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misery
Ales2:
Quick update.
Thanks everybody for the posts and support. Doing much better than I was a month ago. Really hanging in there and making HUGE strides since a couple of weeks ago. I got really frustrated while driving with the old lady neighbor ( a long tedious story I wont bore you with) where I had one epiphany and then a week later, I kept reading this Marianne Williamson chapter on Surrender and had another epiphany. One was a very strong feeling related to my NMother issues, the other, a response to my own wounded self issues.
Today, I was thinking that the NMother issue is PROBLEM SOLVED, although I recognize this isn't the end, there will be further things down the road and the wounded self issues are WOUND HEALED, even though again, I know issues can still come up. Difference is to me that I FEEL that I have some form of closure from the past three years of total HELL I was living in and the feeling of closure, truly feels positive, its hard to explain, but it makes it easy for me to move on and make progress.
I can tell things are different, because I met a new friend today and when she went into the death of her alcoholic N mom, I responded from the place of an autonomous adult who understands my issues with a sense of clarity and distance, rather than the hurt wounded child I have been feeling like in the last three years.
Anyway, thanks to everybody here at the board - you've all been a great help to me. I hope that everyone is doing well! (((((HUGS)))))))
Ales2:
I had an AHA moment the other day while walking:
the defintion of insanity, doing same thing expecting another result. depression is doing the good things and getting no result.
I decided that the word "depression" for me is really defined by consistently putting good, meaningful effort into a black hole or not having the effort reciprocated, appreciated or rewarded. I then think of effort as a negative action with negative consequences - since nothing good comes out of it. Kind of like being on a hamster wheel when you really want to be on a freeway going somewhere. Ouch.
hmm.. so how do I take action to get desired results?
Hopalong:
Wow, Ales. That was so painful to read, and really triggered some recognition in me.
Such a sad definition but so emotionally logical.
What popped into my head next (that I struggle to do) is that the only answer
is SELF-recognition, SELF-appreciation, SELF-affirmation.
When we (I) are (am) dependent on others' opinions or affirmation to feel good about ourselves,
classic result of being children of Ns...there is no soothing our own grief until we really do
experience self-love.
That kindness and compassion, turned right around so it shines into our own chests.
And, not somebody's else's (although that's huge when it happens). But our own.
I've only visualized it that intentionally a few times (and hypnosis was one of the most
powerful times) ... but when I did, it was very very healing and .... just amazing.
I think, for some, prayer is also a form of self-love. Kind of the long way around to
asking compassion to come in. All the same thing though. I envy the faithful. Their trust.
My grandmother (whom I only remember seeing once) had a favorite hymn, and
I find the lyric as moving and powerful now as I did when I was a theist, as
(ironically) the words are just so...humane:
Come, Ye Disconsolate
Come, ye disconsolate, where'ere you languish.
Come to the mercy seat, fervently kneel.
Here, bring your wounded heart.
Here, tell your anguish.
Earth has no sorrow, that heaven cannot heal.
I don't believe in heaven. But it doesn't matter.
I do believe in the power of that invitation.
Such incredible kindness in it.
And that's what I think we need to give ourselves,
so we won't live depressed. The mercy of tending our own sore hearts,
being as actually (not cerebrally) kind to our sad selves as we'd wish any
"dream mother" had been.
Then, I think we start to get fixed.
If you can find it, Roberta Flack and Donny Hathaway sang that
as a duet on one of her albums. It's breathtaking. When you hear
her sing that? "Come, you sad, sad one..." it is just like the loving
lap of the whole world just invited you to crawl up and feel safe at last.
Even though I don't understand it, I can HEAR it. She was singing
about something real.
love,
Hops
Ales2:
Bones, Phoenix, Hops - thank you - all very helpful posts. Much appreciated.
Doing much better. The closure I got on those issues last month seemed to be very helpful. Made it through another round of PMS (which is usually awful) without feeling overly depressed.
Next question. OK. I've been NC since summer last year, so about a year from NMom. The inciting incident was her showing up on my apartment doorstep, barging in and accusing me of stealing some of my Dad's (whose been gone since 2000) paperwork. It was really a ploy to tell me she was not going to continue with a financial promise she made. I learned many months later that she did the same to my brother around the same time. We can't both have stolen the same paperwork..... hmmmm......A story for another time.
Anyway, so here is my question. What do I about the NC issue with a prospective boyfriend who I plan to marry? I can offer a good (i.e completely honest coming from an autonomous adult with clarity and distance) answer, but I am concerned about getting married when NC w/NMom. I'm old enough (43) to say "she's not a big part of my life anymore" and have that be acceptable to someone but will be concerned about a backlash in the future . The wedding I want is on a beach somewhere with 10 people - nothing lavish at all and that will likely mean she will not be included. But wonder about the long term effects of not inviting my NMom to a wedding...
Any thoughts on this? What to do, say etc in this situation?
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Ales2 on July 17, 2011, 06:51:42 AM ---Bones, Phoenix, Hops - thank you - all very helpful posts. Much appreciated.
Doing much better. The closure I got on those issues last month seemed to be very helpful. Made it through another round of PMS (which is usually awful) without feeling overly depressed.
Next question. OK. I've been NC since summer last year, so about a year from NMom. The inciting incident was her showing up on my apartment doorstep, barging in and accusing me of stealing some of my Dad's (whose been gone since 2000) paperwork. It was really a ploy to tell me she was not going to continue with a financial promise she made. I learned many months later that she did the same to my brother around the same time. We can't both have stolen the same paperwork..... hmmmm......A story for another time.
Anyway, so here is my question. What do I about the NC issue with a prospective boyfriend who I plan to marry? I can offer a good (i.e completely honest coming from an autonomous adult with clarity and distance) answer, but I am concerned about getting married when NC w/NMom. I'm old enough (43) to say "she's not a big part of my life anymore" and have that be acceptable to someone but will be concerned about a backlash in the future . The wedding I want is on a beach somewhere with 10 people - nothing lavish at all and that will likely mean she will not be included. But wonder about the long term effects of not inviting my NMom to a wedding...
Any thoughts on this? What to do, say etc in this situation?
--- End quote ---
Morning, Ales.
If I may respond based on the experience of dealing with the NQueen at my NGCB's wedding. He learned VERY QUICKLY that inviting HER to HIS wedding was a HUGE mistake because the NQueen NWomb-Donor INSISTED on making EVERYTHING ABOUT HERSELF, HERSELF, HERSELF and tried to force all the wedding guests to feel sorry for HER because her PRIZE POSSESSION , (NGCB) REFUSED TO RETURN HOME TO HER BECAUSE SHE OWNED HIM BODY AND SOUL! She became such a disruption that I finally walked over to her and said: "Shut the F*** UP! This is HIS WEDDING DAY! IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!!!" (Yeah, I paid the price, later, for doing that and, at the same time, I didn't see any other option.)
NQueens will always remain NQueens and, when given any opportunity, they WILL try to force everyone's attention on themselves and they have no hesitation to ruin anyone's wedding to do so! It's not a matter of "IF" they will do something obnoxious to ruin someone else's wedding day, it's more a matter of WHAT and WHEN they will DESTROY WHAT IS PRECIOUS TO YOU so THEY CAN BE CENTER STAGE AT ALL TIMES AND AT ALL COSTS!
Just saying, if I were you, I would keep continuing the NC and NOT give her the opportunity to do what the NQueen did at my NGCB's wedding. What should have been a beautiful occasion was turned into a nightmare because of her sick and twisted behaviors!
Just my two cents, for what it's worth.
Bones
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