Training: Take 2

[sKePTiKal]

OK - I'm starting over. The same premises I started with on the first go-round, but with something else that's absolutely necessary to include. I've had a bit of revelation on my "re-think".

First thing, would be that I've uncovered something that's very like, if not actually, Survivor Guilt. I couldn't quite tie in my surprise at Bro's deception about Mom's care; really I should've expected something like this. The way the deception took my breath away - the blatant disregard for Drs recommendation and my support of that - the clear message (and anger/pain) that I don't matter to them any more than this "new" doctor who saved her life. Cmon, Amber - this has been going on as long as I can remember; it's not a newsflash....

I am not like them. I am different. The three of us are not a "matched set"... and I live in a different world, with different priorities and values and ideas of what is "normal". As an adult, this fits with my understanding of what normal families are - those differences are respected, appreciated, and people are heard and are STILL cared for. However, for a co-dependent, pathologically passive-aggressive duo that doesn't know the meaning of "boundary"... that's simply not "on"; it's not the way it's supposed to be - everyone in the FOO is supposed to be the same kind of person, same understanding of "how the world it"; same reality. It helps support their delusions, I guess.

I can't do that. It's not in my nature; it's not who I am. I am not capable of doing this - despite all my other weaknesses. And that makes me "bad" in the context of my FOO; it's makes me one of "THEM", to MomBro... there is no "US" that I fit into; belong to.

So there's this conflict. We've been talking about conflict in a couple different places lately; all that's been helping me see the next bit - the other thing I have to include in my "training" regimen. I'm calling that "survival instinct", for short right now. The natural self-preservation, self-interest, my boundaries, my rights as a human being. She's a fierce and aggressive and persistant little bugger. And she is infuriated when - due to the old programming; guilt or natural desire to "belong" - I throw myself under the bus again; make myself the fool; the butt of the joke; or even just experiencing guilt & surprise that MomBro is still really sick... even that's enough to invoke the survival instinct. She is angry at ME... for not opening my mouth to give them a piece of my mind... for just "rolling over" and letting them continue to cause me irritation and grief... for not standing up for myself and my rights as a human being.

Herein lies the internal conflict: survivor guilt vs survival instinct. I think dealing with that is step 1 in the training program, ya know? And since there is a real-world threat coming from the general direction of Bro... it would help if I had that survival instinct on my side; it would help even the odds of "me" againist MomBro.

I have plants to get nestled in the ground before it rains. Going to go think without words on this some more.

[sKePTiKal]

Yes, tt - I had to pass through that step - and ask for forgiveness, too.

But, when one feels guilty about saving oneself - preferring to live a healthier life than the FOO - wanting something different, cleaner, healthier... then there is survivor guilt about those "left behind".

Because my survival instinct is so fierce, she's easily painted (especially by the FOO) as greedy, selfish, or even mean... when I don't meet their expectations of throwing myself under the bus for them... for nothing... again... AND

because this is their definition of "loyalty" - that I will throw myself under the bus for them... oops! She's guilty again! And if that doesn't work, they have a whole drawerful of character assassination bombs to throw my way, based on the fact that one time I made this or that mistake.

Ironically: because I am considering going NC and becoming legally UNentangled with Bro by stating, and demanding my rights.... WOW did that really get Survival Instinct in a panic!!  She's upset - no, in truth she's scared to death - because I've always been a doormat; given in/up; let things go, to get along... and accepted amazing boundary intrusions and indignities... just to try to meet that impossible to satisfy definition of "loyalty" to my family. It's part of my identity - I am a loyal person. I am a caring person, also. Giving too. Not that I learned any of that in my FOO... or that they think this of me. I still don't matter to them - go figure.

So the old coping strategies that I used to survive in the FOO - are considered too valuable by Survival Instinct; I did survive - PROOF! you know? But the old coping strategies are some of the toxins I've worked so hard to rid myself of... and the only way forward that I can see is to find some way to calm Surv. Instinct... and proceed with asking that my rights be acknowledged and respected.

It's an internal conflict and maybe a double-bind all at the same time. Certainly, I'm damned if I do; damned if I don't. So what do I have to lose?

[Guest]

I too thought of 'shame' reading you Amber.

Reading you both, this is something I don't feel/think I feel/think.

Perhaps I've not been divorced from my 'inner child'. Perhaps I have always been partly that child and known what I was carrying with me. I think I feel that I didn't abandon myself: in fact I feel as though I fought to remain 'myself' no matter what went on on the outside.

If I had to deal with 'survivor guilt' as well, I don't know how I'd do that (and remain sane).

I don't 'belong' and I don't want to. I'd rather 'belong' here, and that's stretching the idea.

Amber - I'm damned if I do; damned if I don't - really, are you sure?

Loyalty starts with self. Integrity and so on. Sod everything else. Well that's what keeps me together, not some external thing.

Why do you care what they think of you?

[Gaining Strength]

But, when one feels guilty about saving oneself - preferring to live a healthier life than the FOO - wanting something different, cleaner, healthier... then there is survivor guilt about those "left behind".

I know in my case I would be punished or made to pay for "getting the goods" of any sort - complement, attention, acknowledgement, victory .... saving myself - making a living, having a home, providing for my son....

Wondering if you might have been "punished" (rejected, belittled, shamed....) as well.

"double bind & damned if you do/damned if you don't"
I have always used them pretty much interchangably
The bottom line is that mom/bro will "punish" (my word of course) you is you act and if you don't act.  It is the quintessential power that passive aggressives use against their victim.  It has a paralyzing toxin that allows them to overcome their prey.

Hey Guest - I'm thinking that PR is meaning that she is damned if she does or doesn't according to the MOM/BRO perspective rather than her own but then I am definitely reading from my own experience and perspective on this one.

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks, tt - I know we all have different experiences; and I so value the validation of the common aspects that run through all of them. You've always helped me expand my thinking beyond the personal... to the more objective. That's important to me!! (so, don't stop...OK???)


Guest: my bro & I are 50-50 owners of several businesses; unless we have agreement between the two of us... nothing happens... I make my suggestions/proposals to him; he says no - or says he'll think about it - and MAYBE a year later, I can push him to decide (that's the P-A version of a "no")... and it IS personal; bro has no business experience - so he only sees and understands that it's his idea of "me" - his sister asking... and so I'm effectively held hostage; not able to do what needs to be done (he's totally unengaged with the business tasks and it's a hugely tedious, long, and often unsatisfying effort to get his attention and make him understand what is going on; what the decision is; and what is in his own best interest even... sigh.) Bro does not relate to me with the civility or respect normally shown a business associate; he always takes the conversation to a personal level... and when I don't "bite" and play the game... it's back to his P-A stalling strategy. And it's not just me that's treated this way - it's the CPA, the corp lawyer, and my Dad's estate trustee.

My whole financial existence depends on a person with a loooonnnggg history of this type of emotional abuse, with me as the target. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, when we entered into this arrangement... thinking that in 30-40 years he'd learned some things in life; changed; even maybe figured out what reality is... but I see more evidence to the contrary than evidence in favor of that view. He doesn't know, that he doesn't know - who I am now. I don't know if you were around on the board, when I was telling that part of the story. It was a few years ago.

It really is more, than just caring what he thinks about me. I can let that roll off, with a few deep breaths and a gulp to get rid of the lump in my throat. It is vital - and legally defined - that certain things must happen, for the welfare of the company. It is a fact, that both of our personal financial "well-beings" depends of the well-being of the companies and appropriate decisions made in a timely fashion. Bro has currently put me in a position - through his lack of understanding & engagement & value of the importance of being engaged in business - where my well-being is threatened; I am held hostage through his delays, stalling and refusal to discuss - much less negotiate and compromise. I have been patient; I have explained; I have reasoned in a calm, rational fashion and not gotten personal with him. This is a stalemate; in business terms: a deadlock. And I have legal rights in the this circumstance... which is sort of a extreme, NC version of a "solution".

Of course, GS & all -
of course I was shamed & punished. How dare I even think of myself, my self-interest, taking care of me or even daring to want to accepted, recognized as a person with feelings, thoughts, and perspective that just might be different from theirs? I'm supposed to sacrifice all, to take care of MomBro - no matter how inappropriate, or what it costs me, personally. That kind of boundary never existed for me, in the context of MomBro - with either one. If I DARED to draw those lines, I was the person being unfair; I was the selfish greedy one. I was the crazy, delusional, over-reaching, controlling one. And if I died, in the course of attempting to do that - OH WELL. That's how I much I matter to them. I am a tool - in more ways than one.

So I am "fair" with them - at my own expense; in reality OVER fair... or I feel guilty. Simultaneously, my survival instinct - that protective, fearless warrior self - is telling me I'm an idiot; she's angry because she knows that each instance of being involved with them ends the same way... I get run over. And yeah, she "punishes" and "shames" me, for not standing up for myself and saying in no uncertain terms: ENOUGH of this shit. And then, follow through on what will end this agony & misery once and for all - NC.

That is the double bind; I'm damned if I throw myself in front of the bus - again; my survival instinct has always taken her anger out on me - kicking myself is the least of it. I'm damned if I finally do take the route of protecting myself from these people, once and for all - in all ways. Unless I stop feeling guilty and punishing myself for taking care of myself; protecting myself; surviving. And this is the double-bind that exists within ME... the precarious terms of my own existence with myself.

Guest's pure and simple "me first" way of viewing herself is a goal I have; it's still alien to me - an acquired way of looking at myself. I've had to work really, really hard to even get to the point where I can allow my to have fun, relax, and simply "be". This current "crisis" has set me back, a bit.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Those are the two ends of the stick; the dilemma. Y'all know I'm a big fan of the "middle way"... through these kinds of things. I'm not entirely sure that there is one this time. Hubs does not believe me about bro and how he is. Hubs thinks he can be made to understand what his role and responsibilities are; be made to decide, compromise and negotiate in a non-personal fashion in a reasonable timeframe. He's welcome to try... and because I value hubs and his take on things, I'm agreeing to participate in this.

I'm also agreeing because I understand the risks of the legal UNentanglement with bro. It is very scary - but perhaps not as scary as I think; I need more information. Hubs' is naturally frightened of those risks as well. He can't imagine a world in which he couldn't talk to and reason with, his sibs; nor where his sibs would be that uncooperative or uncaring. Neither could MIL. So of course, he can't possibly "believe me" -- it's beyond his comprehension that people could be the way MomBro is. He does have a lot of experience with milder versions of some of the same behaviors... so I'm willing to patiently go through the steps of what he's suggesting... and see what happens.

But hey - go figure - he was telling me this morning, that I'm "too emotional"!!!!! For someone who couldn't remember to put "happiness" on a list of positive emotions... I guess that's progress, huh? Maybe he means, I'm too fearful - I have to agree, in that case.

Y'all know I'm a champion of the (maybe naive) idea that it's possible to "train" oneself to deal with Ns - PD others that we encounter in this life. I wasn't exactly thinking my first challenge would be of this magnitude... but what the hell? At least the stakes are high enough - my self-respect, personal comfort zone and financial life - that I might as well dive in.

[Guest]

Amber
I read you. Nothing is unsolvable. What’s the worst that could happen?

I have been patient; I have explained; I have reasoned in a calm, rational fashion and not gotten personal with him. This is a stalemate; in business terms: a deadlock.

Okay, now is the time not to be the above. Be unreasonable, get personal. How about playing dirty (in business terms)? I don’t know the businesses but there are numerous ways to undermine people or force their hands.

And I have legal rights in the this circumstance... which is sort of a extreme, NC version of a "solution".

Go for your legal rights. Why not? I would. I wouldn’t even communicate directly with the man any more.

Not sure my way is ‘me first’. It’s more: what’s the situation/problem? What are the possible solutions? More like: what’s the reality here? When a lion is about to eat you, you're not worrying about your self-esteem, you know?

As for involving hubs, yeah, why not. If it was me, I’d take the input/advice, but I’d make it starkly plain that the final decisions rest with me alone and hey, don’t take it personally if I ditch your advice. And in your situation, I might consider the time-delay with getting hubs up to speed. Tricky but in life sometimes you gotta let things roll where they may. Including what anyone else thinks of you and your actions. Oh easy to say!!! Listen to me!

Sounds like a good book TT. Makes me think of every time I consider deleting my account. Oh, what book!

[sKePTiKal]

When a lion is about to eat you, you're not worrying about your self-esteem, you know?

LOL - THANK you, Guest!! I am so hypersensitive to even the shading of implication in hubs' belief that I've over-reacted, jumped to conclusions, or gone straight to the emotional, nuclear red button extreme without trying anything else first - that I would play along with hubs', humor him - only to make sure that he understands I'm not exaggerating Bro; I'm not making this up... in other words, so hubs' believes me.

I haven't grown enough confidence in myself yet, to fight off those kinds of suggestions from people I know, love & respect. Or even to assert my own opinion, in the face of those kinds of judgements. And I also forgot to consider that hubs will bend over backwards to avoid conflict. He is trainable, though - and I'm teaching him that not all expressions of anger & irritation are milestones on the way to divorce. That's been imprinted on his psyche pretty solidly.

Building that confidence in my own judgement; in my own perceptions is part of the training plan. It might be the one of the biggest goals; most important goals. One mistake doesn't a complete failure make. And even weak spots can be compensated for; coped with. I am astounded at how much reassurance and validation I seem to need - it's like a cup with holes in the bottom - to trust my own instincts. I find it incredibly difficult to give myself permission to at least investigate, collect the information and then make a decision about the risk/benefit of what I WANT.

I've mentioned this before; that what I want is total NC - including legally, in the businesses - with MomBro. I don't want to screw bro; I want to be fair - but since he doesn't, can't, won't - engage in the necessary discussions and decisions that have to be made; and now that it's affecting me at a personal level (and hubs is downplaying this threat; because he doesn't know that this particular "lion" will eat me and not think twice or care) and that in turn, ultimately affects the business... it seemed rational to investigate the option of legally disconnecting our business relationship. Two years seems a reasonable amount of time to watch, wait and see if bro is going to "get it" and cooperate, I think. I've even gone out of my way to try to help him understand the situation and have let him know, when his attitude and behavior are unacceptable in a business relationship. I've set boundaries with him, as well. He continues to violate them... and sets his own warped thinking above even expert advice that he's given. Very GC/N - with all the P-A strategies to support it.

The instinctual part of me - the part that loved and learned so much from tai chi push hands - realized that sometimes the best defense is an unexpected offensive move. And that at the moment - what I am considering - would be completely totally unexpected. It's also a HUGE risk... at least, as I see it right now. That risk might not be as big as it feels. I still need more information. And I might not get another better chance, later on.

Actually, I'm quite glad you found what you posted "easy to say".... you've nudged me right back to center and balance again. Back into my feeling of competence, action, and going forward instead of swirling around in the toilet bowl, feeling like crap.

[Guest]

If hubs doesn't believe me, I reckon it's because he doesn't have all the 'facts' that I have (so I back off, so as not to scare him ). I understand the cup with the holes in. It takes a long time to slowly repair those holes.

Being fair is important. I wouldn't suggest otherwise. However sometimes the means can be justified by the results when you're dealing with a disordered person (I mean, not being completely honest and open etc). A bit like gathering support before a coup. Two years seems long enough not that I know the situation. Many people wouldn't allow that long. Maybe whatever it is does seem like a huge risk, but is that emotion talking and not facts? Information is a great way to tame emotions I find. And it makes it less personal. I like to think, if this was happening to someone I cared about, what would i want them to do (or do for them if i could)?

Yeah it's all easy to say, not easy to action at all! Eat that poor old elephant...as i joked to myself the other day, don't feel sorry for the elephant, it's only a metaphor...and answered to myself: not to the elephant it's not!

[sKePTiKal]

I think I was questioning my own fairness in this particular "want" based on the values of the MomBro syndicate and the long, long history of anything I want being labelled "unfair" or "bad", you know? In reality, there will be a fair & equitable and legal "trade".

Yes, some distortion of the proportion of the risk is based on wild, speculative fear. It was reassuring to me, that my advisors believe the situation warrants seriously considering this option - as long as I - how did they put it?  Oh yes, here it is:

"need to understand the implications for your continued relationship with Bro"

Yeah. Well, that's an easier one. It's not possible to continue what we haven't had for 30-40 years, except in a stage-dressing, imitation way... and before that, the relationship was forced on me and I was more of a mom to him, than my mom was. I've since resigned the job, directly, to my mom. That was satisfying... but I don't think she got my point, that he already HAS a mother and it wasn't my job.

[sKePTiKal]

OK... after my usual song & dance introduction (and I'm coming to believe that this is kinda necessary for me, at this stage)...

Physical training intention: to lose about 20 lbs; whatever feels comfortable after the first 10, to quit smoking, to build stamina, do some strength training and learn to just be IN my body... no matter what.

Mental training intention: to stop with the endless rationalizations about why I am/am not doing x, y or z... I don't need to justify myself - beyond saying "I want". I don't always need to seek permission or approval from others before moving into the "doing". And, when the whiff of drama is in the air... I want to learn to immediately step back and not even be involved in being outraged by the idiocy of it... to either let it go right by me, on it's own momentum... or cut to the heart of the matter, and just SAY IT. (for starters, anyway... I know there's more)

Emotional training intention: to learn to simply notice the emotions I have, breathe through them, use them as a directional guide... and then let them go. It's important for me to practice not becoming an emotion, I think - letting it take me over. At the same time, it's also absolutely important for me to let the emotion flow; to just let it be without tailoring it, adjusting it, always "pretending" to be what I'm not... emotionally... getting myself out of the old habit of being programmed that way -- without scaring the crap out of people. Not so much emotional control... as being able to adjust the intensity of it; the flooding that happens sometimes.

Case in point: recently read a study of the difference in men's and women's crying. There are even chemical differences in the tears. And what's really interesting, is that the expression of "pain" we associate with crying faces... is actually an the effort of the attempt to NOT cry... like steam pressure building up in a pressure cooker or boiler... until.... a "leak" or emotional breaking point is caused and then the tears come streaming out. The authors couldn't conclusively say one way or the other... if one feels better after crying or not. Some participants would say yes - but the effect wears off quickly... some said no... so I suspect there is an internal perception at work... perhaps shame at showing tears... a deflated feeling after the pressure is released... or just a relief and release of tension... and each person "judges" or discerns within themselves whether this is better than the "before" or not... and that's probably linked to the original stimulus and each person's unique connection with it.

[sKePTiKal]

My my. Seems there are a lot of things that get in my way (all self-generated) of just "getting on with it".

Entitlement - absolutely, I've found myself feeling entitled to "abuse" myself via bad habits... either from perceptions of being badly treated by others... or simply from the amount of suffering that I go through (regardless of source). This makes absolutely no sense... except perhaps in context with survivor's guilt... or perhaps, from the idea of competitiveness: Look, mom.... I've suffered way more than you... now, will you care about me? Now, will you drop your silly delusions and come be in the real world??

Back in the twisted, turning paths of sorting out my FOO crap, I coined a phrase "negative attachment"... it's where one deliberately seeks out the awful, bad, and hurtful things because a false expectation or promise; the image of and not the relatity of - a relationship... and it's come up again, in this context of trying to move out from under these lifelong predilections, habits & reflexes and make those changes I want, a reality. Just like I couldn't "stand down" in my war with my mother... until I was able to just let that go (those words simply don't do justice to the amount of & kind of effort involved)... I couldn't start; couldn't begin to assess who I was all by myself...

... just so, I see that this primary relationship with MomBro has colored, polluted, and tainted how I see relationships in general - and how I am in them. Even to the point of my relationship with my Self...

Twigs seems to be clutching on to this idee fixe; obsessed she is; with this one particular means of coping, trying to be seen & heard, and of being "entitled" - owed - justified - in pursuing these means, of getting recognition... belonging... being accepted. Even as, she's now aware that it had/has no impact on MomBro... none whatsoever... and that it's becoming an obstacle in and of itself, of other things she wants.

And - y'all are right about the shame component to all this, too. That's a little harder to "see", except in those funny "embarrassed" moments - like when I freeze up & feel awful stupid & like I "just can't" about swimming a lap or two in the pool; setting myself to excercise 15-20 mins a day... or any other kind of self-care. I feel stupid and embarassed about doing what I know I CAN do; so I don't. I suspect that's because Twigs experienced - not so many big, public, eventful shaming things... but that it was sort of daily dose... the drip-drip-drip... shaming that she took without protest or verbal objection for fear of her mom...

that was revealed when hubs tried to tell me - look, why don't you weed that bed this way? It's a better way to do it. And I finally snapped and said: ya know, you can do it that way, if you like. I'm weeding it, I'll do it the way I want to. And then, I let the irritation and annoyance of having to draw my line in the sand, gooooo.....

There's an essential boundary in there... something Twigs & I weren't allowed - THEN, but that I'm carving out NOW.

Many, many moments like that in the past few days. Like something old & entrenched is coming unmoored and starting to float away... and that's a good thing.

[sKePTiKal]

Overwhelmed - overstressed (to the point that I'm feeling my struggle/pain physically again - overtired - overextended ...
and I just want to be "over it". People around me sick of it, too.

Simple CBT behavioral change not working; seriously intense emotions getting in the way - setting up functional paralysis AGAIN. Trying not to go down that path... it's pointless.

I have written a draft of a proposal for my bro; needs editing - and this morning I woke with numbers and dates in my head and the clear understanding that action must take place quickly. "or else..." Took me two weeks to distill it down to just facts and keep all the emotion out of it (and I couldn't resist making a few pointed personal comments).

A huge sense of the return of the 16-Ton Anvil weighing me down again; embarrassed that I have to lower myself to pointing out obvious facts that bro doesn't even acknowledge... and begging my brother to make a normal, sane business decision - shame that I haven't done a better job of protecting myself from being this kind of hostage to his incompetent disregard for basic business transactions or warding off my current crisis. [reminder: I'm doing this on hubs' recommendation - not because I have any realistic expectation that bro will understand the proposal, much less agree to it.]

And just soooooo tired of it all. I got an email this morning from my old neighbor and he made me laugh out loud; I need to laugh more before I forget what it sounds like and feels like. It's making me wonder what is beyond depression - is it despair? or desperation? Or that sense of shrinking down so small, in the hopes that you'll be invisible and it'll all go away and leave you alone, so you can breathe?

One foot in front of the other... keep going.

[Hopalong]

I'm sorry, Amber. What a weight.

Are you wanting him to buy you out of the businesses so you can not have to keep tending them?

Whatever your proposal, I hope he accepts it. And if he will not deal reasonably, I know you are
able to change your mind.

That's what you have to remember...you have the right to change your mind.

Don't you? I hope? I'm not sure what the nature of the partnership is, legally, but surely,
one who wants to not participate any more has the right to extricate herself.

Sending peace, it will be all right. This is unpleasant but it's not war.

love,

Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks Hops... I came back to edit in one more thing:

I can bemoan the "what should be" all I want... but the only thing I can work with, is the "what it is".

And that gets right to the heart of the long-standing issues I've dealt with... and my basic boundary of "self" and my right to want/need and my right to ask to have those wants/needs met. Should this proposal be ignored or refused - or even negotiated down to an inadequate solution...

... then, I'm afraid it is war. Not the hand to hand, face to face kind; it will be as civil as I can make it... but I WILL do what I need to do, to survive and defend myself, even from denial, ignorance, and plain old meanness and not caring - no matter who my opponent is. I really can't post any details of what I know I can do - legally, safely, and within my rights. Fairly. But this current proposal is his last chance before I begin invoking the next level. And if that is where we go... I'm going to have to release the outcome and simply hope for the best.

What you said awhile back... was what was necessary for me. I had to grieve for the absence all along... for the family and those relationships I didn't have. I am still sliding into that quite a bit. And the anger is still there, too. It's a primal, survival kind of anger... not just a whiny, I'll have my way or make everyone miserable kind of thing. I have a right to survive without grovelling and being restricted by MomBro. I have a right to be different from them. And I remembered something...

... involving L & R brain... and an idea I had the last time I saw my T... "systems" and structured frameworks for making changes have a tendency to backfire with me; like all the CBT techniques for quitting smoking or how some drugs have a completely opposite effect on me than in other people... my training needs to be way more organic, emotional, intuitive - nurturing even - than some kind of intellectual boot-camp. I'm at my best, flying by the seat of my pants and making it up as I go along. No idea why or where that came from... but I thrive here better than a lot of people (and scare a lot people when I'm in that place, too).

Right now, I'm hanging on to MIL saying: I just don't understand how people can be like that. It helps me breathe and gather myself together, and move forward.

[sKePTiKal]

So... the whole idea for this new approach that I would like to finally get off the ground and stop talking about... and doing it instead... came from something I wrote about the psychological benefits - mental & emotional - of tai chi. I finally got to see it in print, so here it is:

What's known as the "monkey mind" gets out of balance in people and this results in increasing levels of mental, emotional, and even physical stress. One acts and feels besieged under this kind of inner pressure. Learning the 103 forms, internalizing the sequence, and using the attention to focus on achieving the standard in each form while developing the slow, smooth, large forms inherent in Yang Style keeps one's "monkey mind" busy enough. It resets the mind's proper relation to the whole person, creating an opportunity for the person to experience relief and relaxation from the constant chattering - some of which is likely self-critical and contains unrealistic expectations of oneself, or worse.

When the experience of this kind of relaxation begins to accumulate and become familiar to the person, there is a kind of confidence that develops and begins to grow, which further deepens the feeling and experience of "song" (relaxation). Enough of that experience can alter one's perception of oneself and how one feels they are connected to other people and the overall sense of well-being pervading one's daily life, in body, mind and spirit. That was the positive inner benefit that I discovered in the regular practice of tai chi! It's like preventative medicine for the mind and spirit, as well as exercise for the body, building up immunity to to stress and inner ailments.

Then, the article goes on to document clinical studies that have been done that support what I wrote. I just contributed these few paragraphs of anecdotal experience to the author. Once written, the words and their meaning - the knowledge - just slipped right out of my mind...forgotten in the to-do lists, the feeling of being pulled in 15 different directions simultaneously... the panic, the crises, because I haven't confronted my brother sooner on business issues (hubs keeps cautioning me about confrontations - but it has to be done - it's not a right/wrong conflict)... and so I tried to get back to what I knew I had written; needed to in fact...

and now that I see it (only lightly edited)... I wonder who that wise person was and where did she go? WHY did she go?
And gee: I really need my own prescription for my currently over-stressed and over-whelmed existence... especially as the physical expression of my feelings are acting up again. It worked before - and quite well. What I wrote was my experience; how I felt and what I noticed was different about me, while I maintained a semblance of regular practice.

The only real obstacle in my way - is a feeling. I feel stupid, embarrassed, rediculous when I attempt to practice, now. Something is welling up inside wailing "I can't"... "I'll do it wrong"... and sometimes even - "someone will make fun of me". I used to help teach beginners, in class with my teachers. I was seriously interested in becoming a certified teacher, within the Yang Family society. I have been on stage performing with my classmates to a full house - including visiting masters.

I even feel this way, wearing some really pretty fun chinese style clothes... I feel like a fraud; an imposter; a wannabe - again.

And I know my teacher would tell me to stop thinking about how it feels - just try this one move; and my T (who has studied tai chi a long time, also) would ask me how I feel about the feelings that come up. Where I think they're coming from... and why. But the thing is, that while this feeling stops me in my tracks - and is OLD in origin - the reason I'm feeling it now, is directly attributable to myself. I stopped practicing... thinking I didn't need to do this anymore (a bit of egoism there, perhaps)... that I'd assimilated the knowledge... and besides, I was bored with it. I wanted to do some new things; have new experiences.

So, I was wrong. Even my own words explain how the regular practice is "preventative medicine"... words I conveniently forgot. And the meaning of the words, is simple - some things have to be a life-long practice: like self-care... it needs to be a regular thing like brushing your teeth... whether it's boring or not - because the effects of the practice simply do not exist without the effort, the repetition... well-being can't be established simply by being and breathing... or a life-long dependency on some pill. It's not just first-aid for an injury.

Yes, that lesson was something I should've learned via a parent who kindly insisted and imposed this kind of self-care learning on me. But of course, I didn't have that kind of parent. It's the repetition, regularity, the on-going application of self-care that's important... not just keeping it back - one's secret weapon - for a first-aid application. It's such a SIMPLE thing... to put into words... absolutely way more difficult to put into practice. As if something sabotages making self-care a routine...

Maybe it was the idea that, OH... I know how to do this now and it doesn't matter if I do it today. (the "doesn't matter" strikes again)

Maybe there was the idea and simple hope that - while coming out of the FOO-fog - that gee, someday I'd get to the end of therapy (I did), and that I'd be "all better"... and my life would make sense... and everyone lives happily ever after... and no more effort was required; I was "fixed". So, I'd achieved my individual level of expertise in tai chi where I was sure and fairly well accomplished (but there is always a higher level of skill)... and even tho' I heard my own thoughts warning about how body memory does fade... how the sequence of postures can instantly escape even masters... and that without practice of SOME kind; SOME amount... it was unrealistic to believe that the benefits would remain a reality for me...

Even so, my "decider" decided that "it didn't matter"... I was "fixed" now... I could be a slug and pick it up again later - and maybe the shame feelings would go away or decrease enough for me to get back into a routine... if I just didn't force the issue. A year later - it still hasn't happened.

I'm starting to wonder just who this "decider" is... is it me or Twigs or some conflated jumble of cliches, old wives tales, and the well-meaning attempts of various people all rolled into some kind of collective reason brain... and I'm wondering if maybe I need to jump into the driver's seat and take control of the wheel... in a parental sort of way instead of trying to rely on this committee of ideas and parts of myself, to "decide" things.