Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Can I ask another question?
Twoapenny:
Phoenix I've had a couple of times when it's been like you describe - both times to do with being abused and both times it seemed to come out of nowhere and it was the whole thing - the memory, the feelings and the emotion (terror, primarily) all at once. A long time ago now, though, and nothing like that since, so I don't know what to make of that but tend not to think about it too much - I am trying to go with the 'take it as it comes approach' these days. Glad you are doing okayish and hope you get some lady of leisure time soon :)
I have finished Addiction to Love, was very good and definitely something to keep dipping back into, I think. I recognised a lot of myself in parts of it, although I think (thankfully) none of it was a suprise, I was aware of the things I've done in the past, just in that odd state of not really knowing what to do instead. I am still in two minds about new possible chap. He seems to do an awful lot for other people that doesn't seem to be appreciated or even needed, judging by some of the things he's told me. Very much like myself until relatively recently, to be honest! More like him needing to be needed than actually being needed, possibly. Difficult because the knowing when to speak and when to say nothing about that sort of thing is a skill I am still practising so I've found it a bit difficult to know how to respond. He's also told me today that he might not be able to come down when he'd said he would. I just have that niggling feeling that it's fantasy rather than anything that might actually happen. But I am not going to do anything - I am focusing on myself, eating well, resting, I'm doing my house up a little bit at a time, seeing a bit more of my friends than I used to and I think the time has come to try and find some sort of out of the house hobby I can do without my son once a week - a little evening class or exercise group, something like that. Money's always a problem but where there's a will there's a way and all that! But I think it important to focus on me - if he slots in that's great, if not then maybe it wasn't meant to be anyway?
Twoapenny:
I've been thinking about this more since I posted. I am aware that I pull away from nice guys - I'm pre-disposed to men that treat me badly. I'm aware that the possibility of an actual relationship frightens me so I often pull away if it looks like I might actually get what I keep saying I want. Those two things keep me in a quandry when I meet a guy and start having negative feelings - I never know whether it's self sabotage or instinct telling me to get out. But what struck me a little while ago is that this guy is making me feel like I don't matter. It's been two months since I went to visit him. He should have been down here by now. I am worth making that journey for, and I do think for the first time in my life I really mean that. To tell me today that he might not be coming is wrong - worse than if he'd told me he definitely isn't, because 'maybe' leaves it all up in the air. I don't like that feeling, it makes me feel insecure, which in turn is what makes me feel like I don't matter. He should have got this organised by now. Someone else said in the thread that his actions don't match his words. I think I see that more clearly now.
I'm not going to cancel on him, just in case I'm wrong about this and I am pulling away for no reason. If he comes down I'll meet with him as arranged and see how I feel after that. If he doesn't come then I think I will look on this as a good experience - I've had some really good chats with a guy I enjoy talking to. I've shown myself I can do proper conversations with men. I've listened to little niggling worries, been honest with him, given him the chance to change the situation if necessary. These are all things I've never done before so this has been a good thing at least in terms of practise if nothing else!
ann3:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on May 25, 2011, 03:29:48 PM --- But what struck me a little while ago is that this guy is making me feel like I don't matter. It's been two months since I went to visit him. He should have been down here by now. I am worth making that journey for, and I do think for the first time in my life I really mean that. To tell me today that he might not be coming is wrong - worse than if he'd told me he definitely isn't, because 'maybe' leaves it all up in the air. I don't like that feeling, it makes me feel insecure, which in turn is what makes me feel like I don't matter. He should have got this organised by now. Someone else said in the thread that his actions don't match his words. I think I see that more clearly now.
--- End quote ---
Right on, girl! YOU are worth it!
teartracks:
--- Quote ---To tell me today that he might not be coming is wrong - worse than if he'd told me he definitely isn't, because 'maybe' leaves it all up in the air.
--- End quote ---
Two,
He sounds a bit the Euphemist. How to say what you don't mean?
tt
Twoapenny:
Thank you, Ann! The Betrayal Bond arrived today. Read a few pages tonight - explosive stuff! He says right at the beginning that it's a book that many find difficult to read. He's mentioned childhood abuse three times and he's hit the nail on the head on each occasion (where I'm concerned, at least). Very powerful stuff. Think it will be very useful. Thank you.
TT, yes, I think you're right! I don't get the sense with him that it's just a line or sweet talk - I think he probably thinks he means it when he says it but that he's got a sort of imaginary thing going on that doesn't fit with the real thing? Ie the idea of what he's talking about appeals to him but he's not willing/able to follow it through and make it happen? I just think I need to work on filling my life up with other 'stuff' a bit more, so that there isn't a great yawning chasm that should/could be filled a bit with hobbies, friends, nice long walks and so on. Another project to work on!
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