So... one day this thought just popped into my head, that I had a "thinking/doing" self... and another almost, not quite separate - feeling/emotional/being self. Working with this, as I went about my life... I was finally able to see how much toxic shame had attached to this emotional "self".
How/why all that shame got attached to my poor little emotional self, doesn't really matter now. I've told that story 100 times, it feels like. Telling it, however, FEELS better these days; less "shameful"... because no; people don't recoil in horror and disgust of ME... only of what I lived through and the perpetrators. They understand much what I continue to deal with, because of entanglement with my FOO that doesn't look feasible to break apart through NC. Much as that is what I'd prefer.
[Back to the point, Amber.] Which is that the whole schema of self-harm; sabotage; smoking; etc that I want to permanently edit from as much as my life as makes sense (or is possible) for a human... is a way to avoid feeling the knee-jerk reaction of shame... simply because I FEEL _____. Pick a feeling, any feeling... any emotional intensity... normal or triggered. Any emotion at all brings with it some amount of shame in the mix. Even happy, positive feelings... and this really SUCKS. It does, however, explain why I have trouble allowing myself to play, enjoy things, and have fun.
The resistance I observe that wells up when denying myself a cigarette... is a deep desire to avoid FEELING, because of the attached kicker of the shame (perhaps this is what that other damn shoe, that keeps dropping, IS). Smoking is a substitute for filling a lot of other (healthier) needs; already established that. What is new, is noticing that this is the mechanism I use to avoid feeling... so I can avoid the possibility of that old shame.
Of course, thinking Amber can't believe how impossibly rediculous (or worse condemnation) this situation is. And that only serves up another flavor of shame... because I am both thinking/feeling Amber. I need some collaboration here between both Ambers, to crack apart this old association of any feeling with shame. Feeling Amber needs to let go the fear of shame, for having her feelings... and thinking Amber needs to work on ways to enable and support that letting go -- with kindness and understanding, instead of only more verbal/emotional abuse - excessive expectations, shaming, and criticism.
Thinking Amber needs to understand that being shamed for feeling, is also a form of emotional abuse -- it's like being slapped for breathing, because how can one not feel or not breathe? Thinking Amber is really good at identifying threats, deflecting them, neutralizing them... ANY potential threat... yet this part of me, is continuing the old old awful harm I suffered as a child in my FOO environment. Instead, it would make more sense... if thinking Amber protected feeling Amber, you know? Made it "safe" to feel... and recognized and neutralized the reflex shame response.
I know, I used to think that smoking was like putting a 10 ft pole between feeling Amber and people who had proved that hurting me was their main purpose in life. People who didn't have the word "sorry" in their vocabulary. People who didn't believe me, when I told them the truth. Stay back - I stink and can burn you. Boundary enforcement, to keep the bad out. But it was also used to keep the shame in -- don't look, it's too awful, you'll be sick - yuck.
It was also an "expression"... a way of getting the feelings outside of me -- without saying the words that brought shame, too. A multipurpose tool... and the added bonus was, that it somehow gave more energy to thinking Amber and quieted down feeling Amber (the pacifier effect).
The clue to all this, happened years ago. I was in-between therapy work. We'd taken a break and all confident in myself, I put together this CBT based toolkit and workbook to quit smoking. Signed up for the support group online... picked a quit date beginning my 2 week vacation. Had all the rewards and replacements all picked out... I only lasted maybe 48 hours. I was so grouchy, angry, touchy I was arguing with hubs constantly. So we just stopped talking. Withdrew. Not having fun on vacation. I retreated under a blanket out on a quiet hammock... and cried in total misery. Alone and miserable and SHAMED - I didn't matter; my needs didn't matter... I realized that this was how I used to feel -- before I started smoking. And then I bought cigarettes to end the misery and save the remainder of vacation. That started the whole Twiggy discovery and exploration, back in therapy, for another few years.
And I wonder if now, using an emotional approach - permission to feel whatever (without criticism), ma'am! - permission to eat (healthy) when hungry, sit down and rest when tired, permission to enjoy being with friends and feeling happy without a 10 ft. pole ----- I might broker a truce between thinking/feeling Ambers... and just stop smoking. Paying attention ONLY to knowing those needs, and addressing them... and not substituting in the old camels. Not that I expect it to work without a lot of practice; that I'll get it right without having to redesign and refine... adjust... and thinking Amber is going to have to understand that failure IS an option... in the beginning... and I'll just repurpose the old 10 ft pole and run up my pirate flag for fun.
I'm not at all sure this is going to work... but hell, I've tried everything else!
