah, I'm good!  How are you?".

Aaaaarrrggghhhh!!!  Man, human heads are tricky things to work out!  Thank you.  You've helped push the process on a bit, helped me see where I need to work to get past these little bits that seem to cause such big problems.

(((((((((((((Bones))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((Phoenix)))))))))))))))))

((((((((((Everyone)))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((Myself!!)))))))))))))))))))

Thanks xx

BonesMS

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Re: Feeling your feelings
« Reply #4 on: April 17, 2011, 02:17:52 PM »
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((TwoAPenny))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Back Off Bug-A-Loo!

sKePTiKal

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Re: Feeling your feelings
« Reply #5 on: April 17, 2011, 08:08:47 PM »
Yeah I couldn't identify feelings either. I felt like such a failure! 50 yrs old and not able to name feelings. SHEESH!! So, since I'm such a visual person, my T asked me to do a page each of drawings of positive and negative feelings. I thought this was an interesting project; I was good at symbols and logos - so I tried watercolor, since I haven't done much in that medium. I almost ran out of space on the negative page (oh and the colors... bleck!) but on the positive - first, it took me twice as long to create... and I worked bigger to fill the space - I was having a hard time visualizing "good" feelings... even finding names.

But nothing beat the surprise, when I looked them over just before turning in my "homework". There was no happy anywhere on the positive page. It never occurred to me to put happy on the positive emotions.     :oops:

During that "lesson plan", I also discovered that a lot of what I called anxiety - or had been told was anxiety - was, in reality excitement; a more positive explanation for the very same feeling. So how had I learned to call this feeling something negative? And moreover, how many other feelings did I have which were natural and beneficial feelings... did I fear or was I ashamed of? Which was which, for sure? I started paying way closer attention to how I felt - the feeling of feeling itself... so I could learn the difference. It's like the different between the musical note B and B flat.

Anger was my biggie; I was absolutely convinced this was a "bad" emotion and that mature people controlled this feeling to the point that they never ever expressed anger. Again - I guess I drank the koolaid and believed something that wasn't quite true. I found anger was my boundary alarm system... it was trying to tell me it was time to protect myself - and that's a good thing, huh?

I'm still learning the nuances... throttling some things down in intensity... throttling some up and figuring out what "works" for me.

Just this weekend, I think I took a big step about fear; fear of owning my feelings for what they are and trusting that they're not "off base", crazy or "unacceptable". It's always a work in progress, Penny... some days are better than others... but I think overall, we're all sliding toward the "healthy" side of the continuum. Don't forget - even in the midst of heavy work like you're doing (or maybe especially then) - it's really OK to take a "time out" or day off. And as long as you're paying attention to croissants - and not criticizing yourself - you're still filing info away to work with later. While you might regret eating them, that many, that way - whatever - it's just possible this was the reward that "little penny" expected for helping you so far. It's the kind of thing she's used to, right? That won't change overnight... but it can really change.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Twoapenny

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Re: Feeling your feelings
« Reply #6 on: April 20, 2011, 10:38:57 AM »
Thanks, Bonesie :)

Phoenix, what you said about anger is a really good way of looking at it.  There are often situations that involve other people - not me - but I feel myself getting really angry.  So presumably there's something in me that feels my boundaries are or may be being pushed away and I should take more notice of that.

The last few days have been better.  I've pottered around at home, the weather's nice so I've been out in the garden and my boy has been at holiday club so I've had the day times to myself  I've also managed to track down some relatives on my dad's side - I'm hoping they're not part of the crazy gang - they seem okay so far!  So at least I feel like I can get to know a bit more about my dad and maybe a bit more about my own upbringing from someone else's perspective (other than my mum's, I mean).

Hope everyone's well :)

Thanks xx

Tupp

Hopalong

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Re: Feeling your feelings
« Reply #7 on: April 21, 2011, 10:36:12 PM »
(((Tupp))

You are so clear, you know?

You are a wonderful, transparent writer.
A terrific narrator. Beautifully anchored in your surroundings.
Even your internal surroundings.

You know your story. You tell it well.

You are so strong. So open to building more strength.

I am really impressed and delighted to read this, even though I can tell it's very hard to go through. You are telling it, woman! With the heart of a novelist.

I only would say that you do not need to be sweet or appealing.

You ARE. I think very naturally.

But I hope you'll make room for all the rest of it, too. Even fury, when that comes.

(Don't be afraid. It will pass through and you'll feel released, cleansed, better.)

You are really, really okay.

You are safe and you are really marvellous.

xxoo
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."