Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Should therapists self-disclose?
Hopalong:
Oy, yes.
Tupp, sounds like that to really let someone "in" -- you'd have to risk being disappointed.
Because I think for some Nsurvivors, when people let us down, it's disproportionate disappointment we feel.
Well, I should speak for myself...that's healthier.
I think I react badly to being let down sometimes because:
1) I was raised to be judgmental so that reflex kicks in when I'm hurt, instead of "I am feeling hurt"--it's protection
2) When someone I'm investing with so much authority/competence (as compared to my own) shows insensitivity or less competence/commitment--it's like, on some level I'm not conscious about, a reminder of how my own earliest "protectors" let me down--and that feels like disaster, like a confirmation that there is no safety in the world
3) So I'd best not start trusting or allowing others to be imperfect or...I'll be the hurt child, without protection, all over again
And I can't take it.
I can work through all this. When I tap into my own strength, then I recover my baseline empathy and compassion, which includes for therapists.
I think it's key to not be ABOVE others, when you feel compassion. It's not because we're more sensitive and compassionate than anybody else. It might be, sometimes, that we feel even that so intensely, that it's disabling. We can hold it out but need to clamp onto the dock intentionally. While others might be able to extend and retrieve, with more naturalness.
Sea said something so helpful to me on my other thread, about "drowning in empathy not being helpful." It was "drowning" that made me think. Or a word to that effect.
Empathy isn't supposed to drain us, but I think Nsurvivors build all sorts of brittle walls, or shell layers. Because as intense as our fear and pain was, equally intense is the empathy we can experience as adults...and that can be just as overwhelming as the original hurts.
So if my T is dealing with something personal, it's a test of my healing. Can I allow this person to move in and out of roles a bit? Can I contemplate their humanness and ordinary life, including failings, and still trust?
For me, when 90% of the time a T is solidly there for me, if the 10% appears, I now see it as a welcome reminder that I am not just AT an appointment to get that service performed (the paid-for listening)...but I am also WITH A PERSON. And if they need some time to just be that person...it is better for me than if I keep them in a rigid "professional" box to keep me safe.
I have to risk the unsafe feeling of trusting, for it to eventually become a safe one. I have to experience, over and over, that I can take these risks with others. That my brother is never coming back into my life. Nor are my childhood bullies.
So I hope, in whatever way you can work it out, that you find you are not a helpless victim merely-patient in your role as client, but also as a co-human being. You are a surviving and healing adult. And it took you great courage to seek help for your troubles.
As it took them courage to take on that career.
You are not "lesser than" your therapist, so you don't have to protect them from you, or protect yourself from them. Bad ones are rare, and you DO have the capacity to intuit who is safe for you.
love
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on June 08, 2014, 11:10:57 AM ---Oy, yes.
Tupp, sounds like that to really let someone "in" -- you'd have to risk being disappointed.
Because I think for some Nsurvivors, when people let us down, it's disproportionate disappointment we feel.
Well, I should speak for myself...that's healthier.
I think I react badly to being let down sometimes because:
1) I was raised to be judgmental so that reflex kicks in when I'm hurt, instead of "I am feeling hurt"--it's protection
2) When someone I'm investing with so much authority/competence (as compared to my own) shows insensitivity or less competence/commitment--it's like, on some level I'm not conscious about, a reminder of how my own earliest "protectors" let me down--and that feels like disaster, like a confirmation that there is no safety in the world
3) So I'd best not start trusting or allowing others to be imperfect or...I'll be the hurt child, without protection, all over again
And I can't take it.
I can work through all this. When I tap into my own strength, then I recover my baseline empathy and compassion, which includes for therapists.
I think it's key to not be ABOVE others, when you feel compassion. It's not because we're more sensitive and compassionate than anybody else. It might be, sometimes, that we feel even that so intensely, that it's disabling. We can hold it out but need to clamp onto the dock intentionally. While others might be able to extend and retrieve, with more naturalness.
Sea said something so helpful to me on my other thread, about "drowning in empathy not being helpful." It was "drowning" that made me think. Or a word to that effect.
Empathy isn't supposed to drain us, but I think Nsurvivors build all sorts of brittle walls, or shell layers. Because as intense as our fear and pain was, equally intense is the empathy we can experience as adults...and that can be just as overwhelming as the original hurts.
So if my T is dealing with something personal, it's a test of my healing. Can I allow this person to move in and out of roles a bit? Can I contemplate their humanness and ordinary life, including failings, and still trust?
For me, when 90% of the time a T is solidly there for me, if the 10% appears, I now see it as a welcome reminder that I am not just AT an appointment to get that service performed (the paid-for listening)...but I am also WITH A PERSON. And if they need some time to just be that person...it is better for me than if I keep them in a rigid "professional" box to keep me safe.
I have to risk the unsafe feeling of trusting, for it to eventually become a safe one. I have to experience, over and over, that I can take these risks with others. That my brother is never coming back into my life. Nor are my childhood bullies.
So I hope, in whatever way you can work it out, that you find you are not a helpless victim merely-patient in your role as client, but also as a co-human being. You are a surviving and healing adult. And it took you great courage to seek help for your troubles.
As it took them courage to take on that career.
You are not "lesser than" your therapist, so you don't have to protect them from you, or protect yourself from them. Bad ones are rare, and you DO have the capacity to intuit who is safe for you.
love
Hops
--- End quote ---
I think I'm the opposite, Hops, because I'm paying for them to listen that's what I want them to do! I don't really want to see them as a person, I want to be able to spill and either recieve some good advice or tips for coping/managing etc or just be able to work it out myself (the way you do sometimes when you say things out loud and for some reason the solutions are clearer than when they're in your head). To me it's like any other service I'm paying for, I want them to do what I'm paying them to do, particulalrly as it's so expensive and the time you have in there is so limited. I don't want to spend any of it listening to them talk about themselves. I don't think I'm as compassionate as you are! xx
Hopalong:
Well, I've experienced you as very compassionate, Tupp.
I'm sure you know your own needs and what works best for you better than anybody else could, especially including me.
I hope you find the right new T soon, because you deserve excellent listening.
love
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on June 08, 2014, 08:48:45 PM ---Well, I've experienced you as very compassionate, Tupp.
I'm sure you know your own needs and what works best for you better than anybody else could, especially including me.
I hope you find the right new T soon, because you deserve excellent listening.
love
Hops
--- End quote ---
That's very kind of you to say so, Hops, I don't feel compassionate, I feel like a grumpy old bat most of the time. But it's nice to know it doesn't come across like that always. It's a really interesting thread, I'd never thought about it before. I've had two really good therapists who've helped me enormously and I did end up knowing bits and pieces about them. Listening is an amazing skill, isn't it? Sounds very passive but is actually very empowering for the other person. Did your doggie door get installed the other day, is your pooch loving it? xx
Hopalong:
Aww, feel free (to be a cranky old bat).
I have been irritable lately too, offshoot of a week of depression.
It's clearing up now, some walks in bright sunshine and a good
session with my own T.
And yes! Dog door's in and pooch seems so much more relaxed
when I get home. Clearly not in distress. I would love to know
how much time she spends outdoors. I don't think a lot but
it's great to see how much more comfortable she is when I
have a long workday. (Three days/week I'm gone for 10 hours,
which is rough on her.) But this morning we walked a couple
miles with my friend before I went to work, since Mondays
are my "late day". Fridays, too. So it all evens out.
Have a happy Monday, Tupp.
xo
Hops
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