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Lupita:
Hopalong,
Since the 3rd of May, when I was told that I would not have a job the following year, I, that day, went to a meditation group, that I had spotted before but did not go because I was too busy dancing with M.
I have been going there since then. I meditate every dingle day, I listen to my CDs in the car, at home while I do home chores, and at any moment that I can listen to them.
I get calmed down a little with the meditation and it helps more than the therapy group.
The meditation is free the therapy costs money, but the therapist gave me a deal and I am paying ten dollars per session, so in some way God was taking care of me. The meditation free group is a wonderful peaceful place where I go to feel better, but I cannot go whenever a want just when they have a class which is mornings at 6:00AM and Tuesday at 6 pm. I have done the effort do go to some 6 am classes but it I have to get up at 5 and get drained the rest of the day. So, I go on Sunday that is English class and Spanish class and stay for both. My brain calms down during the classes and when I leave the center, my brain goes crazy again. I do not want medication because I do not have the money right now but as soon as my new insurance kicks on November I will re-visit that option.

Izzy, very few times I agree with you, but, oh boy, you are so dam right, that I cannot do anything but nod my head and say yes mom.  I need to calm down my brain and I am working on that on my own, with meditation and CDs. Believe me, I am better than on the 3rd of May. I was almost suicidal on the 3rd of may and because God is big I went to the meditation  center and they gave me some compassion. I think that I lost my job because of M because one of his best lady friends, he does not have men friends, he only has women friends, works at HR to where my school depended from, and M told me that my mouth gets me in trouble. I only whined to him, not to everybody because my school have me 200 kids and the other teachers had 75 and I have one planning period and the others had two some had three. So, sister and father called me and told me “Poor Lupita who works in a school where she is exploited and mistreated” So, I thought that he told his friend and there you go. I don’t know if I am right or not but it was not a performance issue.

Lighter, In my meditation class today, the lesson was, “be a happy soul by conquering attachment”.
OK, M wants me destroyed or under his control.  I don't know why that's true, but it is, and I don't have to figure that out anymore."
Maybe you let it go, and turn to thoughts about just you, and what you might want, without M.
Maybe you stay with M, monitor what you say and do (so he's less upset) and continue walking on eggshells and compromising yourself.

Hope that I can let go. I do not know how to conquer attachment. My brain obsess and I get crazy and cant control it, but I am doing better, much better. At least I can get M out of mi mind for several minutes during several times a day which was not the case one week ago.
No, I know that if I have to walk on eggshells would kill me because I was about to kill my self by being with him. He had so much power over my defective life trap that I thought I was going to die without him.
But little by little I am recovering. The most contact I have with nice people the better I feel.
Please, friends, keep writing to me, because your words mean so much for me right now.

Hopalong:
Aww, Lup. You are such a strong person.

I am so impressed about what you've done with meditation. Really, that is fantastic.
I admire you for that discipline.

Me? REGULAR exercise? Meditation? Not yet. I will look to your example, it has helped you so...

You can PM the answer if you like but would you mind telling me what group offers no-fee meditation classes? I'd like to suggest it to my D who is also in that area.

Hang in there, you are getting better!

love
Hops

Lupita:
Hopalong, I PMed you. Please, let me know if you got it and you checked it and you found it.

I am very sad today, just to know that it is the end with M. I do not know if I cry because of M or because of what I would like to have that I do not have.

I know it is wrong to cry for what you do not have because you waste your present time, the power of now, but the pain does not go away. I have to process that M is gone for good. That I caused that my self by not giving him what he wanted, I am aware that it is a blessing fro him to become a problem for somebody else and not me. But still hurts. One more failure or one more learning experience of the same kind that I need to avoid and do not leanr yet to avoid but I promise my self that I will run away from a man that behaves narcissistic.

The loneliness does not go away. The hole in my heart does not fill in.

Hopalong:
(((((Lup)))))

I think this is not a failure, but a success.
Because it is painful, does not mean it is failure.

Sometimes the pain of change is excruciating...but really, it's not having something taken away, it's the pain of forcing frozen limbs to move (like your hands, if they have been clutching something poisonous for a long time). It hurts like hell when you begin to move them, unlock them.

It's not failure. Another image is these are the birth pains of a new life. And it's a long labor, but I don't think you can possibly not get born into something better.

You are battling SO bravely to heal yourself.
You have chosen the direction of healing.

The rest is going to be inevitable, there's a momentum to it. You are so intelligent.
On some level you really have begun to believe there's a better way to feel. And you will.

Much respect, and love,
Hops

Lupita:
Hopalong, did you recieve my message? Please, let me know.

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