N moms and their obsession with weight

[nolongeraslave]

My therapist recommended to say "Don't talk about my weight" to my mom.  FAIL. That didn't work.

My mom was PISSED when I stood up to her weight comments. What gives?  She said that I'm her daughter and that she doesn't have to respect my feelings and wants.  I had told her that my wish to not talk about my weight should be respected. I also told her that her behavior is one of the reasons why I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder.  She didn't listen to me. She even interrupted me and didn't give me a chance to talk.

I have never seen such a woman that is SO obsessed with weight. She doesn't just comment on my weight, but other people.  She said "Your roommate used to be fat and she lost so much weight".  My roommate was NEVER fat and was always a slim person.      I have told my mom that there are many other things in this world that we can talk about-culture, news, food, history, work, life....Why someone's weight? My boyfriend seriously thinks she's one of the dumbest people he's met if weight, status and money is all she talks about.

Basically, my mom had said that my body needed to match my boyfriend's.  My boyfriend is tall and thin, while I'm not and I have no desire to be so.   My boyfriend loves my body and doesn't have any interest in me being really skinny.   My mom's comment was  implying that I must be stick thin, and that I need to lose a good 20-30 lbs.  If I lose that much weight, I will be  considered underweight.   She then later denied talking about my weight and said she was joking. She then said "He's too skinny. He needs to gain 10 lbs."    It's amazing how she doesn't understand how rude,intrusive, and contradictive her comments are. Has she ever looked at herself?

My mom then demanded to be dropped at the airport, because she was so angry that I refused to hear her talk about my weight.  I had plans to show her the beautiful city that I live in, but she would rather wait 8 hours in the airport doing nothing than see a city that most people would love to travel to.

[nolongeraslave]

Add: I forgot to say that she always brings clothes that are much bigger than me. When I tell her my actual size, she's shocked and says "You're not small enough for that."  Uh, want to see the tags on my clothes?

I also wonder if she wants me to fit into her clothes, so she can feel that I and her are the same size.  She has a habit of lending me all of her stuff-clothes, jewelry, etc.

[BonesMS]

Add: I forgot to say that she always brings clothes that are much bigger than me. When I tell her my actual size, she's shocked and says "You're not small enough for that."  Uh, want to see the tags on my clothes?

I also wonder if she wants me to fit into her clothes, so she can feel that I and her are the same size.  She has a habit of lending me all of her stuff-clothes, jewelry, etc.

From my perspective, she's not seeing you as a human being or as a separate individual.  She's seeing you as simply an extension of her "royal" self as if you are nothing more than her arm or her leg.     (BLEAH!!!!)  She's also continuing to be a BULLY!  ("MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY!") as a VERY RUDE guest in your own home no less!!!   

God, that b*tch has got SOME nerve!!!  If she demanded to go to the airport IMMEDIATELY because you DARED refuse to bow down and (in my culture, it's called "brown-nosing" so please don't get offended at the term), I wish someone had told her to stick out her thumb or take a hike to the airport.  Better yet, call her a cab and tell her she's paying the cab's tab!

((((((((((((NLAS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I HATE TOXIC N's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   

[sKePTiKal]

Good for you - defending your defined boundary regardless of her reaction! I wonder - you didn't say - how that felt? I'd guess, you're smiling ear to ear?? Maybe not yet? - it was her choice, after all to forsake a tour and hang at the airport, you know. To get in a snit and stomp off, like a two-yr-old.

What you're describing about weight and clothes - sigh - sounds real familiar to me. As far as I'm concerned, it's one form of self-boundary invasion or intrusion I suffered through with my mom. Her twist was always buying me things or clothes that expressed what she herself wanted to be; to look like; until I insisted in no uncertain terms, that she was not to buy me any more clothes. I was in my 30s, I think -- I'd started trying to get her to stop this in my teens, of course. I finally had to go out of my way to hurt her feelings and tell her a.) the dress didn't fit and b.) I went no place to wear something like that and it wasn't my style - but how would she know that???  and    c.) I put it in the trash (a heinous sin to her... someone else could've worn it; used it...)

She still doesn't know that some us of never "become our moms", you know? It's not some inescapable law of nature... but we do have to put some self-awareness and effort into it. I'd never forgive myself, for being like mine...

[Hopalong]

I think weight-obsessed Nmoms don't generate the weight obsession themselves, but as beings constructed a certain way...are tailor-made to be hooked (and re-set the hook) by the sexist and insane cultural obsession with shape-as-measure-of-worth.

It's horrible for their children and most often doubles the crippling self-loathing our culture already dishes out to girls.

(One instance that stunned me was my accomplished, gracious and lovely friend who went to visit her Nmother in my friend's late 40s...her mother opened the door, looked at her, and reached out and yanked up the front of my friend's blouse to comment on her weight.)

Hops

[Guest]

Hi NLAS

She said that I'm her daughter and that she doesn't have to respect my feelings and wants. 

This is pretty much unforgivable. Period.

(((((NLAS)))))

[nolongeraslave]

Hello everybody,

Thanks for the warm thoughts. I truly apologize I haven't been on here as often..My life has been crazy, even though I know it's not an excuse! I posted this, because I was sure that others may have been in the same situation.  It's amazing how every narcissistic trait came out in my mom within 30 minutes or so.

I feel better now, because I did tell my mom that I have worth as a human being, that I have rights, and that I will not tolerate being treated badly. For 25 f*cking years of my life, I sat there thinking that I was sh*t.  Now, I'm fighting back against her wrath.

Guest-Yes, her comment hurt. It made me think back at how badly I've been treated by others in my life.   If my own mom can't respect me, no wonder I was the type of person that put up with bad behavior from others. I conditioned to think that I didn't deserve respect.

Speaking of weight, my roommate had said "You did gain a lot of weight. Do you keep it on to piss your mom off? Just something to think about."  Wow, I thought my roommate was worse than my mom for a second. Mind others, my roommate is also a therapist that prides herself.   My roommate also knows I have BDD, so I found it strange or just unreasonable to say that.

My therapist recommended to just keep setting boundaries.  I remember a book saying to repeat "What?" (Patricia Evans on controlling people).  I know my mom is getting off on me being upset and offended.

My mom also claims that all of her co-workers talk about weight and have no problem taking criticism. At all of my jobs, NOBODY talked about that stuff. What world is she living in?

[BonesMS]

The NWomb-Donor is living on her own planet, with its own set of "reality" which exists only in her own warped and twisted mind!   

[Hopalong]

all of her co-workers talk about weight and have no problem taking criticism.

to me, this remark that basically criticizes you for not taking criticism...is a classic bullying, abusive mind-twist. (Oh, you're "oversensitive" -- can't count the times.)

NO.

Refusing to listen to personal unwanted criticism is a HEALTHY thing.
It's GOOD that you are saying No to it.

And...hang up the phone!

hug
Hops

[nolongeraslave]

For laughs, it wasn't just me who she was condescending to.  We had dinner with my partner and she told him "I'm concerned that she's dating you.  She isn't interested in other men that we bring up to her ever since she started seeing you."  WOW.  Complete disrespect to my partner.  Implying that my decisions aren't good, and that he's not worthy enough to be with me.

It's good to have someone else see her behavior.  My boyfriend said so many red flags have come up and he's only met her twice.

[BonesMS]

For laughs, it wasn't just me who she was condescending to.  We had dinner with my partner and she told him "I'm concerned that she's dating you.  She isn't interested in other men that we bring up to her ever since she started seeing you."  WOW.  Complete disrespect to my partner.  Implying that my decisions aren't good, and that he's not worthy enough to be with me.

It's good to have someone else see her behavior.  My boyfriend said so many red flags have come up and he's only met her twice.

Bravo boyfriend!!!  He recognizes what a NB*tch she is and supports you!!!

[Nonameanymore]

I have a friend whose mom and gran are both serious Ns (more so the gran) and she has serious weight problems because her mom had her on a diet since since was 4. The interesting thing is there isn't anyone who is obese in her family which means that her mother destroyed her good metabolism since she was little. As a result, she cannot lose the weight. If that wasn't enough, her dad makes fun of her weight and her mother now tries to convince to go have her stomach stapled and she doesn't want to. She generally treats her and her brother like babies (no golden child here) and does things to belittle them daily because I assume she is afraid of what will happen if brother and sister would step their foot down and claim to be taken seriously as the adults that they are (she is 28 and her brother 30).

Her brother and dad make fun of her weight (her brother once told me 'if I were a guy I would never date her') and her dad made fun of her infront of her longtime boyfriend until they broke up. The interesting thing though is that my friend is not self-conscious of her weight when it comes to the outside world (loads of yummy boyfriends line up for her) but rather that she is self-conscious when her family says something about it...

I am quite thin (5' 3'', 115 lbs) and in the summer I usually lose more weight because it's pretty difficult to eat in Greece with the hot weather. Last time I was there her mom gave me this look and said 'you lost too much weight', as in 'I don't approve of your weight, you're not what I think the optimum weight is' (none of your business lady!haha!).

I think these people use weight references to try and control.

[Hopalong]

It breaks my heart to see how my lovely, gracious friend still has her mother's claws in her body.
Her mother is in her 80s and recently moved to this city.

My friend was doing wonderfully with self-care, fit and glowing.
Her mother arrived, she began caring for them...and she piled on weight immediately.

I really think a boundary battle is enormously important, to get weight-obsessed comments, intrusions, insults and references OUT of your self-esteem.

If that takes some Very Assertive training of the other party, it's worth it.

Hops

[nolongeraslave]

I made a huge mistake and told my mom about what my roommate said.  I  had told my mom why I moved in with my boyfriend and how things aren't working with my roommate. Then, I proceed to say "I didn't like it when my roommate said I gained a lot of weight. I only gained 10 lbs and my clothes still fit." My mom snarked back "It looks like you've gained more than 10 lbs."


I intellectually know that my mom isn't going to give support when it comes to others talking about my weight. Yet, I still told her.  My therapist said to not talk about my weight with anyone, yet I still did it.  I guess the little girl in me was hoping for emotional support and understanding, or maybe I felt the need that I HAD to explain why I moved out of my roommate's place.


I don't think I'm overweight, but I'm not as thin as I used to be. My boyfriend and my doctor say I look fine as I am, but I feel like I have to prove my roommate and my mom.  I was looking in the mirror yesterday and heard the "You gained a lot of weight" voice and didn't want to leave the house. Losing weight has been a struggle for me, especially when I'm prone to emotional eating. Trust me, I've tried it ALL (calorie counting, eating fruits/veggies, working out, diet pills, etc).  Maybe our bodies reach a point where they don't feel it's necessary to be thin.

It's also hard when I see this roommate at work. The first thing I want to do is run away, but I can't.  Maybe this happened as a life lesson to learn how to shrug and let go.

[sKePTiKal]

NLS...

perhaps your current weight is more "normal" for your age/body type... and before, you were undernourished/nurtured.

perhaps what a massage therapist told me once, has some validity: she said any time she experienced being threatened, anything that caused anxiety, her weight would increase -- as protection, insulation... it would hold water weight too. And that once she relaxed, the weight dropped also.

BUT: YOU are not just your body, you know? It's important to have a body; to care for it well; to understand that it's a way for you to put the ideas from your head into action and express the feelings of your heart. When your mom says things like this, remind yourself that it's what's on the INSIDE that counts most, OK?