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Can I ask another question?

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sKePTiKal:

--- Quote from: Twoapenny on June 04, 2011, 02:09:52 AM ---Phoneix, I love what you wrote.  Do you think, then, that when these horrible periods come along of feeling so bad, that is your own little girl having a bad time?  And in those moments, because she is feeling bad, that is when you need to do the comfort bit that was missed out the first time around, to listen, soothe, reassure, tell her it will be okay?  And if she's angry ask her why and let her express it and validate it for her?  Tell her she has every right to be angry, all that sort of thing?

--- End quote ---

Uh-HUH... EXACTLY right. And it's not like it'll take a lot of time, after a few sessions of practice (some things were harder and deeper and took longer, though)... what I'm trying to say, is that my Twigs was so hungry for that comfort and even the angry soapbox spotlight with someone who really cared, listening... that when I started to give her that, it helped almost immediately, but also opened up the "channel" - the floodgates - and she took advantage of that and I found she had a lot more to say, repeatedly even, before the original "symptom" of the miserable agony of the emotions started to subside, become less intense and metamorphose into part of a "known" set of facts... it turned out to be the process of digesting the un-digestible for she and I. Eventually... she quieted and we went on to another step in the healing process... and all the he said/she said/he did/I felt... passed away into a boring re-run of a soap opera... the mundane, dry, historical facts of my existence -- up until the time I began healing, caring about myself, comforting the desolate Twigs. Mind you, it's still possible for me (us) to be triggered right back into those intense emotions, even now... depending on the stimulus.

When you start to be able to tell the difference between the little Penny feeling bad - and you feeling bad for little Penny and wanting to make it all better... you will have turned the corner. It'll just be a sense of how things are... I think. For me, I think I lost my fear of knowing the details of the drama and experiences of Twigs; I couldn't help her if I was afraid too. And with both of us working together on the same "process" - with the same goal - connected - we started to merge and integrate and grow into each other. Like Shel Silverstein's "missing piece" was found. Like a teenager who discovers her authentic self is a lot different from the poseur identity she created to fit in with her peers... there is a lot of "inside the head and emotions housecleaning, remodeling, and redecorating" that happens.

I'm really glad you asked those questions, Penny. I needed reminding... that I can do this for myself; and that expecting my friends or hubs to do anything more than simply "understand" what I'm going through.... is too much to expect from that relationship. It's what a parent does for a child - and I sure don't want my hubs taking on that role!! He's bossy enough, even though he's "only trying to help" - LOL...

Hopalong:
((((((Tupp)))))), honey.

I just want to say you are a good person.

And that confusion is not a crime.

Who wouldn't be confused?

You're sorting through so much and trying to do everything perfectly and a meltdown seems like a very sensible thing to appear on the calendar now and then.

I think you deserve enormous mercy, and kindness, and comfort. And also permission to just be where you are (including spats of whirling, days of doubt).

It helps me sometimes when I lose confidence, to remember that emotions are like weather. I am still here, but sometimes around me, outside my skin, there is wind, hail, snow, downpours, or sunshine, gentle breezes, soft spring breeze, calm simple rain, and that every day, even when it's not visible...there is sunset, there is dawn.

You will have the good weather again. Don't despair.

And don't blame yourself. Confusion makes sense. Clarity comes.

love to you,
Hops

Twoapenny:
Thank you, Bonesie.  The learning to trust again is difficult, I think.  I am getting there.  I have been reading a very good book called "Breaking the Chains of Abuse" by a lady called Sue Atkinson.  There are two things I really like about it.  One is that she is an actual survivor and is writing from her own experiences - rather than being a doctor or psychologist who is giving advice about something they haven't actually experienced.  The other is that she mentions at several times that she is still dealing with all this stuff, she still screws things up and there are things that she knows she ought to be doing but at times she can't.  She still has unanswered questions.  She is human!!  Her book has spoken to me in a really profound way.  One of the things she says in there is that you have to connect with people in order to heal.  You have to start reaching out to people for help with getting through the process and learn to trust again.  I can understand what she is saying and, as hard as it is, that is my next goal, to start reaching out to people I can talk to, face to face and start being honest with them about how bloody hard, lonely and unhappy my life is a lot of the time.  I did a couple of small things last week and told a couple of friends I think I may be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.  It's the first time I've really said it outloud to other people; I always thought people would think I was being stupid and making it up.  Both were really sympathetic and very caring.  It feels odd for me to accept care from people but I am trying anyway and I will keep trying!  Hugs to you ((((((((((((((((Bonesie))))))))))))))))

Phoenix, thank you, I am really trying to work with my little girl now.  The book I mentioned above talks about a lot of things to do with the inner child and healing those old traumas and I am going to try and listen to her and make her feel safer.  I always feel anxious if I can't see the door and always have the furniture facing it, even though that doesn't really work in some of our rooms.  I thought about it and I think that little Penny is scared that he is going to walk in, so she likes to be able to see the door all the time.  The adult in me wants the furniture arranged more conveniently, so I'm going to buy some pretty mirrors to hang so little Penny can see the door even is she's sitting in a chair facing away from it.  I thought I'd buy her some wind chimes as well and hang them over the doors, so that she can hear him if he walks through.  That way she might not be so scared all the time.  It's a small step but I think it is heading in the right direction.  I hope things are okay with you at the minute (((((((((((Phoenix))))))))))))

Hopsie, thank you.  I have also been reading A Fine Romance.  I wish I'd read this years ago!  I think it will help all my relationships, not just those with men.  I have realised the biggest problem is me, my lack of self-esteem, my fear of rejection and projecting my own negativity onto other people.  Today, for example, a lady knocked on my door to ask for directions.  I explained to her where she needed to go and she was very grateful and apologetic for bothering me.  On the one hand, I had been polite and helpful to a stranger, so she may go away thinking she had just met a nice lady.  On the other, I was still in my dressing gown at lunchtime and she could have thought that I was lazy, slovenly, a bad mother, scruffy etc.  I bet you can guess which one was in my head as she left!!  But A Fine Romance says those are your own negative thoughts that are being projected out, so I told myself I had no idea what she had thought and, either way, it didn't matter, and it worked - the anxiety went away and I haven't thought about her all day.  I just need to keep reminding myself to do it.  Thank you so much for suggesting it to me (((((((((((((Hopsie))))))))))))))))))

Hopalong:
SOOO glad, hon. Really glad!
That book was a revelation to me, made me feel so much safer.
There's no crime in not knowing what "normal" is and the great thing is, there are books/people who can explain how normal works! It's just a welcoming, comforting thing when the switch goes off and you realize,
It doesn't matter WHEN, I actually can learn this stuff.

And re:
--- Quote --- it's just hit me that I've just swapped all my 'must get it right' vibes from my mum to my therapist.  I am so desperate for her to think well of me, to be 'getting it right', pleasing her, doing well, being, of course, perfect.
--- End quote ---

How about starting a session soon with something like:
"I've realized I want to ask you to tell me it's okay for me to be a mess. I figured out I am letting myself be desperate to do THIS perfectly, and I'm in therapy because I need it to be okay to be so not perfect. To start where I am. Warts and all."

I mean, that's why you're in therapy! That's why everybody is!

I'd be amazed if she'd respond with anything other than something that will really help you be real. And real = healing.

xxoo
Hops

Hopalong:
PS--HUGE:


--- Quote ---so I told myself I had no idea what she had thought and, either way, it didn't matter
--- End quote ---

Yay, reality!

Bravo, Tupp.

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