Hopalong,
Since the 3rd of May, when I was told that I would not have a job the following year, I, that day, went to a meditation group, that I had spotted before but did not go because I was too busy dancing with M.
I have been going there since then. I meditate every dingle day, I listen to my CDs in the car, at home while I do home chores, and at any moment that I can listen to them.
I get calmed down a little with the meditation and it helps more than the therapy group.
The meditation is free the therapy costs money, but the therapist gave me a deal and I am paying ten dollars per session, so in some way God was taking care of me. The meditation free group is a wonderful peaceful place where I go to feel better, but I cannot go whenever a want just when they have a class which is mornings at 6:00AM and Tuesday at 6 pm. I have done the effort do go to some 6 am classes but it I have to get up at 5 and get drained the rest of the day. So, I go on Sunday that is English class and Spanish class and stay for both. My brain calms down during the classes and when I leave the center, my brain goes crazy again. I do not want medication because I do not have the money right now but as soon as my new insurance kicks on November I will re-visit that option.
Izzy, very few times I agree with you, but, oh boy, you are so dam right, that I cannot do anything but nod my head and say yes mom. I need to calm down my brain and I am working on that on my own, with meditation and CDs. Believe me, I am better than on the 3rd of May. I was almost suicidal on the 3rd of may and because God is big I went to the meditation center and they gave me some compassion. I think that I lost my job because of M because one of his best lady friends, he does not have men friends, he only has women friends, works at HR to where my school depended from, and M told me that my mouth gets me in trouble. I only whined to him, not to everybody because my school have me 200 kids and the other teachers had 75 and I have one planning period and the others had two some had three. So, sister and father called me and told me “Poor Lupita who works in a school where she is exploited and mistreated” So, I thought that he told his friend and there you go. I don’t know if I am right or not but it was not a performance issue.
Lighter, In my meditation class today, the lesson was, “be a happy soul by conquering attachment”.
OK, M wants me destroyed or under his control. I don't know why that's true, but it is, and I don't have to figure that out anymore."
Maybe you let it go, and turn to thoughts about just you, and what you might want, without M.
Maybe you stay with M, monitor what you say and do (so he's less upset) and continue walking on eggshells and compromising yourself.
Hope that I can let go. I do not know how to conquer attachment. My brain obsess and I get crazy and cant control it, but I am doing better, much better. At least I can get M out of mi mind for several minutes during several times a day which was not the case one week ago.
No, I know that if I have to walk on eggshells would kill me because I was about to kill my self by being with him. He had so much power over my defective life trap that I thought I was going to die without him.
But little by little I am recovering. The most contact I have with nice people the better I feel.
Please, friends, keep writing to me, because your words mean so much for me right now.
