Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
misery
Ales2:
The answer that is popping in my head is that I need a motivational therpaist who can understand where my N wounds get triggered adn I react in a way that sabotages my efforts. Its hard to not be understood or be able to get advice that is truly geared to my needs. I notice in work for example that I keep ending up in certain managerial jobs that I dont really care for, because I'm a people pleaser and need acceptance that happens in collaboration with people. But, I'm truly a creative person. But I cant be creative when I am down on myself, my work then suffers. So I gravitate toward something not really right for me, abandoning the work that will make me successful. The later, when someone above deosnt like me, I've already been demoralized
Its like I have to fight to keep myself on track to do my best work, so that peoples approval of me wont matter much, and if it does, I will then have sound, good work to fall back on. Make sense?
Oooohhh--- this is an epiphany for me right here!
Twoapenny:
Makes complete sense I have been similar for most of my life, always thinking about other people, having to be 150% good at everything just to escape a sense of complete failure - I still battle with it now. I did cleaning jobs for years despite the fact I had a good degree because I just didn't have the confidence to do anything else and, I suspect, I didn't want to do a better job than my mum (who also cleaned for years). My T has done quite a bit about triggers and reactions with me - something happens and you react as a wounded child rather than an intelligent, well educated woman. There's also that underlying sense of all those old messages playing over and over again. I really hope you are able to find someone that can help you soon xx
SilverLining:
--- Quote from: Ales2 on June 15, 2011, 02:30:54 PM ---The answer that is popping in my head is that I need a motivational therpaist who can understand where my N wounds get triggered adn I react in a way that sabotages my efforts. Its hard to not be understood or be able to get advice that is truly geared to my needs. I notice in work for example that I keep ending up in certain managerial jobs that I dont really care for, because I'm a people pleaser and need acceptance that happens in collaboration with people. But, I'm truly a creative person. But I cant be creative when I am down on myself, my work then suffers. So I gravitate toward something not really right for me, abandoning the work that will make me successful. The later, when someone above deosnt like me, I've already been demoralized
--- End quote ---
I sure recognize this process Ales. I always worked myself into the ground to get some shred of outside approval. Then because I did such a great job, I would succeed in getting some approval, and promotion to supposedly better managerial jobs. Then I'd have to put up with a ton of crap for a few dollars more pay than the lower level employees. I'd burn out and then have to start over in something else. It seems I was replaying the FOO situation over and over, trying to get some sort of validation I never experienced from my parents.
Ales2:
SilverLining - you hit the nail on the head. Its a FOO pattern that repeats. But its addicting! There are some times I am not even consciously aware that I am vulnerable to it. I have to insist on my autonomy and ability to say NO otherwise I leave myself vulnerable.
Ales2:
This is the weird new feeling.
T couldn't solve my problems or seem to help me with them. I left T feeling more wounded and insecure than ever. I feel like if I go back with a new job and a new relationship and some weight loss - basically getting back to more of my functional self, it would be only superficial because nothing about me or my past would really have changed.
The outside would look different, but the insecurities and wounds would still be there. Does this make any sense to anyone?
Its almost like I cant succeed now for any reason, because I really wouldn't be different. And, I want to be different, to have progressed in T so that I would know that I could sustain any new life I find for myself. Does this make any logical sense to anyone?
Reading this over, I guess I wanted some kind of acknowledgement or validation from T that I had changed and progressed, so I could be done with my insecure and wounded self.
Does this make any logical sense to anyone? (sorry I'm asking for the 3rd time!)
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