Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

NMom and Punishing God

(1/4) > >>

sunblue:
My Nmom and Co-D dad have always been "publicly" religious.  They never missed a single Sunday mass, always contributed when the basket passed and always made it clear they were faithful.  In my opinion, it wasn't "sincere" faithfulness, but it was consistent and lifelong.  As some of you know, my dad became critically ill last fall....He was in the hospital and rehab for over six months.  It was nothing short of a miracle that he survived...all his docs and caregivers believed so.  I am faithful and prayed as hard as I could during this time.  I believe that a greater power saved my dad.  Many at our church prayed for him and inquired about him.

Well, my dad is doing better now.  He is walking on his own, getting a little stronger each day.  He can't walk for long periods but certainly he goes out and about with my mom.  And, of course, he is well enough to spend every weekend with my Nsis, like they always have.

Well, since my dad got sick, my Nmom has not set foot in a church.  My dad of course won't go if she won't.  When I ask why he won't go to church, he just shakes his head and gives me a snide look.  I know this is an N's way of punishing God....for not serving up life to her as she demanded.  Everything is fine as long as she gets what she wants.  But when things don't go her way, she punishes those she believes are responsible.

I'm sad about a lot of things but am especially sad about this.  Another eye-opening disappointment---that the faith they preached all their lives is a lie.  I'm also sad that my dad's co-dependence is so deep that he not only gave up his children and family, but his faith as well.

Has anyone experienced this "punishing" behavior with their Ns?

Nonameanymore:
Hi sunblue,

if Ns tend to punish everyone with withdrawal and indifference, why would God be an exception?
I think it has to do with what works for them rather than a punishment. The irony is that nothing works for them at the end, thinking they are infallible, so given their feeling of omnipotence, God is one to be taken down as well.
If I may say so, if one gives up their faith, the didn't have it in the first place. Have you thought that maybe this is something your dad 'just did'? Even in my most codependent days before Coda, I would give up everything but my faith and this is what brought me to where I am today - safe and hopefully sound!
As you describe it, maybe his codependence was what brought your dad to church in the first place, to please your Nmom, rather than the other way around.

Hopalong:
...what is holy is love and hope.

I am so leery of religious vocabulary and holy books written by humans.

So much hurt has been handed down through religious language.

I'd like to keep the transcendence and love I learned from religious teaching, but dump the rest.
Which pretty much means I don't use the G-word often, and when I do, I know it's only a private breath of air in a mighty wind.

love
Hops

cat:
My parents were exactly the same way.  They went to church every weekend. . . and even on the weekdays.  Fortunately at our church were youth groups that my sister and I were allowed to participate in and get away from the parents.  The church allowed us a greater freedom than we had under their strict thumb.

However, When dad got sick, my mom refused to go to church.  It wasn't a matter of being mad at God or anything like that.  It was more like that she didn't want to go anywhere alone.  And I mean anywhere.  She would not go out to eat along, because the "stigma" of being single is something she would not do.  Eventually when dad did get better, they didn't go back because they had lost contact with friends.  When I did ask my dad why he wouldn't go back - I got the same type of response as you.  However, I know that my dad would rather not have to deal with the moods from my mom.  It made it easier on him to just agree.  Sure, it cost him in friends.  It cost him in relationships with his family.  Eventually his sisters (my aunts) climbed all over him and somehow he was able to reconnect relationships with my sister and myself.  My mom passed away before him - so he was able to have about 6 months before his passing.

I realize this may be a naive "Pollyanna" view and your situation may be very different than mine.  When I did live through this I pushed my mom to answer the questions.  Once I was able to get her to answer truthfully it was easier to understand.

The above type behavior really does strike a raw nerve with me.  Being single myself - and being pushed over and over into relationships - and you can't be happy unless you are married - is crap.  I have encouraged many of my friends to put on their big boy/girl clothes - pick up a book and head to a restaurant.  Or even head to a movie alone.  It won't kill them- and it will certainly expand their ability to feel free.

I'm not sure this helps - but thanks for listening : )

teartracks:
delete

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page