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N moms and their obsession with weight

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Hopalong:
NLAS,
I'm really impressed that you recognized that you violated your own boundary (the one that prohibits that topic of remarks/discussion from your Nmother). Good for you!

Just knowing that, is a really positive sign.

I think there's an inner momentum building toward emotional health going on, when you can identify -- a boundary you care about. (Even in a mistake, dropping or breaching a boundary ... that's a very good way of recognizing you are BUILDING healthy boundaries.)

Good for you!

And the weight thing? Do a lot of reading about culture. I think the answers are often not in physical solutions, but in seriously being just that observant about culture. It's very shocking but after the shock, is some protection from what is false and sick.

You have to see, the constant drone and obsession and fixation and objectification of women's bodies...then, you get angry (maybe), and then you get strong enough to define yourself in a new way.

You do not want to be one of those women who, in her 50s, is still sadly, tragically, emptily, talking about what her weight is. You really don't...

You'll be far, far down the road of living your non-slave life by then.

(I have a friend who has a weight situation. As I first got to know her, she said emphatically one day, "I do not want to talk about this. I will not participate in the usual conversation women have: "Oh you look like THIS, or THAT, or how did you do THAT, etc..." And it's been so lovely to get to know a person who has simply set a Real Boundary around that issue. It's amazing how much free time and peace of mind there is in her attitude toward herself, and it's also clear how much comfort and respect other women feel around her.)

Hops

nolongeraslave:
I know the goal is to not car about what other people think and say.  I was at that point last year, but this year old habits came creeping up.   My therapist and I are working on that. While you can't control what other people say about your weight, I've made the choice to NOT surround myself with people like that.   Luckily, I do have other friends that respect this boundary. 

Phoenix Rising-I used to the "too skinny" girl that ate like a pig. After 25, things started to slow down and I don't think that's a bad thing.  I'm not a teenager anymore! What's interesting is that my mom still criticized my weight when I was too thin anyway.  In a way, losing weight for her is useless.

river:
NLS, this is classic projection.  I think its the blatent, implied, but unbelievable messages that can keep one hooked to the other's behaviour by the sheer force of disbelief if nothing else.  Giving you clothes that are too big for you had an implied message of 'I want you to be overwieght', and then in the context ~ so as I can criticise you.  This is a lousy relational bargain.  The bargain offered to some is to step into the disowned toxic shame of the N.  ... in this case her paranoid focuss on being 'fat'.  This intent is quite invasive, and can get into one.  Did with me, tho it was different issues than weight, but hardly matters what the specific issue is.  Its a 'go mad or die' sort of option, ie take on someone elses disowned crazy destructive issues, or no relationshjip at all, which in the N paradigm is = to non existence. 

Gosh, I hel forth there, hope you dont mind.

sKePTiKal:

--- Quote ---Its a 'go mad or die' sort of option, ie take on someone elses disowned crazy destructive issues, or no relationshjip at all, which in the N paradigm is = to non existence. 
--- End quote ---

River - would you mind, if I borrowed the above and started a new thread with it? Something's been percolating for me along these lines lately... working it's way out of where it's festered so long, you know? This explanation succinctly sums up what I'm slowly realizing I'm dealing with.

TIA

river:
Oh, definately.  I'll be interested to see where you go with it.
And I can relate to what you're saying. 
r.

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