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Can I ask another question?

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Nonameanymore:
Hey Tap and everyone,

It's been ages I' ve been to this board.
First of all, so happy all is sorted.

I am definitely not qualified to offer love advice ( :lol: :lol:) but remember that during the first years in CODA I came across a book called Addiction to Love (don't remember the author, bought it from amazon). In this book the therapist describes the 'normal' scenario and pace of a romantic relationship and as far as I remember it was a)tortoise pace and b) really, really different from what I've experienced before (and since) I read it.
In few words the author says that there is courting, friendship, then getting intimate/romantic, then deciding to see each other exclusively. What I found odd when I read it was the going from courting/flirting to friendship rather that what I was used to which was flirting, jumping to bed, making silly and irrational demands right from the start (and sometimes from day 1!)
It seemed great and lovely just to be able to read that at least you,us,I, have the possibility of such a balanced relationship.

Your guy seems pretty caring and ok!

Much love
P xx

Twoapenny:
((((((((((((Persephone)))))))))))))

Good to see you back!  I will add that book to my Amazon order, now have three good reads to get stuck into.  What you describe - flirting, bed, silly demands - is (was) me to a T, usually under a fog of booze and drugs as well.  As I've been off the booze and drugs for so long I've just had no idea how you do it without being under the influence.  So tortoise pace/friendship/intimacy/talking is all new ground for me, and maybe for him as well?

Anyway, I am trying to focus on it as a learning experience and not to try and push it too much - just let it open and see what happens, as TT describes with reading a book.  Am also trying to relax a bit more in general and not keep pushing/punishing myself so much.  New, new ground but I am trying really hard.

Good to see you back hope all is well with you :) xx

BonesMS:
Yay, (((((TwoAPenny))))))))!!!!

You go, girl!!!!

sKePTiKal:

--- Quote ---This is very new territory for me, I have never had an 'honest' chat with a man before.
--- End quote ---

It will be OK. Really. It will be more than one chat... and it will provide you with a whole new way of seeing "men" than you might've had in the past. With any luck, this guy will be one of the one's who is not afraid to show you his feelings - talk about them - so that you will be able to see the "real" person inside - and what you were attracted to, in him, inititally. Sounds like it might even be an adventure for both of you!

Hubs and I did this - very, very differently from other men I'd known previously. It took many days... months... to finally hear the whole story. Hubs has "layers" to him, the outward personality with the usual male ego... an incredibly sensitive and open and charming set of southern manners (I guess because he's so secure within his knowledge of his own SELF)... he is a grown-up little boy: fun-loving, sweet, caring and tender - his feelings are easily hurt by my armadillo shell & manner of going through life like an armored vehicle.... yet he's always got my back, protective, helpful (if I'm letting him help that moment)... and yes -- he was also dealing with problems that he didn't want to share with me or get me involved in. That was a new concept right there - he wasn't dumping it on me...

Maybe if you think of this "getting to know you" stage as a safari - an exploration that requires a caravan of necessary equipment, skilled cooks, hunters, mountain climbers and you're venturing out into the wilderness together... to discover whatever is there (no predetermined "goal" - just to go)...  maybe that'll help.

The other piece of advice is something hubs and I agreed on, very very early in the life-revealing conversations. We agreed that no matter what happened with our relationship in the future, that we'd remain friends. We'd both been divorced twice... and we'd already been casual friends for years; liked each other, helped each other in certain situations. I think this was a very important agreement between us... it has room for us to be angry with other within the definition of friends... and to makeup; forgive; and try to understand the other's point of view... and respect our differences. I guess that's boundaries, in our sense of the word.

One of the first stories he told me, was about when he was 17... his dad died of a brain aneurism. I didn't know about the "contents" of my own grief then - but I immediately "connected" with him in that place; I knew - that he knew - and we'd be able to even walk through that place - together. And he knew... that I knew the feelings that go with that... and would "keep on keeping on" to the best of my ability.


I will keep my fingers crossed for you, Penny... maybe you too will find someone like this; maybe it's this guy... maybe it's another... but it will be OK.

Nonameanymore:
hey TaP,

The author of the book is Susan Peabody. She even mentions Narcissism but I was unaware of these issues back when I read it.

Just remember that you deserve love - don't we all do??! - and to relax and enjoy the process!

xxx

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