Inner Child Safety

[Twoapenny]

Little Penny is not feeling safe!  I don't know what to try?  I'm trying to 'listen' to her but I'm not hearing anything - I don't think she trusts me (or anyone else).  I've put up wind chimes and mirrors but it isn't enough.  Any suggestions?  Thank you

[BonesMS]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Little Penny)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[sKePTiKal]

OK... then, I would start off by validating her fear. Letting her know you also think her story and memories are scary; even if you don't know exactly which one is bothering her now. Then, as Bones suggested, hug her. Let her know you're able to help her, but you might need her to tell you how she wants to be helped. Ask directly - what do you want? what do you need? what are you afraid of? Then, wait.

In some situations, we're not even allowed to claim and own our very real fear; we're talked out of it, shamed out of it for a parent's reasons. And Little Penny needs to know that she is smart; if she's afraid there must be a very real reason for it and once you know what it is, you will try to help...

... and it's possible she's even afraid of "help"... it's like my analogy of Twiggy being like a feral cat... it's possible to overcome a feral cat's natural, instinctive fear of humans... with extreme patience, boundaries, and kindnesses. A bowl of milk, kitty crunchies, or water that slowly but surely moves closer to where you are... while you don't approach kitty at all. Let her come to you... you don't know what will scare her into fleeing... but over time, with kind patience and total openness... she will relax with you and open up herself.

Practical things... can you remember anything Little Penny had that was a comfort or security item? A blanket? Baby Doll? Bear? Can you find anything similar around the house now to "give" her? Little Penny may be remembering something from a pre-verbal stage and supplying something like this can help move to a little older stage, where she may still remember but be able to "tell" you what happened. Rocking chairs are also helpful, blankets with wide silky borders, tactile items... all very helpful.

[Hopalong]

Hi ((((((Tupp)))))))--

For me, the inner child notion has been a beautiful, powerful thing -- but only once or twice did I actually sit and intentionally go into a deep visualization about her. When I did, she was so real I instantly got it. Gave her the love and reassurance I/she needed and we were at peace.

Nowadays, I'm less likely to think of it as a constructed effort to communciate with some separate being inside myself.

Maybe, it's just that when I feel scared/upset, I no longer stop to think who is this who's feeling that way. It's just ME. And I don't care if it's "inner child", "adult me" or whatever...it's just ME. And in the present.

I feel scared. Or hurt.

And I want to comfort myself with all the compassion and common sense that I can summon, right now in the present, and in my present life.

I hope you can hug yourself, and be so kind to yourself.

love,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hi Bones, and thank you from Little Penny (and me!) ((((((((((((((((Bonesie)))))))))))))))))))

Thanks, Phonenix.  I hadn't thought about her being non-verbal.  I got out some of my son's crayons and some paper when I went to bed last night and sat scribbling.  I've been reading a book about using your non-dominant hand for inner child work so I did that.  Felt odd, but kind of comforting at the same time?  I have no recollection of my mum ever putting me to bed when I was a child.  Maybe she did and I just don't remember.  But I decided I would start doing a bedtime routine for myself, putting myself to bed and tucking myself in snug and warm.  Maybe that will help.  What did help is I am starting to realise I have done all this nurturing, soothing stuff for my son.  He always had a bedtime routine, a nice bath with toys and bubbles, I'd play with him or read to him while he was in there, cuddle him dry, tuck him in bed and read him a story.  He always goes to bed with a drink, always has.  He does a lot of it on his own now because he's older but I think it's about the stages, isn't it, you complete one stage well so you get into the next one without too many hang ups?  Fingers crossed anyway!  Thank you

Thanks TT.  I think you are spot on with the trust issue, it's so important but so hard to create if that sense of it has been damaged so badly.  I will keep trying, talking, listening, soothing.  Thank you

Thanks Hopsie.  I still really struggle with being nice to myself.  If I feel bad my usual reaction is to get busy with something or start eating/drinking/blocking out somehow.  I am trying to just sit and be kind to myself, the way I would my son, but those old habits take a long time to change!  Am working on it though   Isn't there a saying about progression, not perfection?  I keep thinking that these days.  Thank you

[BonesMS]

You're welcome, (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((TwoAPenny and Little Penny))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I was also thinking about the paper, crayons, non-dominant hand artwork as well.  Great minds think alike!     Maybe, because Little Penny may be pre-verbal, to just pick any color at random and just scribble as a start.

Bones

[sKePTiKal]

The bedtime routine is GENIUS, Penny... especially if that's when the fear about safety is the strongest. Making the connection with the nurturing your son has... I'm gonna bet that Little Penny wants to say: ME TOO.... ME WANT TOO!  Don't forget to thank Little Penny for reminding you...

You're really getting the hang of this, I think.

[Twoapenny]

Hi Phoenix,

One of the ideas in this book I've been using is that you get teddy bears or dolls that represent different things.  The author of the book talks about a whale who represents her repressed anger, an Eyore that gives comfort, a little teddy bear that reminds her that a little bit is just enough and so on.  I've been keeping my eyes open for a bear or soft toy but hadn't really seen anything that 'spoke' to me.  We were at the grocers today, which is opposite the charity shop, and staring through the door at me was a huge, fluffy, squishy bunny rabbit, with enormous floppy ears, big brown eyes and huge feet.  I wasn't going to buy it because I thought I was being extravagent but I thought, no, you're worth this, pick it up.  So I've brought him home and I spent a good hour or so today curled up on my bed cuddling him and, as mad as it sounds, I felt really comforted!  It's very strange, but very nice at the same time!  Hope you are well xxx

[BonesMS]

Hi Phoenix,

One of the ideas in this book I've been using is that you get teddy bears or dolls that represent different things.  The author of the book talks about a whale who represents her repressed anger, an Eyore that gives comfort, a little teddy bear that reminds her that a little bit is just enough and so on.  I've been keeping my eyes open for a bear or soft toy but hadn't really seen anything that 'spoke' to me.  We were at the grocers today, which is opposite the charity shop, and staring through the door at me was a huge, fluffy, squishy bunny rabbit, with enormous floppy ears, big brown eyes and huge feet.  I wasn't going to buy it because I thought I was being extravagent but I thought, no, you're worth this, pick it up.  So I've brought him home and I spent a good hour or so today curled up on my bed cuddling him and, as mad as it sounds, I felt really comforted!  It's very strange, but very nice at the same time!  Hope you are well xxx

(((((((((((((((((((((((TwoAPenny))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Have you named the Bunny, yet?

[Hopalong]

I had a stuffed toy, a bassett hound named Bessie, when I was little...she meant so much to me.

In a VERY foolish act of romantic self-sacrifice, I gave her away to a young man I was besotted with at one point...and when I went later to try to reclaim her (realizing my mistake) -- he'd thrown her away!

I actually grieved. That soft dear thing was such a repository of so much childhood sorrow, my safe space.

((((((Tupp))))))), hope you keep on loving loving that bunny!

Hugs,
Hops

[Meh]

Hi Twoapenny:

The bunny thing doesn't sound strange/"mad" to me. It's sounds like the intuitive/emotional dialogue happening. Even if the inner child stuff seems crazy, just go with it

[sKePTiKal]

oh I just love bunnies!!

What book are you using? That kind of non-verbal communication might help more than is "sensible" to our rational brains... and it sounds like something that I might be able to work with right now. I'm tackling a tough, resistant place in myself these days... chipping away at granite, is what it feels like -- and the "progress" is so slow, it feels non-existant precisely because, I'm guessing, that there is some non-verbal component to it.

[Twoapenny]

Hi Bonesie, I haven't officially named him yet but he seems to look like a Barnaby   He is really cute, my little boy loves him and keeps moving him round the house so I keep walking into a room to find him sitting on the sofa or tucked up on a bean bag   Don't know why it seems to be helping but it does, somehow!

Hops, that is so sad Poor Bessie.  It's so weird how something can mean the world to one person but very little to someone else.  I hope you can find another basset hound some day?

Hi BTR, I'm trying to go with the flow but it's funny how those old things keep whirring through your head.  I am very much trying to push them out though and just go with it.  I still don't feel safe in my room and it's really been playing on my mind.  This evening I realised the safest place for my bed seems to be - the downstairs sitting room.  I don't know why this is, but I am thinking I might put the sofa bed in there for a while and just try it out, just in case it helps.  I'm quite glad at the moment that I live on my own and don't have to worry about anyone else and where they feel comfortable!

Phoenix, it's a book called Breaking the Chains of Abuse by Sue Atkinson and I really like it!  She's someone who's had a lot of problems over the years and has done a lot of work on herself.  What I like is that she herself is still a work in progress, there are quite a few chapters where she talks about various things and then says she still has trouble with these, or she did it for a while but found she had to stop - it's really real and honest, you know?  She talks a lot about soft toys being really useful as part of her (ongoing) recovery and also suggests things like having a shelf with special things on, photos, momentos,things that inspire, sooth etc - lots of little practical ideas that I'm just finding useful for getting that sort of non-verbal stuff going.  I'm trying to just go with the flow - not my usual style but that's probably a good thing.  I hope that granite block starts getting smaller for you soon xx

[Hopalong]

Tupp, you are such a gracious soul.
I think you're doing just fantastically...I am so impressed.

(Nope, not grieving for Bessie any more...I think because I have had plenty of real people and animals to love and steady my wobbly heart since those sad-child days.) But your story really brought her back. I love the notion of your bunny appearing here and there, and how he's also catching love from your son!

Now, no more toy-grief for me, just gratitude! After 55 years, I can remember the texture of her worn ole nose, where the threads had thinned and the fabric body showed through a little. Not sad though, no. Just the distance of time. What a mercy.

Kind of Velveteen Rabbity.

hugs
Hops

[BonesMS]

Hi Bonesie, I haven't officially named him yet but he seems to look like a Barnaby   He is really cute, my little boy loves him and keeps moving him round the house so I keep walking into a room to find him sitting on the sofa or tucked up on a bean bag   Don't know why it seems to be helping but it does, somehow!

Hops, that is so sad Poor Bessie.  It's so weird how something can mean the world to one person but very little to someone else.  I hope you can find another basset hound some day?

Hi BTR, I'm trying to go with the flow but it's funny how those old things keep whirring through your head.  I am very much trying to push them out though and just go with it.  I still don't feel safe in my room and it's really been playing on my mind.  This evening I realised the safest place for my bed seems to be - the downstairs sitting room.  I don't know why this is, but I am thinking I might put the sofa bed in there for a while and just try it out, just in case it helps.  I'm quite glad at the moment that I live on my own and don't have to worry about anyone else and where they feel comfortable!

Phoenix, it's a book called Breaking the Chains of Abuse by Sue Atkinson and I really like it!  She's someone who's had a lot of problems over the years and has done a lot of work on herself.  What I like is that she herself is still a work in progress, there are quite a few chapters where she talks about various things and then says she still has trouble with these, or she did it for a while but found she had to stop - it's really real and honest, you know?  She talks a lot about soft toys being really useful as part of her (ongoing) recovery and also suggests things like having a shelf with special things on, photos, momentos,things that inspire, sooth etc - lots of little practical ideas that I'm just finding useful for getting that sort of non-verbal stuff going.  I'm trying to just go with the flow - not my usual style but that's probably a good thing.  I hope that granite block starts getting smaller for you soon xx

((((((((((((((((((TwoAPenny))))))))))))))))))

I like Barnaby......Barnaby the Bunny!!!!!   

Bones