What is the most defining characteristic of the N in your life?

[Gabben]

What do people find or feel is the most outstanding/defining characteristic of the N?

In my experience with the N's I found that it was her lack or difficulty with empathy.




An obvious self-focus in interpersonal exchanges
Problems in sustaining satisfying relationships
A lack of psychological awareness (see insight in psychology and psychiatry, egosyntonic)
Difficulty with empathy
Problems distinguishing the self from others (see narcissism and boundaries)
Hypersensitivity to any sleights or imagined insults (see criticism and narcissists, narcissistic rage and narcissistic injury)
Vulnerability to shame rather than guilt
Haughty body language
Flattery towards people who admire and affirm him or her
Detesting those who do not admire him or her
Using other people without considering the cost to them of his or her doing so
Pretending to be more important than he or she is
Bragging (subtly but persistently) and exaggerating his or her achievements
Claiming to be an "expert" at most things
Inability to view the world from the perspective of other people
Denial of remorse and gratitude

[Guest]

Ditto.

Lack of empathy underscores all the other behaviours, causes most of them I imagine.

[sKePTiKal]

The fact that they're easy to spot - they out themselves.
And since the pattern is so recognizable, I know I have to lower my expectations of them...

it's like avoiding known zombie hang-outs. I always have a choice - and when I must confront or have dealings with them - I know what to expect and take the proper precautions for myself.

[that is... I'm working on this right now... haven't master it yet!]

[Twoapenny]

Wow, what a list!  I feel like there should be a picture of my mum next to it.

I don't know if I can pick one characteristic out?  The problems with empathy definitely come very high on the list, and, as Guest says, probably affects many of the others.  I suppose the characteristic that's caused me the most problems is that she thinks she's an expert on everything, hence the multiple false accusations because she felt she could see a cause of my son's problems that around seventy professionals missed.  Bizarrely, on one letter she's written, she claims that it's me that keeps dismissing the professionals and claiming they are all wrong, which was very odd (especially as I was paying a fortune to see some of them).  She does act like she has empathy at times, she just can't keep it up for very long (two weeks is about her limit).  So I guess there must be some sense that she's aware of what would be expected of her, but it's not instinctive?  mmm, something for me to think about!

[SilverLining]

It is definitely hard to pick out one.  For both of my parents, possibly the most notable characteristic is the first: An obvious self focus in interpersonal exchanges.  Possibly resulting from this is an inability to sustain satisfying relationships.  They both demonstrate a lack of psychological awareness (of others).   My father certainly thinks he is an expert on everything and has a near total inability to view the world from the perspective of others.  My mother has no remorse or gratitude, just endless complaints about nearly everybody.

The list is definitely helpful in pinning down the signs and symptoms.  

[Nonameanymore]

I was about to write lack of empathy (fancy for 'inability to love (me)') but I would go for her inability to accept others as separate personalities and not extensions of herself

[Overcomer]

Rewriting history.  She even tells people the lie right in front if someone who could out her.  Small example.  I emailed a guy and told him was hush hush but we were wanting to sell our business. He said he was very interested.  Later on when asked about selling the business she said, " when X contacted us about buying the business blah blah blah....".  Small but a lie.

She rewrites history all the time.  We make a decision at work and six months later she accused us of going behind her back even though she was part of the decision.  We almost implementing a meeting minutes with signatures if everyone there so we could keep her from not remembering.

[Hopalong]

Kelly,

Good to hear from you!

How it is all going...so many things.

xo
Hops

[Guest]

Can I add to the list?...

the odd way they never change. Their opinions, tastes, views of the world...

stay in a rut. Like they're stuck at some particular time.

And

they think nobody else could possibly know some 'new' thing they just heard about or learned. So they tell you about it as if you haven't a clue. Even if it's ...like....oh...vitamin C is good for colds (debatable).

Not a clue.

[Nonameanymore]

I agree Guest, and may I add the exact opposite of what you describe: if you learn something knew, they are quick to dismiss/ discredit you with a question of the sort 'says who??' or 'who told you?'

[Guest]

Agreed P. The world must conform to their version of reality. Sometimes the world steps in and says 'no', but rarely.

[Meh]

The way no-body is home (blink, blink....blink, stare..)  in that skin she wears.  

And then before she gets into bed at night she screws her head off and puts it in a box on the cheapest antique night stand, all the green alien goop oozing out until the next morning when she puts her head back on.

(I'm just venting cus I have to see her in a couple days to "celebrate" yay.)
 

[sKePTiKal]

LOL... Boat - you just made me laugh! There is something hysterically funny to me in that image. Maybe because of the horrible, scary truth in it.

Edit in: just heard about this - more of my favorite kind of humor - the CDC actually hosts a preparedness site for the Zombie Apocalypse:

http://emergency.cdc.gov/socialmedia/zombies_blog.asp

[Meh]

Holy smoke PR....And the world ends May 21st, wait......that starts in a few hours....when dawn breaks.....we better be ready.

Deep breath.

[sKePTiKal]

Is it when dawn breaks in a specific place? Coz I was up at dawn here, and nothing that I can see has really changed - including me!
Or am I one of the "Left Behind", because my mom was right about me after all? Maybe I should've had one less glass of wine last night...

OH BTW, Boat - you'd like what we did last night. We went to a thankyou dinner for contributors to a rebuilt fishing pier, that is now part of our state's aquariums. We sponsored some memorials for the "good parents" that we've lost who all loved the beach, ocean and fishing. It's considered to be one of the longest piers in the country and built to withstand the storms we get from time to time. The end of the pier is 1000 ft out in the deep water of the atlantic - and when you look back, you realize how far it is to the breakers. They'll have all kinds of educational & conservation type programs for kids - part of the aquarium's mission - and they've designed it with a family focus: kids have learned to fish from piers here for years. So there is a lot of local history involved, too. It all started when fishermen realized that the fishing was great around the hulk of a shipwreck, in the 1920s...

... and it's a public space... beautiful Pier House building with a view I don't think I've seen anywhere else on this coast (yet)... 3 wind turbines that will generate 80% of the facilities electric needs, in season... and they're up for the architectural LEED certification for the design and building of the whole structure.

But, truly... the sense of being there is way more poetic; when you get to the end of the pier you're out where the fishing boats congregate to bring in massive hauls of fish following the gulf stream and the dophins play UNDER the pier - yet it's built so simply and is so strong, the proportions of height, width and length just right... to feel as if you're on a solid rock finger of land that extends out in greeting to Mother Ocean. It's waaaay cool. I've never been so far out in the water without being on a boat - and that's an amazing sensation.