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Daughter chooses exN over mom

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sea storm:
The difficulties of dealing with a narcissistic or psychopathic ex go on forever it seems. Each big life event creates first a huge undertow that threatens to nearly drown me, followed by thunder claps, whirlpools and hopelessness until I finally surrender and realize that I cannot change how this has been lived out. All that sounds so vague and general. At least i am talking about it when all I want to do is stay in bed or sit in the garden stunned.

My beloved daughter had a baby a few months ago. I was so happy she was pregnant after trying for several years. When the baby was born I went to visit. I visited after her stepmom had been there for 10 days accompanied by her sister.
By the time I got there I think the new parents were tired of visitors. I don't know. All I know is that I was not welcome. I was confused and could not comprehend this. My daughter said that she felt closer to her stepmother. This came as a shock.
I told my daughter that I felt hurt that stepmom came first.

This situation is aweful. My ex husband and father of our child is a serious narcissist and is basically a criminal who has done very well financially. My daughter worships him.  His much younger wife worships him. He is a serious alcoholic and has drawn several people into dealing drugs and ruined their lives. They get caught and sent to prison but he remains free. His cousin died of an overdose and his nephew commited suicide. There are huge secrets buried all over the place but the family looks so good in photographs. They are attractive, active, happy, gourmands, fine wine connoisseurs who live in beautiful houses.
I was too stupid to realize how deeply they have alienated me from my daughter.  This huge event, the birth, has brought it home to me. Recently, my daughter travelled across the country to visit. She spent the entire time with my ex and his family.  There were lots of pictures on Facebook showing how lovely it all was including a picture titled daddy lovefest.
My daughter told me I could drive down and she would spend the afternoon with me. She spent ten days at my ex" home.
She told me that I was a victim after I said that I felt hurt at not having more time with her. She went on and on about this victim thing and said victim with so much contempt.

For my ex and his family I am Banquo's ghost. It is like they have so much hatred for me and they have poisoned my daughter completely. I realize that now.  Before I would phone my daughter and we talked amiably several times a week. But that was a thin shell of icing. The real truth was that I mean very little to her. When I say that it hurts it makes her furious and she calls me a victim. Of course there is so much more to this but maybe someone can relate to it. I never thought that my precious daughter could be so alienated from me. Well, I was spellbound by her dad for years and thought he was heroic and the smartest guy on earth.  So i guess she thinks that too. It does not matter what he does, or how he makes his money. They snicker at it and think of him as a pirate or a  buccaneer. I met a guy who had tried heroin with my ex. He said that he first tried it with exN and was expected to be able to take care of himself but he got addicted. This was a good guy and he was ruined.

I don't want to say too much because I am afraid of the consequences.
On the surface my ex and his family look so good.  Being part of the clan gives access to rich, clever people without any cares. There is travel and lovely times at restaurents and summer by the lake.  I am not rich. I feel like a beaten dog right now.
I have just backed off. I am sick of it all. I can't change my daughter's heart. One psychologist said that she has a right and a need to know what the past was for me but she does not want to know.

There is such a big void in my life now.  I feel so sad.

Sea storm

sea storm:
I am replying to myself.
Whoever heard of the offspring choosing the narcissist? I looked it up but there must not be any incidences of this. Being a mother is a huge part of my identity and my reason for being. It has gone terrible wrong. I blamed myself completely and for months was living with so much shame and guilt I could barely move. Gradually, I am using the philosophy of Al Anon to detach and stop trying to change things. I have distanced myself from my daughter and her contempt. My ex and his wife refused to communicate with me as my daughter was growing up even though we shared custody. Their reason for this is that I was crazy and therefore irrelevant.  I was working, going to school, getting good grades, being a single mom. This allowed them to dismiss me. Even if our child was sick there was no communication permitted. Pretty arrogant.

I feel like I am reliving the trauma of being involved with my ex again. I am stronger and wiser now. Nevertheless, the damage to our daughter is done.  I loved him and lived to regret it and now she continues to love him. It is like she does not have psychological insight even though she is doing a doctorate in psychology. How can this be?
Maybe you are thinking I must be a rotten parent and don't know it. I hope not.

Sea

Ales2:
((((((((((Sea))))))))))))

I feel for you. I'm currently in a situation myself where the N is winning out - in my case my relatives seem to care more for my NMom and how she is doing than they do about me.  She's the saint, I'm the troublemaker.

There is no explanation - its a bizarre attraction (wanted to say seduction, but wanted to avoid using the word in a dad/daughter story) to Ns for some people who have just not been burned yet. I say YET. She may see it or she may not.  That said, its a weird dynamic, one that makes no sense, certainly not to those like us who already know and are affected by Nism.

I just spent the weekend watching many shows on OWN including the Ryan O'Neal - Tatum O'Neal show and was surprised at how Tatum, even going through therapy for her marriage to MacEnroe - an N with an anger problem, then getting sober, then getting divorced and yet she STILL wants a reconciliation or relationship with her NDad (who just like her ex-husband who has serious anger issues). All this self work - yet she is still strangely "addicted" to wanting something from him - even in the likelihood that it wont work out.   I guess my point is that there may no intellectual reason for her to want to be with an N - and lots of emotional reasons why she is part of his life. Its also very possible that the N has succeeded (sorry to say) in making you look bad   and building themselves up.

So sorry you are going through this. Positive, kind detachment (maybe cards and phone calls letting her know you are there when she needs you) and just working on your own life might be the best ways to deal with it. Its possible, something will initiate a reconciliation - until then, remain your kind, positive and cooperative self and the opportunity might come along.

((((Sea))) Hope things get better for you.

Hopalong:
Oh, Sea, I am so very sorry.

You are doing a very important thing:


--- Quote ---Gradually, I am using the philosophy of Al Anon to detach and stop trying to change things.
--- End quote ---

Sending you much simple courage to accept this hard hard thing you cannot change.

OTHER things in life may change her one day...but you must not stay in this grief forever.
And it is going you are working your way to accepting that you cannot change her.

Releasing her to her own learning has got to be so hard, but it is saving you.

with love and sympathy,

Hops

sea storm:
Thanks Hops and Ales

I am so grateful for your replies. It is better to speak about it. Seems like the ripple affects go on and on. I was naive to think it was over and done with when I left my ex.  His rage and retribution have continued. Also I have acted like a crazy woman at times when I was frustrated beyond belief with dealing with his contempt and arrogance. I was vulnerable to the contempt and it sunk in and hurt me all these years. At last I am over that. He and his family can take their ghastly projections back because i am not their scapegoat anymore. Wearing that robe was horrible and I did not know what was going on. I believed it. Too bad.

Once I was in thrall with my ex and his family and it lasted for years. No wonder my daughter is in that place now. I have no choice but to let go and try to discover my inate goodness. Right now I feel dead but I refuse to give up on myself.

It is more painful to keep trying to break through all the enmeshment by making nice.

Lots of love to you guys and gynes,

Sea storm

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