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bulimia question

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Nonameanymore:
hi everyone,
a new friend i have here in greece for a year now, confessed to be suffering from bulimia
does anyone have any experience with bulimia in their environment?
it's interesting because there were a lot of issues that didn't seem to be the root but when she told me of her bulimia her behaviours sort of made sense
she is usually a very angry person and i read in various sites that the underlying causes of bulimia is anger and anxiety
i feel really sad for her because she uses an excess of antidepressants, then takes xanax and lexotan because as she says she gets really angry and anxious and cannot sleep
i am not asking advice to help in a codependent way, i just want to understand so feel free to share anything because she has been a very good friend to me and i want to understand her rather than judge her
thanks so much

BonesMS:

--- Quote from: Dr. Hountini on August 09, 2011, 03:27:54 AM ---hi everyone,
a new friend i have here in greece for a year now, confessed to be suffering from bulimia
does anyone have any experience with bulimia in their environment?
it's interesting because there were a lot of issues that didn't seem to be the root but when she told me of her bulimia her behaviours sort of made sense
she is usually a very angry person and i read in various sites that the underlying causes of bulimia is anger and anxiety
i feel really sad for her because she uses an excess of antidepressants, then takes xanax and lexotan because as she says she gets really angry and anxious and cannot sleep
i am not asking advice to help in a codependent way, i just want to understand so feel free to share anything because she has been a very good friend to me and i want to understand her rather than judge her
thanks so much

--- End quote ---

I've dealt with bulimia with someone I know and the situation can be VERY confusing AND COMPLICATED!  I'm glad your friend is being honest with you.  The person I knew was not.  It took a while before I put two and two together and figured out what was REALLY going on!  When I brought up the evidence I was seeing, her first reaction was:  "Who are you going to believe....me or your lying eyes?  Then she finally admitted the truth that she had been doing this for YEARS and had been using me.  There were other issues that were going on where I caught her in other lies and she attempted to justify lying.  It took me YEARS to finally understand that I was dealing with a manipulative N who wanted everything to revolve around her.  She's no longer in my social circle.

It sounds like your friend is VERY DIFFERENT and that she is always honest with you.  It's best to take things slowly and one step at a time.  If possible, you might try and contact Overeaters Anonymous and ask if there are any support groups for families and friends of people with eating disorders.  If there are none in your area, then maybe ask for information to help you understand eating disorders and what you can do as a friend.

Just rambling......

Bones

Nonameanymore:
Thanks Bones for sharing. We're actually in Greece and there aren't any (organised) 12-step programs which is a pity.

Yes, she has been very honest and I really appreciate it but I think it's because we do some self-development stuff together so it came up. It's funny because she said she told me long time ago but in all honesty, it didn't register. I also noted that some of her issues that seem like N issues were not N issues at all but rather her low self esteem and the need that bulimics have to control certain things (not as in manipulative but rather 'I will try to control what I can').

It's great that we're doing all the spiritual/healing stuff together and they work but I think it has worked more for me more because I have been years in therapy and Coda so these cleared only remnants of old stuff. I really think she needs therapy...
Another amazing thing is that I thought she was a cold person (helpful but distant) and she also recently admitted that she would like to be able to show more emotion and she has started showing some at least to me and I can see the difference in her.

BUT now that I know, it's really hard to spend time with her eating, knowing that 2 minutes after we're done, she will go the bathroom and purge everything...  :(

sKePTiKal:
Dr. Houtini,

I don't have a personal experience with eating disorders, but I believe they fall into the category of self-harm issues, emotionally. That I know a bit about, first-hand. The way to perhaps helping your friend, is to understand that she fears extreme boundary violations, emotionally. (Invalidation) She doesn't feel "safe" being herself; isn't comfortable in her own skin. (anxiety) She might feel her anger is "bad"... makes her a bad person... yet she can't help being angry, about whatever invalidation is still stuck in her stomach... indigestible; unprocessed... and so she also feels --

helpless and powerless and the one thing she can control is her own body. Complicating that, is probably an association of food with comfort, filling her needs (tho' in reality those needs are emotional - not hunger; the food is a substitute)... and so she is compelled, in the midst of all this emotional push-pull confusion, to purge also.... which keeps the cycle (feedback loop) going round in circles with no apparent way out.

There is always a way out -- but those of us caught in these are too close to them, to see them. We believe that "this is just the way we are" -- WHO we are and we can't stop, without stopping being ourselves. It almost always takes a compassionate friend (or three) or therapist to help us see those doors out of the loop - in a present moment - repeatedly, until we learn to start seeing these and walking through the door, ourselves. Because of the identity-association with the behaviors, it's a traumatic fear to comtemplate letting go of the feedback loop... and becoming "someone else".

My advice is to help her feel safe, recognized and seen/heard, to gently (and without criticism) show her the doors (choices) in front of her if you notice she's running the maze of her feedback loop... and try to slowly persuade her that she's not a bad person, she's competent, confident, and has immense control over her choices - internal and external. Help her see/learn and feel boundaries. Listen for her code-speak about her feelings, help her learn other ways to express her feelings verbally -- and not through abusing her body. Let her know you "hear" her (and her feelings) loud & clear -- the thirst for that kind of validation seems almost insatiable at first. But with experience of boundaries, it normalizes over time.

All easier said, than done. Good on you for wanting to help her and best of luck!

Nonameanymore:
Thanks Phoenix, your first paragraph actually sums her up... Very useful, thanks again.

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