Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Can I ask another question?

<< < (11/13) > >>

sKePTiKal:
Penny: sometimes all you can do to put that little girl back together again - is wrap your arms around the whole mess and hug & rock it... let the tears fall until they stop [because damn it, that's "voice" too]... and wait for her to talk to you. In my case, she did... I've heard others say that they couldn't connect anymore... and in either case: people turn out just fine. Photos help. It'll be OK; it'll be allright...

what I find strange about me, is that when I do experience that kind of love & acceptance - either from my self or someone else - is when the tears come uncontrollably; it seems counter-intuitive and nonsensical and wack that something that's supposed to feel good makes me cry but it does. And maybe that's a combination of grief and relief and daring to "hope" that I'm OK, after all. So... while I look like I'm gregarious and an outgoing person - when someone approaches the most interior, smallest nesting doll that is "me".... I back off; I freak out; I'm scared I won't be able to explain myself and this odd conjunction or action/reaction that happens. Even if the person approaching is me; that's why I nicknamed her the "feral cat", you know?

Patience, Grasshopper!

Ann: that egg-shell or tightrope walking of self-doubt has one more aspect to it, for me - I have these immovable self-care issues; like mountains they're that unconquerable. And yet, it still "feels" to one part of me... that I'm just making an excuse for "how I am". I've been studying it almost as long as I've been on the board and I still don't understand it; still can't "see" the whole picture.

The important parts are: this self-doubt has a double significance - both as protection or disguise (as in, not challenging the abuser) and to gain what is the sugar-free substitute for true love & acceptance - "approval" from the abuser; one's "hall pass" to be and to freely engage in all aspects of life - no matter HOW MUCH they denied me or required of me; how much it hurt. If they can instill this kind of doubt in the "target" - they feel assured of ultimate victory and control. And I'm not sure that I haven't just "given up" when I doubt myself; it's almost as if I'm bestowing on the abuser the AUTHORITY to condemn me to a life of self-doubt [if these are really screwed up people, why do I presume they have that kind of power???]... and not even voicing that teenaged whiny protest about "you can't tell me who I am" that they go through when they dye their hair purple, get tattoos... and all look alike in their "individuality". (I did this, too.) No....

on the contrary, I'm silent because I want to "escape"; be tougher than, able to take more than - the people who hurt me. I'm biding my time... maybe that's it, Ann! Maybe someone forgot to ring Pavlov's bell... or send me the coded message that will self-destruct or I just never "saw"... that I made it already; I survived and am not a bad person; not perfect... have learned a lot (have a lot more to learn)... but I'm no longer stuck reliving the same FOO nightmare as they are insisting on recreating; I'm already free. And this "close encounter" I had with the whole wacked scenario, in April ALMOST sucked me in. IT'S NOT GOING ON RIGHT NOW, you know? I know them for what they are and I'm not falling for the old trick of getting hooked into the round-robin game where they make me angry - and then pull the rug out from under me with gaslighting and laugh. It's just that my feral cat inner child, thinks it IS - because of the business conflict with bro.

And since I never learned that all the self-care stuff: being nice to myself and not driving myself into exhaustion, allowing myself to have fun, enjoy things and feel good with people and just REST and relax... and since it's actually a "requirement" for the kind of resiliance needed to keep going... maybe I oughta give it a try.

I'm getting too old to let the feral cat, drive ALL the time.

Twoapenny:
Phoenix:

Patience, Grasshopper

That made me laugh for the first time this week!!  Thank you :)

And as for everything else you said - I have just sat nodding furiously in agreement to every single thing you wrote.  I don't want to be obsessed with all this, and sometimes I'm not.  Sometimes I do feel 'normal' - just that I'm not preoccupied with a dozen different things, I can sit in the park and feel the sun and build a sandcastle with my boy and it feels right and okay and it's all good and my mind is filled with 'normal' stuff.  But it's other times when something sets me off and I can feel him/smell him/sense him and every bit of me is screaming that I need to run - but of course there's no-one there and the threat isn't real so I can't 'run' in the real sense of the word, I can only block it out with food or work or pretending it's being skint I'm angry at or whatever is easiest at the time.  Or I can sit with how it feels and feel so small and defenceless and weak, I can see that little girl and I feel so angry, why did no-one come and get her?  Where was everybody, how could anyone just shrug their shoulders and turn their back and leave her to suffer so badly and then, just to compound all that, tell her it was all her fault anyway and then, when she dared to try and help herself and protect other children, so many people turned on her and told her she was crazy, she was mad, she was a bad mum and that she was lying.  And then all of that goes as well and I'm just left feeling like I've been run over, I've cried so much I've used up every tissue in the house and throughout all of it there isn't one damn person I feel I can ring and say I'm really hurting now can you come get me?  And I suppose that's why I keep trying to work through it to stop those bad times happening.  Maybe that's part of it, having to accept that the bad times will come, you just have to keep your head above water during them until they go again?  Maybe part of the need for control is to be able to control the bad feelings now, instead of just 'feeling bad' and accepting that.  And now I'm making my brain ache again!  Ha ha.  I'm off to do tea and make some puzzles with my boy :)

Thank you (((((((((((((Phoenix))))))))))))))))))

sKePTiKal:
Way back, one of the things that used to irritate me NO END (and when hubs gets on this kick still does)...
is that people would actually try to get me to shift out of those bad times... or insist that I fake a happy smile and just go on as if what I went through didn't matter - like stepping in dog doo, no biggie; shrug; clean it off and walk on.

No one would understand that I WAS that little kid that needed someone to come, hug, rock, kiss the boo-boo, offer cookie and milk, and say that what happened to me - how I felt about it - mattered and they cared.

I think the non-verbal message in having those bad times, for me, was that HEY: it does matter!! To me! I'm really NOT FINE. And because the comfort step above - the one that validates those bad feelings and says Honey, OF COURSE it was __________ and you felt _________. That's exactly normal... because the comfort step got skipped at least one too many times or got turned around and like you say -- I got blamed too for causing an uproar, being outraged, or inconsolable and that's so "bad parenting"... [sigh] and implies the message yet again, in another way that how I feel, who I am doesn't matter; what happened isn't important & you ought to be over that now.... which brings the blame and lack of parental responsibility (or neglect or abuse) completely full circle again...

[well, I know for a fact that this contributed to my lack of respect for limits; rules; the usual common sense guidelines... I couldn't very well cease to exist - which is what my kid logic was telling me was the ultimate message in that parental behavior, even tho I tried that too. When I came to the board, my name was Shunned. That is the last phase of actual reality I experienced with trying to get my mom to actually act like and be my mom; she shunned me until I took all my feellings & memories & experience that she was denying was real and important... I carved that whole section of me out of me... wrapped it up carefully... placed in a magic treasure box... locked it and threw away the key in 1969. Until 2005, that is... when I was helped to find the box and start re-claiming that bit of myself. It's not always pretty, mind you - but it's all me.]

In this respect: kids are smarter than grown-ups. They instinctively know how they feel, what they need even if they can't express it in an adult fashion. If they don't get that comfort time or re-established equilibrium or are taught that those needs aren't important enough to get met... the kid begins to actually see themselves as rejected; kicked out of the litter... and one step further: begins to believe "I am a reject"; "I am bad"; "I deserve to feel bad all the time". In my case, it was literally "done to" me over my stubborn silence and insistent objections and protests.

It's a bit different, when you're in the active healing process - but the difference is slight. You participate in your own parenting, rather - reparenting of that child that still lives within you or in some magical treasure box hiding place. AND - you are also the child who doesn't know how to say where & how it hurts or what is wrong... you experience; re-live these "feeling bad times" sometimes more frequently, intensely, or constantly; faster than you can actually intellectually and emotionally process all the information contained in them. If you had to explain: what was THAT all about? Could you say precisely, specifically? I sure couldn't... (and I'm still having trouble with how many words it takes to just "spit it out"... LOL)

I've learned to pay attention to what the non-verbal communication is from my inner child, when she's obviously sooooo upset that she's impacting how I feel, my ability to function in the rest of my life. Not saying she's not allowed to have her feelings and opinions about it - that they don't matter - but literally, until something "connects" and triggers her into action about something she did care about in the past and doesn't want to ever happen again, she's pretty quiet these days. She doesn't always speak in words sometimes to me; it's more these episodes of despair or anxiety or what have you. It tells me I need to reassure her that it's going to be OK; I need to give her (and myself) a comfort "time out". A rest period. I am responsible for her safety now. I am still learning how to best protect her. I make time - still - twice a day to just listen for her; see if she needs to tell me something. Sometimes, I forget - and I have to apologize. And I sometimes forget to THANK HER for how she helped me survive and then later - how she helped me figure out what happened to me - who I am - and then she puts her hands on her hips and clears her throat, tapping me sharply on the shoulder... saying in her sarcastic, pretend grownup voice: Did you forget something?????

I'll turn around and hug her and say Yes, Ma'am! Thank you Ma'am. Smile... and we're good for a while. We played house a lot, you know.

Twoapenny:
Phoneix, I love what you wrote.  Do you think, then, that when these horrible periods come along of feeling so bad, that is your own little girl having a bad time?  And in those moments, because she is feeling bad, that is when you need to do the comfort bit that was missed out the first time around, to listen, soothe, reassure, tell her it will be okay?  And if she's angry ask her why and let her express it and validate it for her?  Tell her she has every right to be angry, all that sort of thing?

BonesMS:

--- Quote from: Twoapenny on May 31, 2011, 03:48:10 PM ---Thanks Bonesie ((((((((((((((Bonesie)))))))))))))))))))))))

I've spent the whole rest of the day having a complete meltdown.  I have no idea whether what is in my head is me, my family, my counsellor (who at times like this I stop trusting and start wondering if she's just out to get me like everyone else).  I can't separate my thoughts from my feelings, daren't get it wrong, I feel like I'm walking on egg shells the whole time just to get through the day, trying to avoid triggers, bad memories, bad feelings, eating or drinking the wrong things, walking or talking the wrong way, spending money, not spending money, staying in, going out - it's like there's not one thing in my life that I know is me, or that I know is right or true or just.  It gets into such a jumble and I cried and cried and cried but I don't even know why.  I'm massively doubting the situation with this chap now, I've no idea whether I've handled the whole thing the right way or not, I've no idea what the right way is!!!  And my book still hasn't arrived!  Why do I do this to myself?  Times like this I just want to hug my mum because I feel like I really see inside her bat shit crazy head and I can see how she got where she is - she was like this one too many times and her brain just shut it all down so she could cope.  It makes me feel like my heart is being torn out again.  Sorry.  Rambling on xxx

--- End quote ---

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((TwoAPenny)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I can understand how everything feels all jumbled up.  It's hard to know how and what to trust when we've learned, the hard way, that we are unable to trust anything!  If we can't trust our mothers, as a result of their abuse, who can we trust?

Bones

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page