Author Topic: Quick Question re Gaslighting  (Read 1262 times)

Twoapenny

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Quick Question re Gaslighting
« on: April 23, 2011, 07:44:41 AM »
Hi all,

My mum, on several occasions, made calls to various professionals - health visitors, doctors, social workers etc - claiming that I had mental health problems when I didn't, that I was abusing my son (I wasn't), that I was violent and aggressive towards her (I wasn't) and so on.  I'm currently reviewing all my son's records with a view to getting the false information provided by her taken off them by the court.  The general picture seems to be she would call 'someone' - health visitor, for example - tell them there had been child protection concerns about my son because I was mentally ill and his health problems (autism) had been caused by neglect.  She'd also tell them not to tell me she'd called because I get aggressive and that I refused to be reassured that he was okay because of my mental health problems, and that I wouldn't listen to reason.

I didn't know any of this (and none of what she was claiming was true) so I was taking my son to assessments where I was basically fobbed off.  My theory is that, because of what she'd told them (and no-one bothered to check - duh!!), they all assumed that he just needed the right sort of input and he'd get that in school, so were just going through the motions to keep the 'mentally unstable one' quiet until he got to school where everything would be fine.  His health problems weren't addressed until I went private and of course, they hadn't had the same nonsense from my mum so they assessed his health properly and sorted things out.  I then made complaints about poor service, which, I've discovered, my mother then claimed I do all the time because I'm 'crazy' and my illness makes me think I'm always right and everyone else is wrong (there's actually a paragraph in one report where she has told a social worker this clearly, and another where she has told a social worker that I have mental health problems because I trained as a teacher, instead of doing my PHD and becoming a lecturer.  This, according to my mum, made me go nuts.  Even the social worker has written underneath it "no idea why she is telling us this or why she thinks this is relevant?"").

Anyway, sorry, bit of a long winded explanation, but basically, there were two different realities.  Mine was that I was a caring, loving mum who was (rightly) worried about her son's development and who kept being fobbed off by various people who refused to help him, which confused, angered and frustrated me.  My mum's version to everyone was that I was mentally ill, my son's problems were somehow all in my mind and caused by me at the same time (which in itself doesn't make any sense) and that I mustn't be told what she was doing for her own safety.  Truth be told when I found out what she'd done I wasn't angry I was heart broken.  Anger came at some point, obviously, but to discover my own mum had done this to me and my boy was worse than discovering my son was disabled in the first place.

Anyway, going off the point again, but is this what they call gaslighting?  Just reading around various things at the mo and this keeps coming up - if you were going to give what she did a name would it be this one?  Or something else?

Thank you!!! :)

sKePTiKal

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Re: Quick Question re Gaslighting
« Reply #1 on: April 23, 2011, 08:00:06 AM »
I would call it intentional, conscious sabotage for unconscious reasons (maybe jealousy?).

Gaslighting would be, if she had campaigned to convince YOU that you were the crazy one. Much of what you've described she said... in some odd-sick way, sounds like she's projecting things she doesn't like about herself - onto you - and then tattling to the authorities that you were seeking help from. Unconsciously, perhaps, trying to elicit that angry response from you to her... which seems to be some form of validation for these sickos... that they are controlling you.

At least from where I sit - that's what it sounds like. Shoe might not fit perfectly!  ;)
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Twoapenny

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Re: Quick Question re Gaslighting
« Reply #2 on: April 23, 2011, 10:09:04 AM »
Thanks, Phoenix, I see what you mean - if she'd convinced me I was having mental health problems that would be gaslighting but she convinced others (and not me) which makes it something else.  Thank you, it helps to get these things straight, I find, it kind of helps me process it all a bit more easily.

What you have said about projection is spot on - the 'report' she gave social services about me was actually a description of what my childhood was like and nothing like my son's!  She talked about unpredictable mood swiings (her) seeing and hearing terrible things (we saw and heard terrible things, my son's seen nothing more upsetting than an episode of Thomas the Tank Engine when on of them fell into a ravine), inconsistent boundaries, no interaction, constantly dumped in front of the TV - that was how she was with us, not how I am with my boy!  So yes, I see what you're saying and that makes sense.  Thank you!  Hope things are alright for you at the mo :) xx

sKePTiKal

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Re: Quick Question re Gaslighting
« Reply #3 on: April 23, 2011, 01:16:29 PM »
Glad that makes sense... gaslighting is one of those things, that seem to be impossible; how can someone tell someone else that what they know is real - is all just imagination, make-believe or hallucination? If one was there - was injured even - and then that reality is denied so vigorously - and that someone is an adult versus a child - well... the child suffers from such a severe self-doubt, self-distrust about their own sanity that in my case, this persists well into my adult years. I still have all the double-checking and reality-testing habits. Nowadays, what I suffered at the hands of my mother is considered illegal and a number of people would've reported it.

I'm doing pretty well under the circumstances! LOL... I guess you've been keeping up with the FOO follies I've been posting about. I guess SIL and I are the only ones who know that the risks and consequences of the current situation are a whole lot more than just different ways of viewing life and the world. Even my mom's doctor recognized denial when faced with it. SIL and I are not the crazy ones. I'm still thinking about it too much I think - but on the other hand, I do have some responsibilities depending on how far down the crapper my brother's life goes; things I have to plan for and be ready to put into action, worst case scenario - and still keep open to other options. Real world stuff - and nothing to do with getting ensnared in the drama and therefore at fault. They can still fault me for coming home... I can see that possibility arise or being asked to return to help care for my mom.

That ain't gonna happen!!
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